Thursday, October 25, 2012

FORGIVE & YOU CAN BEGIN TO HEAL #incest #child sexual abuse #abuse

This morning I came across a profound statement by P.J. McClure, founder of the MINDSET MAVEN.  McClure mentors executives and business owners on how to live their lives fully while building success. I found Mr. McClure via a Ronae Jull, who writes incredibly helpful articles for people like you and me who are survivors of one kind of abuse or another. Her blog posts can be found under HOPE COACHING.

Now you may well ask what does someone who mentors business men have to offer me, a victim trying to get on my feet again after being abused. Well here's what P.J. McClure wrote:

"Abuse can bring two, very real, psychological tyrants into the victim’s life. Resentment and /or guilt. Both of these serve to restrict and damage our personal movement. No matter how many years have come and gone, the lingering effects of this destructive duo hamper even the strongest person."

Whoa! How true is that? And there's more: 

"Both guilt and resentment have a unique characteristic. They do absolutely NOTHING to the abuser. No matter how much we make ourselves ill with guilt, anger, or depression… it does not exact any measure of justice, revenge, or peace. All it does is make us tired.
We have to break the bondage of abuse and put it to rest for good."
I just bet you can relate to that statement about how it does absolutely nothing to the abuser. How many times have you wished, cried, prayed that your abusers would suddenly see how horrible they have been to you, would realize the harm they've caused, would apologize and set you free from the shame, blame and guilt you were carrying as a result of their actions? I did. I kept hoping my father would somehow wake up and once again become the loving father I should have had and deserved to have. But he never did! He never said he was sorry. He never saw anything wrong with what he was doing. Or if he did, his own needs superseded mine. He found every which way to justify his actions. So expecting him to relent and repent was wishful, useless dreaming on my part. I bet you found the same with your abuser?
But what of the other statement McClure makes that we have to "break the bondage of abuse and put it to rest for good?" The big question, if we want and need to end our suffering, (and who doesn't?) is just how do we do that? How do we stop ourselves from being enslaved by our past, remaining victims of abuse forever, long after the abuse has ended?
I've heard many say that to free themselves, they had to accept first that they themselves were not guilty of any wrong-doing. They had to stop blaming themselves. They had to FORGIVE themselves. This is so true and tantamount to healing and coming out from under at last. But is it enough to fully heal? McClure suggests it's not, and I agree with him. He says you have to FORGIVE the abuser! What, you ask? How can I forgive him/her? Maybe right now you're screaming aloud or silently: "I'll never forgive them for what they did to me!" 
While that's understandable, it most likely means then, that you can never fully heal either. As McClure says:
"First, forgiveness is an inside job. A common misconception is that the offender has to accept your forgiveness. It is possible that the offender doesn’t even realize they have done anything wrong. We cannot accept something we do not see the need for.
All that is required to set you free is offering the forgiveness. By doing so, you release yourself from carrying the pain. Forgiving is not saying what was done is okay or justified. Forgiveness simply means that we aren’t going to carry the burden anymore."

That is profound. I don't even think I'd ever realized until I read his words, that somewhere along the line I had indeed done that, and by doing so, I'd forgiven both myself and my father. After that, it was so much easier to move on, and now, to open up as I have about all of it. 
That leaves only one thing to be addressed: How do we do it? How do we forgive the abuser? McClure says we do it like this:
Finally, forgiveness can be as simple as saying the words, “I forgive you,” or could take time to peel away the layers of pain. Ultimately, our willingness to let the issues go determines how quickly we heal.
Sounds so simple doesn't it. But that's what must be done if you are to heal fully. And you know what? You CAN do it. You can do anything you want, anything you put your mind to. You ARE what you think you are. The adage is true: If you believe, you can achieve. 
Forgive yourselves and forgive your abusers. No, you may never forget, but  you can forgive. And when you forgive, bit by bit you also begin to forget. The memories start fading; the flashbacks decrease; the pain becomes less and you come out from under and land on top. You take back control of your life. You become the one with power. 
Though I'm not a praying person, I'll join McClure in his prayer for you:
"My prayer for all who are in either role, find forgiveness and honor yourself as the gift you are. Shed the burden and allow yourself to be your best."


  1. Wow Viga, I so want to be able to forgive him, and hopefully I will be able to soon. Just can't seem to get those 3 words out yet, but I will be working on it. I want to be healed from all this and I know I am getting there. Thank you for this article and your words, I am glad I read it. ♥

    1. So glad I drew your attention to it. Please read it again and start saying those 3 little words to him every single day. Try it for a week. Then 2. But keep doing it. Your subconscious is your ally. You fed it all the negatives. What you tell it, it holds onto. So now, tell it this every day: "I forgive you".