Monday, December 10, 2012

THAT'S WHAT STEPFATHERS DO! #incest #child sexual abuse

I have to write this! And forgive me for ranting. But I'm damn angry this morning. I did my usual quick perusal of Facebook posts and came across another poor young woman pouring out her heart about the sexual abuse she and her sister suffered for years at the hands of her step-father. My blood boiled as I read her pain. But what really took me over the top was her mother's reaction when the two girls finally told mommy. Mommy's response?

"That's what stepfathers do."

'Scuse me? That's what stepfathers do? What kind of heartless response is that from a mother to her daughters? That's what stepfathers do.

So it's okay then for you mom to find a new partner, bring him into your home and let him molest your daughters? You give him permission for this because that's what stepfathers do? If he, like many other men, decided to cheat on you with another woman, would you also stand by and say "well that's what men do?" What kind of woman are you? Are you that insecure, that needy of a man like this in your life that you let him screw your daughters and pass it off as "that's what stepfathers do?" Argggh. Pardon me while I vomit!

I'm reading this too often! Patricia A. McKnight was molested for years by her stepfather. Lisa James suffered at the hands of her stepfather. Book after book, story after story ... that's what stepfathers do.

As an incest survivor of sexual abuse by my own biological father, I still cannot fathom why a father would do that to his own flesh and blood. But these stepfathers ... and the women who choose them to step into a father's shoes? I'm still trying to wrap my head around both of these perpetrators. Yes, I hold the mother to blame too. In all crime, accessories to the crime can be charged. Incest is a crime and these mothers are accessories to the crime. They know it's going on and let it happen because "that's what stepfathers do"!

My eldest daughter, a single mom to a 10-year-old, is looking around for a good man. She wants someone like her own dad, a man who would never touch either of his beautiful girls. A gentle man who has all the normal male urges but would vomit at the thought of touching his own daughters or some other woman's daughters were he put in a stepfather's role. Are there any other men like him around? As I read, I become more and more fearful of my daughter finding and falling in love with someone like these molesting stepfathers. What of my grand-daughter if mommy were to have the bad luck of hooking up with one of these perps? Of course, I know she and her daughter are so close that if someone were to touch the child and she told mommy, mommy would gouge his eyes out! Well maybe not quite but you know what I mean. She wouldn't blithely stand by and say "that's what stepfathers do!"

And those mothers who do say that, and worse yet, as in the case of the girl who wrote that post this morning, how can they stay with the creep even after the children have been mercifully removed from the incestuous situation? Do they love the jerk that much or are they that dependent on him, that afraid to be alone, that they stay with him knowing what he did? I don't understand and I never will. I couldn't stand having a man like that in my house, let alone my bed. How do they stand having his hands on their bodies, his penis inside them, knowing that just a few hours earlier or last night they were doing the same to their daughter or daughters? Women, have you no pride? No self-respect? Are you that bloody desperate!

Sorry if I swear but yes, I''m mad. Damn mad! I'm mad at the men who do this and even madder at the women who let them when they know it's going on. And for those women who would care, and who are looking for a mate, bear this fact in mind:

"Incest is more common and more severe in step-parent families. In a comparison of 59 incestuous stepfathers, 70 incestuous biological fathers and 158 offenders against unrelated children .." while their psychological characteristics were similar, "their life histories and marital histories differed significantly. Stepfathers were significantly more likely to have prior convictions for sexual offences, to have been sexually abused themselves as a child, and to have juvenile records."

Stepfathers were also more likely to have histories of previous marital failures. This information comes from a clinical study recorded HERE. If you have the time and care, you might want to read the full study. It's eye-opening.

And I think it should be read by all single moms with children who are looking for a stepfather for those children. Maybe that guy on Plenty of Fish or some other dating site who looks great, sounds like Mr. Wonderful and can sweet-talk his way around all your concerns will one day sweet-talk or force that little girl or boy of yours into letting him sexually abuse him or her. Be wary. Be very wary.  If he's attracted to you and your little girl looks like a young you as she blossoms into womanhood, she could look real good to him ... 'cause "that's what (some!) stepfathers do!


  1. Amen sista! Couldn't have said it any better. Because of my abuse, I was very conscious of the relationship my 2nd husband had with my daughter. She was 4 yrs old when her step-father came into OUR lives. We are very lucky and he has been a tremendous blessing to both of us. I cannot imagine having a pedophile in my bed while he was also abusing my daughter. Believe you me, he would not have made it out alive.

    1. Glad you see it as I do. And I'm so glad that your child's stepfather isn't one of those above. I know all men aren't like these but sometimes ... !! It just tells me mothers can't be too vigilant when it comes to their children. My own mom never knew ... or at least I don't think she did. She seemed as shocked as anyone when she finally heard the truth from my side. But many years before, after I left, I think it came out between my mom and dad. Thing is, he put the blame on me and said I asked for it. So as a child, and I woman, I felt doubly betrayed and violated. Alway trying to prove he was a real man. A real man, or should I say Father, wouldn't blame a child for his sins!

  2. This makes me ill also, how could a mother say those words, and let him come into her life, and abuse those poor girls? How? I just don't understand, and yes she is just as guilty. Step-fathers, fathers, none should touch a child. My father was my adopted father, and my mother never knew, I never told. They were suppose to love me, they told me I was "special" because they chose me. I now know why I was "special" using me for his own gratifications, my mother using me as her verbal physical punching bag, even at the age of 6 months, just after she adopted me. This just makes my blood boil. "That's what step-dads do" Those words haunt me, and hurt.

    1. Exactly Mary! That's how it hit me this morning. I was so appalled by those words "that's what stepfathers do!" How dare she! To me, she's as guilty as he is. A mother who takes that stance rapes her child right alongside the stepfather or father. He rapes sexually, physically. She rapes mentally and spiritually. What does the child have left at the hands of these perpetrators of evil abuse. Arrrggh. So disgusted. I haven't been able to shake my anger all day.

      Thanks for posting Mary.

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