Sunday, June 2, 2013

THE DOMINO EFFECT of #INCEST and #CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE


"My mom's first cousins were all abused by their father, and apparently the oldest daughter had sex with by him till into her 20s. She's so messed up now. Denies it all, can't talk about it, but is a mental mess. 

Her two sons (who were brought up in the home of their paedo grandfather) go with anyone - male, female, black, white, whatever age, just anyone they can get their hands on. The oldest is a suicidal alcoholic. 

Their mother and the two of them all still live together and have no money. They live in this ramshackle place and eek out a living. It breaks my heart that they can't break the cycle of shame and face the facts. 

And that eldest daughter's brother? He is an abuser too of young girls and his daughter VIGOROUSLY defends her father and lies to cover up for him. 

So sad."


Sad? It's more than sad. It's downright horrible, this domino effect that childhood sexual abuse and incest has on families, and not just immediately, but for generations!  It undermines and tears at the very concept of what a family is supposed to be: a place of comfort, support and above all, love for, and trust in every member of that family. How can children grow into a normal, functioning, productive human beings when memories of abuse by a parent colour all their perceptions, interactions, and relationships with other people,  and eventually their own children, for years to come. How can they ever be "normal"? How?!

And why does it happen? It happens because somewhere along the line an adult told his son or daughter that what daddy was doing was okay. He told them everyone was doing it. Or he warned them not to tell others and used threats of pain, beatings or even death to enforce that secrecy. Or he manipulated their young, impressionable and naive minds with clever words, telling them no-one would believe them anyway. Or he sucked them in so cleverly saying this was love and daddy loves you, and thereby molded that child into his unspeaking, obedient, frightened and insecure puppet who believed this love was better than no love. Because LOVE is what all children want and need above all else and they will do what is necessary, put up with whatever they have to, to get it. It's human nature.

When members of my group share information like what's in that opening quote, when personal friends, who are not victims, write to me and say, as one did this past week after seeing the planned cover for my book, NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER

"I went to your blog out of curiosity and got a severe, and lasting lesson in reality in human depravity. Apart from your own story, I found one of the stories there totally shocking. All stories of incest are all shocking, of course, but  'Nikki's Story' just broke my heart. Maybe it is typical of the horrendous experiences that some boys and girl are forced to go through. I don't know. I haven't really read any detailed incest stories because it is not a subject matter that attracts me for a read. Whatever the degree of the molestation that all victims have had to deal with in their young lives, 'Nikki's Story' must surely be one of most heart rending. I am amazed that children so young can somehow deal with what is happening to them."

then all the more I am encouraged in my resolve to finish my book, my true story of incest, written and published. We MUST talk about incest! We must refuse to stay silent any longer. Our own silence is aiding and abetting the abusers, many of whom, like the member above stated in that opening quote, go on to abuse others: the domino effect of incest and child sexual abuse. 

This domino effect can only be stopped or at least curtailed, by coming out from under incest and speaking out from under the child sexual abuse in families, and the earlier the better. And yet, as I say that, I'm reminded of another comment made by a member this past week who lamented

"Children are told to tell an adult, a teacher or the other parent if someone touches them in a way that makes them uncomfortable. But how can they do that when they no longer trust adults, or worse yet, when one of the parents is the abuser?"

How indeed!

As my friend who wrote to me said, and I agree with him 100%: 

" ...  this subject, your book, and the strong incestuous character that seems so prevalent in the human race, demands a high profile exposure. It is the last taboo subject, and it is now time for the stone of indifference to be turned over and the sordid truth about some human adults revealed for all to see. The human race will never evolve, or even mature, if this awful aspect of mankind is not addressed."

The only way I can see for us to overturn that stone of indifference is SPEAK UP ABOUT OUR OWN CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE!  And it's up to us, the victims, to do that. We are our own best resource for fighting this depravity. It is we, the victims, who have the best weapons: our voices! Speak out from under. Tell your stories. NOW!  

"1 in 4 Girls will be Sexually Abused by age 18. 1 in 6 Boys will be Sexually Abused by age 18. 90,000 cases are reported each year. 90% of the time the Child knows the perpetrator. 117 Victims will be Assaulted before the Child Molester is caught..."


"VICTIM'S VOICES ARE THE BEST WEAPONS AGAINST CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE"

©Viga Boland 2013, NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER








12 comments:

  1. Wow Viga, so powerful, and so true. It is a "domino effect" that can ruin so many innocent lives. Love is what all children want, I didn't get love from my mother, but got it from my father, sometimes in a good way, and that was the love I wanted, but then he would tell me that this is what all little girls did with their daddies, just like you said, and that confused the hell out of me. It wasn't the love I wanted, it wasn't love, but how was I to tell? I knew my mother would never believe me, so I blamed myself for letting it happen. That mixed up little kid didn't know what was right and what was wrong and true, thought that it was better than no love at all. Boy remembering that sure hurts now, how horrid, to even think back at it now. But thank God I was able to break away from and move on as an adult, but it took so many years to believe in my heart that I was not to blame in any way shape or form. We do need to talk about it, end the cycle, end the "domino effect."

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    1. Thanks for your wonderful comment Mary. You have confirmed what I wrote in that blog, using your own story as an example. And yes, when a father "nicely" does this to his daughter, how utterly confusing it is to a young child who has yet to learn the difference between his kind of love and the love she wants and needs. Makes me wonder too what was missing in your parents' marriage that he turned to you for his needs ... a question I've asked myself over and over about my own father. Or is it just that our fathers had some warped streak in them and didn't acknowledge the difference themselves. So hard to know ...

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    2. Yes it is hard to understand Viga, I remember as a child and as I lay there scared, with my eyes closed, trying so hard to fall asleep, but knowing what was coming. When he did come into my room I kept my eyes closed and pretended I was asleep, as he fondled me from top to bottom, I wondered why is he doing this to me? What gave him the right? Because I was a child and couldn't fight back? I can still see his hands, he had big hands, his hands always scared me. I'm sorry I'm rambling here..Sometimes I don't think he knew the difference and certainly didn't think it was wrong..Thinking back to all this, is bringing a flurry of memories back to me so I am going to sign off here, Your writing of your book is going to be fabulous and needs to be out there to save someone, and I know it will..hugs my friend..<3

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  2. As an incest survivor, I certainly can relate. Powerful post here, Viga. The scariest part and most definitely the hardest, was (for me) sitting down with my parents & my now husband. Opening up about the incest, telling Mom in front of Dad details of what happened. Dad denied everything, Mom didn't believe me. Once I crossed that line of healing, part of "the lie" was put to rest. "The Lie" being, the fear, the mental shame & guilt of the incest, the wondering what was on the other side of my journey to healing. I see people for what they really are, I see the whole incestuous past, for what it is, I see my future for what it can be. The cycle must be broken, if not for me, then for my children, my grandchildren and their grandchildren. Open your eyes, as well as open your mouths. Incest is a silent destroyer of everything good and beautiful in life. Our children. Thank you, Viga, for your strength & resolve to help other incest survivors.

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    1. Thanks darling for taking time out to leave your comment here. I think I replied briefly in our facebook group but forgot to do so here. What courage it must have taken for you to face your father in front of your mother. And how typical was each of their reactions!! Him denying it and her not believing it. I'm curious about their relationship after the revelation? Did she ever question him further? Is she still with him? Did she ever come to you as a mother should and talk about it further? Or did it all just get shushed up! Makes me so mad as that's what seems to happen in most of these cases. Like I so often say, when even mom doesn't support her child or believe her, she is as guilty as the abuser! Accessory to the crime for which we, the victims, do the time!

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  3. I, too, have been speaking out & encouraging others to do so as well. I absolutely agree that the Obly way that we can change the way child predators are viewed & dealt with is to speak out & put the shame, hurt, stigma, etc., back where it belongs! On & With the predators! I feel that those who defend & protect them deserve @ least equal consequences/punishment or @ the very least, exposure. I come from a generational incest/molest family & I am evidently the only person who has spoken out against it & been unwilling to accept &/or ignore it or "just get over it!", as I was so often admonished to do. I have endured & survived some Horrible things for refusing to Stop or accept it. It began from infancy & then my Mother, started studying w/JW's when I was 11 & it was the perfect religion to get a victim to believe that all the awful things the predators say are True! I left when a 14 yr. old, female babysitter w/a millionaire "Elder" grandfather molested my children. It's a long & complicated story! I have been told by IDK how many different people over the years that I need to write a book & hope to do so someday if &/or when the imminent danger is finally over, if I live to see that day! @ years ago this last April 9th, the day before my Birthday, a nearly 70 year old, decades long predator & once an Elder who in fact gave myself & my now Ex-husband our premarital counseling, molested my Granddaughter when she was 4 1/2! My Mother was dating him & they were close friends for many years. She is also the one who recommended the 14 year old babysitter! Seeing a bit of a pattern here? This man was a well known & respected "businessman" here & had a lot of "connections", both w/corrupt cops, wealthy businessmen as well as Gang members & drug users. He had money & resources as well! When the 1st officer came to take the statement, I was told to tell no one about the investigation or I would be arrested & charged with obstruction of justice! After they quit even bothering to try & pretend like they were going to do anything & all the evidence as well as the interview that was recorded, mysteriously "disappeared", I decided that since they told me to tell no one, I was going to tell Every & Anyone who would listen! Both because I wanted to expose him & I felt an obligation to do so to hopefully protect other innocent children. For a year & 1/2, the nightmare continued until somehow, someone heard me & reopened the case! He was about to be arrested but got a heads up from a cop friend & decided instead, to borrow a gun & blow his brains out! All this is just part of what's been going on for the last several years & doesn't touch on the rest of my story! So Yes, Please, any & everyone who has been or is still being Hurt; Find the courage to speak out! We must Unite & Demand Change! They should be hunted down like the Terrorists they are!

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    1. Wow .. that is one of the most horrendous stories I've heard to date ... and I am hearing far too many of them in my private group on Facebook. If you are on Facebook, I hope you will ask for membership in our group. Please visit this url one you login: https://www.facebook.com/groups/speakoutfromunder/

      You confirm and validate so much of what I'm trying to get across in this blog, in my book, in my poems and in my posts and interactions with my group on Facebook. This is a scourge that has gone on for eons, that people still try to pretend isn't happening. Victims are being re-victimized over and over when they try to speak up. But I truly believe that the more we victims speak up, blog, write books etc., that denial we all encounter will be weakened, if not eradicated and that somehow we can teach our vulnerable youngsters that keeping quiet is the last thing they should be doing.

      I would like to share your comments here with my group. I'm sure the reactions will be swift and shocked, even though so many of them have experienced the same. We never stop being shocked by others' stories, and if we are still shocked, then what about those who don't even know or think this could possibly be happening? If shock is what it takes, then I say, let's shock them into awareness!

      Thank you so much for commenting and I truly hope you will, indeed, write that book one day. I'll be first in line to buy it.

      Viga

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  4. You won't feel so alone and downcast when you meet people who share the same experiences. You may find it hard to hear what others have gone through, but this will help you express what you wanted to say as well. You went through the same things, in essence. Well, others might’ve encountered worse, but the thing is, you can gain strength and positive beliefs when you hear from others too. Your book will inspire many people. This will not only help victims of incest, but others who were sexually abused too.

    Vesta Duvall @ Zalkin Law Firm

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    1. Exactly Vesta ... and thank you so much for commenting on this post. I think there are many victims out there who think they are the only ones living this nightmare and the actual figures on incest are quite staggering. It's far more widespread than anyone realizes. That's why it's so important that victims not hesitate to seek out others like them as there's truly comfort in numbers and knowing we are not the only ones and definitely not alone. Thanks for supporting my effort with my book. I too hope it will inspire and encourage others to speak out from under incest and child sexual abuse. We CAN do it!

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