HOW MUCH GRAPHIC DETAIL SHOULD ONE INCLUDE IN A BOOK ON #CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE?

I came across a very interesting blog post this morning that I want to share with you all. You can read it here:

http://www.thelamplighters.org/llblog01/graphic-details/

I have very strong feelings about this excellent post and the ideas presented. Because of that, I left a long comment on it. Here's what I wrote:

“I really liked your blog post Marjorie. I felt the points you raised were very important and I left a long comment on the post. Hope you don't mind. I'd like to share my comment here too in case others don't read what I wrote: "The points you've raised here are very important. This is something I had to decide when I was writing my book, NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER: how graphic should my book be? In the end, I found I couldn't write it any other way that to tell how it happened, what he said to me, how he coached me, led me to do what he wanted, and what he actually did. I saw no point in even writing the book without these details. Otherwise, what was the purpose of writing it? I wanted to enlighten others to how a predator, in this case my own father, gets his way. I wanted readers to see his thinking, the psychology, the motivation behind his actions and his ability to manipulate a defenseless child, his own child. How else to do that than by actually giving details? But as you suggest, it was necessary to put a 'trigger warning' on the book and that's what I did.

I have been criticized by only one other writer, herself a victim, for providing, what she called "the guts and gore" in my story. She said victims don't need those details, that I should have focused on recovery and healing. Well I'm not a therapist and how I healed was not the focus of my story. Mine was just that: my story ... take it or leave it ... but it was honest and real. If I wanted to write a book on healing, I would have. But I don't feel qualified to do that. And besides, there are many wonderful books out there for that purpose. I even addressed this in one of my book talks where some of my readers, themselves victims, said I'd done the right thing as it helped them relate even better and helped them realize they were not alone when they heard what he actually said and did to me.

Bottom line: 2 sides to this argument and you are so right: write the story as YOU need to and if it's graphic, put in a warning and let the reader decide if they can handle it. As for the others, get your heads out of the sand folks. This is the real world and this is happening in a home near you!”

We actually videoed segments of the book talk I referred to above where other victims gave their views on the graphic detail in my book. If you'd like to hear what they said, watch this video:

So now, I'd love your feedback on my response and on Marjorie's original blogpost on her LAMPLIGHTER MOVEMENT site. Was NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER too graphic?  Should graphic details be spared in books on child sexual abuse? Waiting to hear from you: what do you think? And by the way, you can download a FREE SAMPLE of my book at both SMASHWORDS and GOODREADS. 

Book Review: BEYOND THE TEARS by Lynn C. Tolson: #incest

My first encounter with Lynn C Tolson was actually on Facebook. As I became involved in groups and pages about childhood sexual abuse, Lynn's name kept popping up everywhere. Who was this woman? My research revealed she was an author, herself once a victim of sexual abuse, and currently a social worker and speaker who gives a great deal of her time and self to helping other victims, both on and offline. I got the impression she was well-known and I felt dwarfed by her achievements. But at that point, she was still just a name with a nice Facebook photo. 

Now, having read Lynn's book, if it were possible, the one thing I'd love to do is meet her in person. I want to meet this woman who at the opening of her book was on her way to commit suicide. She'd had it! She couldn't take any more. She hauled into a motel, swallowed all the pills she could find and waited for death to come. But life wasn't done with her yet because she had a mission to fulfill: to heal from her own devastating and lonely past; to conquer her drug-addicted lifestyle; to rid herself of an older husband who was using her low self-esteem to victimize her further, and ultimately to share her path to recovery with the thousands of other victims out there who might also think that taking their own lives is the only solution. Thank heaven Lynn's attempt to end it all failed or Beyond the Tears wouldn't have been written.  

The one thing that stood out for me as I got further and further into Lynn's story of sexual abuse by both her schizophrenic biological father, and later, by her older brother, was her extreme isolation, even as a young child, in a family of several members. Like all victims of sexual abuse, she couldn't  bring herself to tell her own mother of the abuse. Why? Because her mother was too delicate, too fragile. So to save her mother from heartache, she let her own heart ache with her ugly secret. Intimidated by her step-father, confused by her own father, ignored by her mother and scorned and berated by her abusive brother, Lynn wandered through her teens dulling her pain on street drugs. She watched a soul-mate die from an overdose and still couldn't help herself. After compounding the mess of her life by marrying a mentally and verbally abusive husband, suicide seemed the only out till fate stepped in. Lynn met Karen and with love, caring and wise counsel, Karen got Lynn to open up and tell all.

As all abuse victims come to realiize sooner or later, healing begins in finally telling someone, but it is journalling, writing, that ultimately closes the wounds. Karen encouraged Lynn to do that. Lynn took another 20 years before putting pen to paper and further heal, but it is her readers, especially those who are victims of childhood sexual abuse who benefit from her writing.  Lynn not only shares her life with us in an easy to read, semi-fictional style, but she peppers her story with insights and reflections on the personalities of her family and how they contributed to her isolation, an isolation I sense she still feels today but is able to live with.  Every so often, she throws in some touching poetry that is short and poignant. And by sharing Karen's words of counsel and wisdom with us, Lynn offers the reader concepts that truly help one heal. 

If there's one thing I love about the internet and social networking sites like Facebook, it's that it clarifies perceptions we form of people when we only meet them in print, as in their blogs, poems or books. Read their words and you form a picture of them. Look at their photos and we see what the words don't show. Listen to their voices, as I did recently in a blog talk show with Lynn and the image sharpens. Watch a video (Lynn has one on her own blog site at http://beyondthetears.blogspot.ca, and you suddenly know a lot more about this person who till now was just a name on a book.

Getting to know Lynn C Tolson begins with reading BEYOND THE TEARS, but don't stop there! Visit her blog, read her posts, check out her other reviews and videos at Goodreads, and come to know this strong woman who was once a victim of child sexual abuse but is today a survivor and thriver. As Karen told her: "When you lose your identity as a victim, you gain an identity as a survivor". BEYOND THE TEARS is a guide to doing just that. 

HALLOWE'EN: NOT MY FAVOURITE NIGHT OF THE YEAR

I'm not the greatest fan of Hallowe'en. Don't know why. I find nothing particularly wonderful about seeing horrible masks, ghouls, freaks, cobwebs on trees and houses and all the other things that scare children ... and adults too for that matter.

Maybe it's because of my past, of living with someone of whom I was so frightened that I was too scared to go to bed at night. I still hear doors opening when everyone was supposed to be asleep. I see the thin shaft of light coming into my room and the dark, looming figure of a man ... my father ... carefully closing the door behind him and feeling his way in the dark over to my bed...

My monster was alive, real. He put on a different mask when friends were around. He was Mr. Friendly, affable, personable. He cared about his wife and child. But he didn't wait for or need Hallowe'en to terrify me. He just did.

Sorry if I don't get into the spirit. Oh I still give out the candies and smile at the sweet little princesses and angels who come to my door shyly saying "Trick or Treat". And I even write poems for them, and in my heart hope that the only monsters and ugly people they ever see in their lives are the other kids running around the streets in costumes on October 31st.

Viga Boland, NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER: a true story of incest
http://www.vigaboland.com

FLASHBACKS! A UNWANTED NECESSARY EVIL RESULTING FROM #CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE AND #INCEST

One of the most devastating after effects of childhood sexual abuse and incest is the FLASHBACKS. For years, the victim may not have them. Then suddenly, they may smell something and it sets off a panic somewhere inside. Or they may hear a bit of music that triggers a memory of something horrid, unpleasant, but they're not sure what's happening. All they know is the memory hurts. It begins hurtling around their minds and try as they may, they can't get it to stop. It feels like it's consuming their minds. It's overwhelming, like screaming in the brain.  And once the flashbacks start, it seems to take less and less to trigger them and the vicious memories come harder, faster, deeper every time they strike. What is going on? 

According to Beverly Engel, author of "The Right to Innocence", as awful as flashbacks are, they tell you something very important about yourself. You are evolving; you are changing, growing emotionally even if you don't believe it. And as much as you despise how it makes you feel, like you were going insane, it's what I call, a necessary evil to recovery and healing. To repeat what I so often say in my private group at Facebook: "No pain, no gain". The longer you avoid facing the truth about your past and what happened, the longer you are going to suffer. As Beverly says:

“You cannot make yourself have a flashback, nor will you have one unless you are emotionally ready to remember something. Once remembered, the memory can help you to face more of the truth. You can then express your pent-up feelings about the memory and continue on your path to recovery. Think of the flashback as a clue to the next piece of work. No matter how painful, try to view it as a positive indication that you are now ready and willing to remember.” The Right to Innocence by Beverly Engel

So many readers of my book, NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER, have asked me how I got over it. How come I'm so "together" today.  Don't I have flashbacks? Yes, I do. Every day in fact. But the intensity isn't even remotely close to what it was 10,  20, 30, 40 years ago. It's more like the sudden storm that terrified me as a child but instead of running and hiding, I applaud how far I've come: it doesn't frighten me any more. Now it's just a reminder that I am free, no longer a prisoner of my past.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR CHILDREN ARE DOING WITH EACH OTHER? #SIBLING ABUSE and #INCEST

Until now, while incest is the focus of my blog, I have generally spoken most about father/daughter incest, because that's what I know, and that's what I wrote about in my book, NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER. 

But over the past year, I've had the pleasure ... if that's the right word ... of meeting with and speaking privately with the many courageous victims of incest who are members of my private group at Facebook, SPEAK OUT FROM UNDER CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE in FAMILIES. What I have learned and heard from these valiant victim/survivors has moved me to tears, made me bristle with anger and made me what to scream "What's wrong with all you parents, the mothers and fathers, aunts, uncles, grandparents who know this is going on and refuse to acknowledge it or help the victim!"

Don't say you don't know. I don't believe you! I can't believe you! The truth is you don't want the truth to come out because of the embarrassment it might cause the family. Or some of you mothers are so damn dependent on your spouses, you sacrifice your daughter to her father's or stepfather's lust. Shame on you all! You are as disgusting and as despicable as the perpetrators because by your refusal to rectify the situation, you allow this to go on and on and be carried from one generation to the next, because sadly, statistics are showing that indeed many of the abused become abusers. Those subjected to incest as children grow up to sexually molest their own children. The domino effect of incest is real. Worse yet, incest is alive, well and happening, even between brothers and sisters. Don't believe me? With her permission, I share some of T's story of sibling sexual abuse, most of which occurred before she was 9:

"I would like to start by saying some people should not be allowed to have children, and if a child is unlucky enough to be born into that hell then they should be removed immediately. My mother was one such person. I grew up with 5 brothers and one sister. 4 different fathers. We were never stable moving from house to house and husband to husband. I can honestly say not one of my stepfathers ever touched me violently or sexually."

"Her (T's mom) first time away over night was when the abuse started. I pitched a fit at being left alone with R (T's brother), and she said to me 'Why do you have to be so selfish? I get very little time to myself and you are trying to ruin it. God punishes selfish girls'. 

R came into my room that night and told me we were going to play a game and if i got it right he wouldnt have to throw me out the window of my bedroom. I fought and he beat me and choked me (He liked to call me the C word- over and over again until any variantion was just a drone)  until i did what he wanted, vomiting in the process which brought another beating. For years i thought this was my punishment for being selfish.

Then next weekend brought another over night trip for my mom and another opportunity for R. I didnt fight that time, i was good and did everything he wanted even when he started touching me hard and hurting me. After he was finished he beat mr for being a whore and of course every variation of the c word known to man.  Every punch or kick i was told that i had done this, look at what i had done.

It didnt seem to matter what i did: I was sexually abused then beaten weekend after weekend and occasionally if My mother had a dinner date during the week. It was like she didnt see me, the bruises or any of it. She stopped looking at me. She would talk to me but look just above my head.

I went to my mom the next morning and told her what R had been doing to me. She looked at me for a long time, just a blank stare. I had no idea the slap was coming until I was on the floor. She  sounded so sad when she said 'You are from the devil. Why do my girls have to be lying troublemakers?' (I found out later that my sister have been sexually abused by several different men starting just before puberty). She stopped acknowledging my existence, pretended i wasnt there. I went to my room to hide and I heard her go out the front door with my little brothers.

I was completely alone in the house with R. He met me at my bedroom door as I was trying to run out and threw me against the opposite wall. Grabbed me by the hair and held me there while he ripped my clothes away, banging my head against the wall over and over ( i remember things going spotty and dark). I was crying for my mom to save me and he got really close to my face (i remember feeling him spitting when he talked) 'She said you are not worth saving, you little c**t'. He threw me to the ground and put his knee on my chest ( guess to hold me still) and i couldnt breath in, everything became black and i felt like i was floating away. I still think someone was looking out for me and knew i needed to be absent from my body. I still dont know what was done to me that night, I woke up naked and cold. I remember being so embarrassed that i had peed myself like a baby and there was blood on the floor. I couldnt get up, everything hurt so bad, even to scoot toward my bed seemed like it took hours and i was so afraid he would come back. i made it under my bed and against the wall at the back. I must have fell asleep and i dont know how long i had stayed there. I woke up and it was daylight and i could here my mom downstairs. I had peed myself again and needed to go again but i have no idea in actual time. i crawled to the bathroom and i my face and body were all dried blood and bruises. I washed away the blood and then washed my privates with the cleaner under the sink I think it was pine-sol, i contiued to do this until i was 12 and living with my sister. I was still bleeding a little from down there and i was sore but i was able to walk.

I went downstairs and my mom acted like nothing happened. She smiled and said 'Good morning Sunshine' like she did on her happy days but she didnt see me."

Sorry that was so long (the full story is longer) but if you managed to read it all, what are you thinking now? I know what I thought of T's mom and her abusive brother, R. And I ask you: how does this happen? What was with T's mom? How did T's brother turn into such a beast? And why did T's family take her brother's side when she finally lost it and attacked him at age 13? Thank you T for letting me share parts of your story that proves sibling abuse and incest is alive and well and may be happening in a house near you who are reading this blog.

Now, If you're a parent, do you really know what is going on between your children when you're not around?

WHAT THE BOOK, "NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER", IS NOT!

When you write a book as close to your heart, to your whole essence in fact, on a subject as sensitive and hidden as incest as I have done in "NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER" it's similar to taking off all your clothes and walking naked down the busiest street in town: the internet. You don't know if baring your soul, telling your truth, exposing your sordid past in such graphic detail will bring praise for your courage or condemnation for your failure to act years ago. But you do it anyway, hoping that by doing so you might encourage some other victim to do likewise.

That's how I approached writing this book. And as I say on my website, there are those who should read it and those who shouldn't.

After receiving a review on Goodreads from a reader that left me feeling a little flat, I've decided that I now need to add another category to "who shouldn't read this book". The reader/reviewer gave the book a 4-star rating and left some very positive comments which I appreciated. But she also said she felt let down as I did not go into more detail about how I recovered from years of abuse.

I need to address this: NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER is not a self-help book and was never intended as one.  It's not therapy for the sexually abused. I am not qualified to write such a book. I cannot even begin to explain how I recovered over the 40 or so years after I was finally away from my abuser, my father. All I know is I embraced the chance life had finally given me to enjoy it with my new husband and I couldn't enjoy it by living in and forever remembering my abusive past.

I also knew I had to make up for a lot of lost time: my father had stolen my teen years ... all of them. I'd missed out on so much being isolated by him and not allowed to live a normal life. Once away, I have spent the rest of my life catching up, trying to do everything he never allowed me to do. And again, how could I do that if I was forever remembering, agonizing, flashing back?

Please don't think for a moment that I didn't have down times. Of course I did. I still cried when I was alone, wanted to scream and yell when I got angry at anyone ... my husband, even my lovely children ... and I still had to hold myself back and not want to end my life from time to time. But something, the survivor in me, said NO, my life is worth so much more. There was some reason I had been freed from my hell and I was going to find out what it was.  In time, I did:

Reason #1: To ensure that my husband and girls had a good life and that we grew in love as a family, I had to grow out of hate and anger. I had to focus on the gain, and not the pain.

Reason #2: To eventually write my book, NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER, so I could encourage others to speak out from under their own hellish past of sexual abuse.

You see, I did achieve what I set out to do with this book: it was always, first and foremost, a story ... my story ... my own true story of incest. It was never meant to be a book like "THE COURAGE TO HEAL", which I strongly recommend, by the way. And there are many more such books on the market, written by qualified people.

So, if you want a book geared toward helping you recover from childhood sexual abuse,
NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER, is not what you're looking for. But if you are looking to learn about this hideous, hidden sickness happening in so many homes and want to get into the mind and manipulative skills of an abusive parent and understand what it does to a child for years after, then you will find this book interesting, eye-opening, along with disturbing and infuriating as so many readers have said. And if you are a victim who isn't looking for my book to heal you, but to encourage you to speak out from under, then this book is a must-read.

And it's now available in both printed and e-Book form directly from my website at THIS LINK.

WHO SHOULD READ THIS BOOK?

1) Those who truly care about children’s welfare and wants to know the truth about what can and does go on in thousands of families worldwide. These readers want to understand how incest affects children as they grow into adulthood and what the long-lasting effects of incest can be like.

2) Those who are in denial and refuse to believe this kind of child sexual abuse actually occurs at the hands of fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers, aunts and uncles and other close family relatives

WHO SHOULDN’T READ THIS BOOK?

1) Those who think incest is an acceptable and enjoyable activity between family members

2) Those who think this is another “Fifty Shades of Gray” and are looking for sexual stimulation via books

3) Those who are still very raw in their own healing and recovery from incest and could be easily triggered by the graphic scenes and language

4) Those who are looking for a book on recovery and self-help in healing from abuse

SEX IS GREAT BETWEEN CONSENTING PARTIES ... BUT CHILDREN ARE NOT CONSENTING PARTIES TO #INCEST

It's been roughly a year since I started this blog. I was trepidacious at first. For one thing, I knew I was about to reveal a very dark and rather ugly side of my life as a teen to the millions who scour the internet looking for words like "sex", "incest" "child sexual abuse".  Many would be victims of child sexual abuse looking for help, looking for some explanation of why family members thought it was okay to molest a little 3 or 4-year-old girl or boy or a prepubescent teen.   Others would be those who get off on these subjects, who find incest "hot", "exciting" "stimulating".

In the  past year, this blog has been visited by over 28,000 people. Folks have subscribed to this blog, left comments, and linked through to my Facebook pages at COMING OUT FROM UNDER INCEST and also requested membership in my private Facebook group, SPEAK OUT FROM UNDER CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE IN FAMILIES.

I am so grateful to each and every one of you who came to this blog for the right reason. My intention has always been to encourage other victims to speak out from under child sexual abuse and incest and NOT to glorify the disgusting and perverted practice of sex between non-consenting parties. Children are a non-consenting party: they  cannot and do not give you consent to use their bodies for your sexual pleasures. You people fill me with revulsion and your participation in this blog or in my Facebook group is NOT WELCOMED!

I will continue to fight you in the only way I now can: with words. That is why I wrote and published my own true story, NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER. And I sincerely thank all who have purchased my book, posted a review at GOODREADS, and told others about my book.

I wrote NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER to encourage other victims of incest to speak up about the abuse they didn't want or deserve as children. Now that my book is done, what can you expect from this blog in the future? More of the same, but what I hope to start bringing you very soon is other victims' stories. Several in my Facebook group have consented to my sharing these with you. They will remain anonymous if they so choose, The important thing now is that folks realize mine is NOT an isolated case. There are thousands, millions like me out there!

I will also be posting excerpts from book on this blog, at MY WEBSITE, and shortly, you will even be able to download FREE e-book sample chapters from GoodReads. So do sign up as a follower or friend on my Goodreads Author page.

I'd like to leave you with my latest video pertaining to my book, NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER, in which I discuss why it's so important that victims of incest and child sexual abuse keep talking about it, and more importantly, why the general public needs to get its collective head out of the sand and wake up to the fact that 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 5 boys are sexually molested by the age of 18, that 90% of these children know their abusers and 30% of the abusers are members of the child's family!

WHY VICTIMS OF #CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE and #INCEST STAY SILENT

In the video above,  meet the writer behind this blog, and the author of a true story of incest,  NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER, Viga Boland.
This morning, one of the members of my private Facebook group, SPEAK OUT FROM UNDER CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE IN FAMILIES, told us:
"I can't stop crying its getting too much for me. Why!"
She sounded distraught. We rushed in to console and support her and probe what was causing the endless tears. She stated something that I think every victim of childhood sexual abuse says, not once, but many, many times: 
"Why, why did it have to be me?  What did I ever do wrong?"
Why did it have to be her? What did she ever do wrong? Why did it have to be YOU, who are reading this, or ME, who is writing it? What did you, or I, or that member ever do wrong to bring unwanted sexual abuse of our bodies? That was like the final question I asked my father in my book, NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER:
"Why? Why couldn't you have just been my dad!"
The thing is, when did I ask him that? I asked him that question in the year, 2000, over thirty years after the abuse had ended and he lay dead on his bed, no longer able to hurt me or my mother or anyone else. Brave, wasn't I! Such a brave person that it still took me until a few years ago to finally tell my husband and children the truth about my past (learn more in the video above). So brave that I got up the  courage to write a book about it all and tell the world about what my father put me through ... over 40 years after it all happened!
You know, that's one hell of a long time to keep a secret that eats at you day and night, that keeps you crying on the inside if not on the outside. WHY? Now I ask WHY? WHY do we keep quiet? Why don't we tell? That member, and almost every other member of my group gives the same reason:
"I am so scared of talking about what happened. I spoke about it 10 years ago however I felt so alone and felt like I'm hurting my family so I stopped talking about it.  For 11 years I have been pretending everything is fine but deep down, I hurt so much!"
We don't talk about it because we're so afraid of hurting our families. So we hurt ourselves instead, not just for a day or a month but for years and years. We protect the family, their sensitivities, their honour, their reputation. And then friends and family all look at us and wonder why we cry a lot, are distant, maybe even bitchy, or act up or act out, or become hopeless alcoholics, or addicted to drugs or prescription pills ... need I go on? Mothers brush it off and laughingly tell their friends, "Aw, it's just that time of month" or "she's just a bit crazy sometimes".  They wouldn't dare tell their friends "her father has sex with her instead of with me!" Now, how would that look? So, childhood victims of sexual abuse bottle it up, keep quiet, protect the family, suffer in silence and everyone's happy, right? WRONG! So damn wrong! 
I went out on a limb recently when 2 sisters were fined $125, 000 for defamation of character. They had alleged their uncle had sexually abused them at 4 - 6 years of age. Their story couldn't be proved but the judge felt he had proof they had set out to deliberately malign the uncle's reputation. I was quoted in a news article by CBC Hamilton saying I felt the ruling in this case would deter victims of sexual abuse from telling their stories. I was also shocked by the judge's statement that, had this been a case of child sexual abuse, and had it been awarded in favour of victims of abuse, they would have each been granted $35, 000. It was incomprehensible to me that child sex abuse was deemed so much less important than defamation of character. I wasn't questioning the outcome of the case! I didn't even know it wasn't a child sex abuse case but a defamation case.  I was just disturbed that child sexual abuse is still, simply, not a big deal. Tell that to the thousands of abuse victims out there who, like that member above, can't stop crying, who won't tell so she can protect her family or hushes everything up simply because, as I was, she or he is scared ... scared of the abuser, maybe even scared for her or his life.
Many comments have been left on that CBC article. Most of them shoot me down. Most of them are by men who intimate they wouldn't want their reputations sullied by some hysterical female alleging abuse, allegations which are most likely, false in their considered and informed opinions. You can read what they had to say on that CBC site.  Then there's the guy on DIGITAL JOURNAL (where I'd written an article about this case, prior to the CBC article) who made this comment on my article:
"I have now read the full judgment in this case, and wondered if anyone else who has read this article has, including the author, who has clearly used it as a shameless plug for her book which contains allegations of a sexual nature against her father. She makes no mention here of his being convicted of any offence, presumably she would have had this been the case, so would I be right in assuming he is now dead and can't defend himself?"
How very astute of him. Yes, I had seized an opportunity to inform people about my book which I feel is an important book for victims and non-victims and I'd love to see millions of people read it.  But to then question the veracity of what I have disclosed, with such complete honesty in my book, NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER as he has done, well that's like kicking a dog after it finally got back up on its feet. Thanks for nothing pal! You just re-affirmed why for years, we keep
"pretending everything is fine but deep down"  we "hurt so much!"

IS THERE A POSSIBLE MEDICAL EXPLANATION FOR AN ABUSER'S COMPULSIVE SEXUAL ACTIONS & ERRATIC BEHAVIOUR?

So, one of my readers/reviewers wrote to me the other day with this question:

"I have been thinking about something you said and I can't get it out of my mind...you mentioned that your father began molesting you around the same time he was experiencing migraine headaches....could it be at all possible that your father suffered from a brain tumor?  I read recently that certain tumors can trigger compulsive sexual actions and other erratic behavior....just a thought.....perhaps you can speak to a neurosurgeon who would know whether or not your father displayed any such symptomatic behavior.....if so, it may be some small comfort to you, that he had no control over his actions.....just a thought I felt I needed to share...."

I was very pleased she came out and asked me this question, primarily because it's really good to know your book has left a reader still thinking about the why's and wherefores ... just as I've been doing all my life!

In fact, I'm pretty sure my own reading habits ( I love psychological thrillers) stem from my never satisfied need to know why my father abused me sexually, mentally and physically.  After all these years, even though I'm reasonably well-healed and have achieved further closure by writing my book, NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER, not a day goes by that I don't ask myself, as I did in the closing lines of my story, "WHY?" Why did daddy do that to me?

Was there something, as the questioner asks, medically wrong with him i.e.  a tumour? I told my reader I didn't think that was an explanation as he had begun having the migraines, sporadically, shortly after we moved to Canada. He would have been stressed, looking for work etc. and he had always been a perfectionist, e.g. when as a child I'd proudly showed him I got 98% on a math test and he replied:

"What's good about that? It should be 100%!"

From what I've read, perfectionists are prone to migraines. Furthermore, he would have been in his mid-thirties when we came to Canada ... but he was nearly 80 when he died. So a tumour is an unlikely reason for his "compulsive sexual actions and other erratic behaviour." It would have been nice if indeed, that had been the reason: it might have been easier to forgive him.

But now, thinking about the question in the title of my blog post, if there isn't a medical explanation for why sexual abusers abuse, then what is the explanation? What goes on inside their heads? What makes them think it's okay to have sex with their own children? For that matter, why do rapists rape? Were they themselves perhaps, the victims of sexual or other abuse as children? Rape is an angry act. It's also an act of insecurity. It's a need to feel powerful. Does that spell a loss of power, security way back in the abuser's own childhood? Or is rape, sexual abuse of children, or any kind of abuse all about being narcissistic ... of feeling one's own needs supersede everyone else's? Do these abusers have a sense of entitlement? Were they perhaps spoiled as children to the extent that they believe they can have whatever they want when they want it?

I know from what little my father told me of his early childhood that his own father was a high court judge, and his son could have whatever he wanted. My father was used to having his own way, even as a child. Then suddenly, his mother passed away from TB when he was 10. He lost something he really needed: his mother, and no amount of money could bring her back. So he grabbed onto love, my mother's, mine, and then did everything in his power to hold onto it, including, in my case, forcing sex on me when I was too young and too scared to stop him.

Have you been a victim of incest? Are you, like me, always seeking an explanation for why it happened to you? Are you forever asking yourself 'WHY?" Why did my father molest me? Why did my brother force himself on me? Why did my grandfather touch me sexually? Have you come up with any answers? Do you know enough about their pasts to shed some light on the reasons for their behaviour? I'd be interested in your thoughts and comments. Thanks for reading.

*************

TO PURCHASE YOUR COPY OF NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER, VISIT MY WEBSITE: VIGA BOLAND

NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER: A TRUE STORY OF #INCEST

Well, it's done! My life-long dream of writing a book is finally a reality and it's quite daunting to think that people all over the world could now know all nasty details of my life from ages 11- 23. 

Do I regret baring my soul so publicly? Not for a moment!

Was it the book I always wanted to write? No way! 

In fact, it wasn't the book I wanted to write or ever planned to write ... but it was the book I HAD to write! And I know I'll never regret doing it.  This story had to be told to help increase awareness of the effects of child sexual abuse and to encourage other victims to speak out from under incest. 

But what's really interesting for me now is what is happening in my own mind as comments and reviews start to come in from those who have read it. Those reviews and the 5-star ratings I'm receiving are fantastic and very rewarding ... and you can read what people have said so far at my GOODREADS AUTHOR'S PAGE.  I am so grateful to those who have posted there and hope there will be many more over the months ahead. 

But when I refer to what is going on in my head now, it's more to do with what I am now learning about myself from my readers! They are saying things about me that I either didn't know or have denied  to myself for over 40 years. They speak of my childhood as "horrific"; they say my story is "gut-wrenching", made them want to vomit and more. And I read all this and I'm quite shocked. I ask myself why my story doesn't have that affect on me?  Am I that far along in my healing?  Am I that "strong" that I could just turn off the pain like that? Or am I perhaps, numb? Have I that effectively shut down all the pain valves and buried all that happened so deep I can no longer find it? 

And I'm scared too, in a way. What if suddenly it lurches up and slams me in the face, like that time I went under hypnosis and cried for 3 days and had no idea why I was crying. Or did I cry it all out then and move on?

This is quite amazing to me. Some have asked me if writing the book was therapeutic?  Well of course, but I think I had come to grips with it long ago or I might not have been able to write it yet.  But what writing NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER has done is given me closure. Yes, at last, I have closure on my abusive past.  I feel fully liberated. Now when folks say "Oh, you've written a book. What's it about?" I no longer swallow, gulp, blush with shame as I see their reaction to the word "incest". 

In fact, I feel the opposite: I feel proud, yes proud that I can say I survived incest and now am on a mission to help others get over incest and child sexual abuse. And I am proud that I have found a way to help them through my book.  From the beginning I've pushed the idea of "speaking out from under incest" and by practising what I preach, I now know how good that can feel. And I know NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER was the book I had to write!

I want to thank all those who have purchased my book this past week. It's only been available for 4 days and already, so many of you have bought a copy. I am truly humbled. I never dreamed this could happen for me. And it's what those readers are now saying that has restored my faith in myself, raised my self-esteem and proved to me that what my father drilled into my mind for years wasn't true: I wasn't ugly. He was! I wasn't a whore. He made me one.  I wasn't stupid, clumsy, all the other things he told me I was. And this wasn't my fault: it was all his!  And I wasn't a bad daughter as he said time and again, but he was a bad father. 

Included below are a few more photos of the book and its contents. If you would like to purchase a copy, you can do that HERE or at the highlighted links above. And if you're so inclined, I invite you to 'LIKE' my new AUTHORS PAGE AT FACEBOOK.  Thanks for reading and subscribing to this blog.  More posts coming in the future along with a new Author's Website where the blog will appear once it's fully created. 

And please do share my blog link with others who need and want to SPEAK OUT FROM UNDER INCEST!

NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER is 291 pages, printed on easy to read white paper. 

NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER contains photos of myself and my family, along with my poems.

NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER has a beautiful full-colour glossy cover, front and back. 

Victims' own voices are the best weapons against #child sexual abuse and #incest. But are people listening?

This blog has been quiet for too long now as I have been hell-bent on finishing my book, NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER, but at last, it should be on its way to the printer by the end of this week. I am really looking forward to sharing it with you and hope, in turn, you will talk about and share it with others.

Folks have been asking where they will be able to purchase it. Initially, you will be able to buy the book, an autographed copy, directly from me.  I will have links on this blog, and eventually on my author's website currently being created.  An eBook will eventually also become available.  I'll keep you informed.

In the meantime, I'd like to share with you the content of the last few pages in which I have addressed you, the readers of my book.  I feel the message there is one for all of us who have suffered incest and child sexual abuse. As always, your comments on this post are appreciated and please do share the url to this post with anyone whom you may feel it will benefit. Thanks for reading.

DEAR READER (excerpt from NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER)

Oprah Winfrey once said:

“What I know for sure is this:  You are built not to shrink down to less, but to blossom into more.  To be more splendid.  To be more extraordinary.  To use every moment to fill yourself up.” 

It is nearly impossible to fulfill that vision as long as we believe and live with what our abusers told us about ourselves.  The words with which they manipulated us for their own pleasure influence everything we are, think and do, even years after their abuse has stopped.  

From my perspective, the abuse inflicted on my body by my father is nothing compared to the damage he did to my mind, my self-esteem and my self-love, and it’s taken years of love and support from my family and a heck of a lot of self-talk to make me feel good about myself again.  I now know I was put on this earth for something bigger and better than to satisfy my father’s demands ... that I was meant to “blossom into more” become “more splendid” and “more extraordinary”.

I also know and believe with all my heart that none of us can become more extraordinary or more splendid as long as we tell ourselves that what happened was our fault!  

What happened was not our fault!  

We didn’t ask for it. We wore the shame; we took the blame.  But it was not our fault!  Those words are the only ones to tell yourself now, every day, if you are in the process of trying to heal, and that healing may take most of your life.  But we are worth whatever amount of time it takes!

And above all, we must start talking about incest!  We must COME OUT FROM UNDER and SPEAK OUT FROM UNDER Child Sexual Abuse.  I have bared all in this book to show you one way to come out from under.  There are others and many victim/survivors are using them.  They are writing books, blogs, poems and songs.  They are painting pictures.  Wonderful art is being born of their pain.  With every creation they are becoming “more splendid”, “more extraordinary”, because that’s what we are: we victims are extraordinary in what we have suffered and survived.  Yes, many of us have been silent because we lacked the courage to speak up.  We feared reprisal.  But many of us have been silent because we cared more for someone else than for ourselves.  I’d like to think that in being silent, we showed strength, not weakness.  Unlike our abusers, we didn’t put ourselves first!  And in that respect, we are extraordinary in a world where it’s always “me first!”

I would like to invite those of you who need a private place to talk with others and “bare all” to apply for membership in my closed Facebook group at this link:

SPEAK OUT FROM UNDER CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE IN FAMILIES: 

and I hope you will “like” my Facebook page, COMING OUT FROM UNDER INCEST: 

I also invite you to become a follower or subscribe to this blog, VIGALAND: COMING OUT FROM UNDER INCEST

According to the website, VOICE FOUND,  in Canada alone:

• 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 5 boys experience an unwanted sexual act before their 18th birthday.
• 95 % of child sexual abuse victims know their perpetrator.
• 30-40% of sexual assault victims are abused by a family member.
  Non-parental relatives – 35%
  Friends and Peers – 15%
  Stepfathers – 13%
  Biological Fathers – 9%
  Other Acquaintances – 9%
  Boyfriend/Girlfriend of Biological Parent – 5%
  Biological Mother – 5%
  Very few cases (2%) of substantiated sexual abuse involve a stranger.

• Child and youth victims who were sexually assaulted by family members were on average 9 years old compared to 12 years old for victims of non-family members.
• 64% of sexual offences reported to police took place in a residence
  26% took place in public and open areas, and
  11% took place in commercial places
• 54% of girls and 31% of boys under 21 have experienced sexual abuse; (22% of female victims reported two or more sexual offences and 7% of male victims reported two or more sexual offences)
• In 2005, the rate of sexual assault against children and youth was over five times higher than for adults (206 children and youth victims compared to 39 adult victims for every 100,000 people.)
• Boys 4-7 years of age were 3 times more often the victims of sexual abuse than boys of other ages.
• Girls aged 4-7 and 12-17 were twice as likely to be victims of sexual abuse as girls aged 0-3 and 8-11.

So just how big and widespread is child sexual abuse and incest? The statistics for Canada alone speak volumes.  Visit that link to see what the effect of this abuse is on the boys and girls who will be tomorrow's adults. It's frightening. And it's why I state in the beginning of my book that 

"Victims' own voices are the best weapons against child sexual abuse."

But is anyone listening? And if we do listen, do we really hear and believe what they tell us or do we sit silently in denial?  Wake up people!  This is happening in your city, your town, your neighbourhood.  And victims, come out from under however you can. Start talking to heal yourself. Speak out from under incest and child sexual abuse for the sake of today’s child and tomorrow’s adult. 

FACELESS CHILDREN, SILENT VOICES: THE CHILDREN OF #INCEST

A funny thing happened to me this past week. A friend in England wrote to say he was telling others  about my upcoming book, NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER. He commented what a hard job I, and others like me who decide to blog, write poems or books about incest have ahead of us, because when he tells folks what my book is about, 

"I sometimes notice a glazed, or uncomfortable expression appear on their faces..."

Why did I think this was funny? Because that very same day, when I told a neighbour I was writing a book and she smiled and brightly asked "on what?" and I came out without blinking an eye and said "incest", her eyes glazed over, and she didn't know where to look or what to say next. She was so obviously uncomfortable I felt bad for telling her about what to me, is now becoming the most important thing I've done with my life. I'm willing to bet that all victims of incest or child sexual abuse who have found the courage to speak out publicly about.

It shouldn't be so. Why is it so? We talk about rape, the sex trade, sex trafficking of young children, murder ... all of it, without our eyes glazing over. We feel sad, angered, helpless do do anything about it, but we're not uncomfortable and our eyes don't glaze over hoping the speaker will change the subject because we don't know what to say about fathers, brothers, mothers, sisters, grandfathers, uncles, aunts who use their own children for sexual release! Does this very discomfort we feel not indicate how important it is that victims speak up when they can, and as often as they can? Somehow, we have to get our families, our teachers, our neighbours, our communities to acknowledge incest might be happening right in the homes of those with whom we're sharing beer over the barby or chatting with at swim club. 

Incestuous abusers are so often pillars of the community, high profile people, the nicest guy or gal in the neighbourhood. No wonder we go into shock when we read some guy shot his sweet mother to death or some gal took a knife to her dear old grand-dad in the house down the street. We don't want to consider that maybe, just maybe that guy or gal had a really good reason to do so ... that they simply lost it after years of sexual abuse at the hands of someone they trusted. I see and feel the rage, the hurt, the anger that comes out of the victim/survivors in my private Facebook group. They are mentally writhing in agony, even years after the abuse has stopped. They try to get on with their lives, pick up the pieces of what's left of them after their abuser is gone or finished with them, but the pieces are so scattered, buried so deeply in horrible flashbacks, they break down time and again. The sexual abuse may be long over but the mental, verbal, and spiritual abuse they have endured lives on in them, forever a part of their everyday activities and reactions to everyone else around them. There is no such thing as "just get over it" because "it" never goes away. 

But the eyes of those who hear that it happened to you or a friend glaze over. They shift uncomfortably, look anywhere but at you, you who deserve and need understanding and love above all else. Maybe their eyes glaze over because they too, or someone in their own families, have been victims of incest and they, together with their families, have covered it up and now you're threatening to tear down that wall of silence that has kept them and their dirty family secret protected all these years. And you know what I say to that? 

Tear down the walls! Shake them up! Get them talking about it. Take off the blinkers! Incest exists and it's real and it's happening all around us in numbers that are downright frightening. According to the article AT THIS LINK:

"One in three-to-four girls, and one in five-to-seven boys are sexually abused before they turn 18, an overwhelming incidence of which happens within the family. These statistics are well known among industry professionals, who are often quick to add, "and this is a notoriously underreported crime."

I call on all victims of incest to do what you can to change those statistics. You might say, "What can I do? I only know my own case and no-one in my family believes me or helps me." Well remember one thing: a single drop of rain will not fill a barrel but a downpour will not only fill it but cause it to overflow. Let's make ourselves heard. Blog, write, talk, do whatever it takes to open those glazed eyes to the truth. Together, we are strong. Let's not forever be what my poem states above:

"Faceless children with silent voices".

 SPEAK OUT FROM UNDER INCEST!

THE DOMINO EFFECT of #INCEST and #CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE

"My mom's first cousins were all abused by their father, and apparently the oldest daughter had sex with by him till into her 20s. She's so messed up now. Denies it all, can't talk about it, but is a mental mess. 

Her two sons (who were brought up in the home of their paedo grandfather) go with anyone - male, female, black, white, whatever age, just anyone they can get their hands on. The oldest is a suicidal alcoholic. 

Their mother and the two of them all still live together and have no money. They live in this ramshackle place and eek out a living. It breaks my heart that they can't break the cycle of shame and face the facts. 

And that eldest daughter's brother? He is an abuser too of young girls and his daughter VIGOROUSLY defends her father and lies to cover up for him. 

So sad."

Sad? It's more than sad. It's downright horrible, this domino effect that childhood sexual abuse and incest has on families, and not just immediately, but for generations!  It undermines and tears at the very concept of what a family is supposed to be: a place of comfort, support and above all, love for, and trust in every member of that family. How can children grow into a normal, functioning, productive human beings when memories of abuse by a parent colour all their perceptions, interactions, and relationships with other people,  and eventually their own children, for years to come. How can they ever be "normal"? How?!

And why does it happen? It happens because somewhere along the line an adult told his son or daughter that what daddy was doing was okay. He told them everyone was doing it. Or he warned them not to tell others and used threats of pain, beatings or even death to enforce that secrecy. Or he manipulated their young, impressionable and naive minds with clever words, telling them no-one would believe them anyway. Or he sucked them in so cleverly saying this was love and daddy loves you, and thereby molded that child into his unspeaking, obedient, frightened and insecure puppet who believed this love was better than no love. Because LOVE is what all children want and need above all else and they will do what is necessary, put up with whatever they have to, to get it. It's human nature.

When members of my group share information like what's in that opening quote, when personal friends, who are not victims, write to me and say, as one did this past week after seeing the planned cover for my book, NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER: 

"I went to your blog out of curiosity and got a severe, and lasting lesson in reality in human depravity. Apart from your own story, I found one of the stories there totally shocking. All stories of incest are all shocking, of course, but  'Nikki's Story' just broke my heart. Maybe it is typical of the horrendous experiences that some boys and girl are forced to go through. I don't know. I haven't really read any detailed incest stories because it is not a subject matter that attracts me for a read. Whatever the degree of the molestation that all victims have had to deal with in their young lives, 'Nikki's Story' must surely be one of most heart rending. I am amazed that children so young can somehow deal with what is happening to them."

then all the more I am encouraged in my resolve to finish my book, my true story of incest, written and published. We MUST talk about incest! We must refuse to stay silent any longer. Our own silence is aiding and abetting the abusers, many of whom, like the member above stated in that opening quote, go on to abuse others: the domino effect of incest and child sexual abuse. 

This domino effect can only be stopped or at least curtailed, by coming out from under incest and speaking out from under the child sexual abuse in families, and the earlier the better. And yet, as I say that, I'm reminded of another comment made by a member this past week who lamented

"Children are told to tell an adult, a teacher or the other parent if someone touches them in a way that makes them uncomfortable. But how can they do that when they no longer trust adults, or worse yet, when one of the parents is the abuser?"

How indeed!

As my friend who wrote to me said, and I agree with him 100%: 

" ...  this subject, your book, and the strong incestuous character that seems so prevalent in the human race, demands a high profile exposure. It is the last taboo subject, and it is now time for the stone of indifference to be turned over and the sordid truth about some human adults revealed for all to see. The human race will never evolve, or even mature, if this awful aspect of mankind is not addressed."

The only way I can see for us to overturn that stone of indifference is SPEAK UP ABOUT OUR OWN CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE!  And it's up to us, the victims, to do that. We are our own best resource for fighting this depravity. It is we, the victims, who have the best weapons: our voices! Speak out from under. Tell your stories. NOW!  

"1 in 4 Girls will be Sexually Abused by age 18. 1 in 6 Boys will be Sexually Abused by age 18. 90,000 cases are reported each year. 90% of the time the Child knows the perpetrator. 117 Victims will be Assaulted before the Child Molester is caught..."

"VICTIM'S VOICES ARE THE BEST WEAPONS AGAINST CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE"

©Viga Boland 2013, NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER

THE INFINITE CURSE OF #INCEST and #CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE

While my husband and I were discussing titles for my upcoming book about incest the other  day, I shared with him some of the heartaches I hear coming from members of my private Facebook Group, SPEAK OUT FROM UNDER CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE IN FAMILIES. 

Honestly, it is sometimes so painful to hear what victims of incest have suffered at the hands of fathers, brothers, mothers, uncles and others. What's even more painful is hearing how hard it is for them to now speak up, to name their abusers, primarily for fear of what friends, family and even loved ones say when they listen to their stories. They get everything from "I'm so sorry for you but you must move on and just forget about it" to "Don't! Don't dare disgrace our family by talking about this!" or even "I don't believe you. You're making it all up. Why would your father or brother do that! How could you let it happen?"

And so, victims of childhood sexual abuse are re-victimized over and over again by their friends and loved ones who care more about keeping everything hidden and quiet than about the victim or about  exposing someone who most likely has gone on to abuse others, or in some cases, is so high profile, no-one dares say anything for fear of reprisal. How fair is that? Worse yet, how can such victims heal when, even if they share their stories, they can't name their abusers? They know by not doing so, they are, as it were, assisting a criminal in continuing to hurt others. Their burden of guilt and shame for their past and now their present silence is doubled. Healing cannot ever really take place under such constraints.

So while I write and edit my book in the hopes it will help to encourage others to come and speak out from under childhood sexual abuse and incest, I realize how much easier it must seem for me to do this NOW. My abuser is long dead. So is his wife, my mom. I have no sisters or brothers or other living relatives on my side who can make me keep my mouth shut. There is, of course, my husband and my children, and my husband's extended family which is large. They could be uncomfortable by my revelation, but again, I'm lucky: they have encouraged me to do this and the extended family doesn't even live in the same country as we do. So one could say, "sure, it's easy for YOU to do now."

Well you know what? Not really. It's not easy at all because there's nothing easy about your friends and your children's friends knowing that you had sex with your father, your children's grandfather!  Even more, how do you explain that this wasn't a one-time thing? Rape is horrid, but it's usually a one-time thing and no-one can or should blame the victim. But incest that goes on for years and years? That's repeated rape but what's an outsider to think? Most will say, if it was that bad, how could you let him rape you year in and year out? Even my husband, who I know loves and believes me when I say this was not my idea or desire, said to me when we had that chat:

"Yes, how do you explain incest that goes for years, or, as in your case, incest that started when you were almost 12?"

When he said that, I couldn't help but wonder if there was doubt of my innocence even in his mind? Though he's never said it, I'm sure he's puzzled as to why I let it go on for so long, why I didn't up and run away, why I didn't turn my father in, etc etc. And those are very understandable questions to which, sadly, there are no easy or quick answers but which I hope will come clear in my book. Yes, it does look like somehow I might have condoned it, even possibly liked it to have let it go on for 12 years, and, yes, after all, I was old enough to understand what he was doing and how wrong it was when he began. No, I wasn't an infant, or even a 5 or 7-year-old who couldn't have invited the sexual abuse. I was nearly a woman myself! So then, now, I too must prepare myself for the non-believers, those who will accuse me of being as guilty as my father was, of enjoying it, of aiding and abetting him in his crime against me.

Perhaps I will live to regret that I told my story, but I'm willing to take that risk because my story must be told: only by doing so, can the non-believers, the accusers come just a little closer to understanding how something like this could go on for years, and how, I was, and still am, blameless.

To do that, my story must begin, as it does, at the beginning, with my childhood, so one can see and sense the growing fear a child develops of a controlling father who can cleverly manipulate your thoughts with his words and actions, a fear so strong that in the end you do whatever you are told to do for fear of your sanity and your life. That is the curse of incest and child sexual abuse, regardless of when it starts.

And that curse never fully goes away.