Friday, August 30, 2013


In the video above, 
meet the writer behind this blog, and the author of a true story of incest, 

This morning, one of the members of my private Facebook group, SPEAK OUT FROM UNDER CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE IN FAMILIES, told us:

"I can't stop crying its getting too much for me. Why!"

She sounded distraught. We rushed in to console and support her and probe what was causing the endless tears. She stated something that I think every victim of childhood sexual abuse says, not once, but many, many times: 

"Why, why did it have to be me?  What did I ever do wrong?"

Why did it have to be her? What did she ever do wrong? Why did it have to be YOU, who are reading this, or ME, who is writing it? What did you, or I, or that member ever do wrong to bring unwanted sexual abuse of our bodies? That was like the final question I asked my father in my book, NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER:

"Why? Why couldn't you have just been my dad!"

The thing is, when did I ask him that? I asked him that question in the year, 2000, over thirty years after the abuse had ended and he lay dead on his bed, no longer able to hurt me or my mother or anyone else. Brave, wasn't I! Such a brave person that it still took me until a few years ago to finally tell my husband and children the truth about my past (learn more in the video above). So brave that I got up the  courage to write a book about it all and tell the world about what my father put me through ... over 40 years after it all happened!

You know, that's one hell of a long time to keep a secret that eats at you day and night, that keeps you crying on the inside if not on the outside. WHY? Now I ask WHY? WHY do we keep quiet? Why don't we tell? That member, and almost every other member of my group gives the same reason:

"I am so scared of talking about what happened. I spoke about it 10 years ago however I felt so alone and felt like I'm hurting my family so I stopped talking about it.  For 11 years I have been pretending everything is fine but deep down, I hurt so much!"

We don't talk about it because we're so afraid of hurting our families. So we hurt ourselves instead, not just for a day or a month but for years and years. We protect the family, their sensitivities, their honour, their reputation. And then friends and family all look at us and wonder why we cry a lot, are distant, maybe even bitchy, or act up or act out, or become hopeless alcoholics, or addicted to drugs or prescription pills ... need I go on? Mothers brush it off and laughingly tell their friends, "Aw, it's just that time of month" or "she's just a bit crazy sometimes".  They wouldn't dare tell their friends "her father has sex with her instead of with me!" Now, how would that look? So, childhood victims of sexual abuse bottle it up, keep quiet, protect the family, suffer in silence and everyone's happy, right? WRONG! So damn wrong! 

I went out on a limb recently when 2 sisters were fined $125, 000 for defamation of character. They had alleged their uncle had sexually abused them at 4 - 6 years of age. Their story couldn't be proved but the judge felt he had proof they had set out to deliberately malign the uncle's reputation. I was quoted in a news article by CBC Hamilton saying I felt the ruling in this case would deter victims of sexual abuse from telling their stories. I was also shocked by the judge's statement that, had this been a case of child sexual abuse, and had it been awarded in favour of victims of abuse, they would have each been granted $35, 000. It was incomprehensible to me that child sex abuse was deemed so much less important than defamation of character. I wasn't questioning the outcome of the case! I didn't even know it wasn't a child sex abuse case but a defamation case.  I was just disturbed that child sexual abuse is still, simply, not a big deal. Tell that to the thousands of abuse victims out there who, like that member above, can't stop crying, who won't tell so she can protect her family or hushes everything up simply because, as I was, she or he is scared ... scared of the abuser, maybe even scared for her or his life.

Many comments have been left on that CBC article. Most of them shoot me down. Most of them are by men who intimate they wouldn't want their reputations sullied by some hysterical female alleging abuse, allegations which are most likely, false in their considered and informed opinions. You can read what they had to say on that CBC site
Then there's the guy on DIGITAL JOURNAL (where I'd written an article about this case, prior to the CBC article) who made this comment on my article:

"I have now read the full judgment in this case, and wondered if anyone else who has read this article has, including the author, who has clearly used it as a shameless plug for her book which contains allegations of a sexual nature against her father. She makes no mention here of his being convicted of any offence, presumably she would have had this been the case, so would I be right in assuming he is now dead and can't defend himself?"

How very astute of him. Yes, I had seized an opportunity to inform people about my book which I feel is an important book for victims and non-victims and I'd love to see millions of people read it. 
But to then question the veracity of what I have disclosed, with such complete honesty in my book, NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER as he has done, well that's like kicking a dog after it finally got back up on its feet. Thanks for nothing pal! You just re-affirmed why for years, we keep

"pretending everything is fine but deep down"  we "hurt so much!"


  1. My heart hurts as I read this, so many chidren, now adults hurting but unable to heal. The question why haunts so many, those who have been abused as well as others. I think you are right about why so many stay silent for so long, sometimes forever. Unfortunately there will always be those that seek to minimise or dismiss even the possibility that CSA occured within their family/friends/society. Thank you for the strength and courage that you have shown,in taking the step to tell your family, then going further to create support groups - come out from under child abuse - and then to write your book. Thanks for the support you give so many. <3

    1. Thanks so much for taking the time to read this blog post Bec and to write your comments. The more I study incest and child sexual abuse, listen to what victims have to say about the denial and rejection they confront in their families and everywhere else, the more hopeless it seems that things can ever change or improve. But that must not stop us from speaking out from under, blogging, writing, and standing up for our rights which have been taken from us for no good reason other than someone’s lust.

  2. There are a lot of people who want us to just shut up and go away so they can keep their rose-colored view of the world. Too bad, we aren't going away. As survivors we are very capable of doing the necessary work of healing. Part of that healing is first breaking the silence of abuse. This judge, with his ruling, made that harder for some survivors. Thank you, Viga, for speaking up & for both articles and your book.

    1. And thank you Patricia for all the support you give me and all the other victims like you and me who are trying to get a message out there: that child sexual abuse is NOT acceptable and it's time to get heads out of the sand and face the ugly truths happening in homes everywhere.

  3. Thank you for this post. I am a 31-year-old woman and my mother was molested by her father growing up. She never told her mother or siblings about the abuse, but carried it as a dark secret. My mother passed away 14 years ago and just a couple weeks ago her father passed away as well. I couldn't stand to go to the funeral. It was such a charade when he would visit our family, everyone acted like nothing was wrong but my mother told us kids and her husband. I feel awful that this happened to her and I try to relate to why she kept it a secret. I feel so much compassion for anyone who experienced childhood sex abuse. You know when people say, "Be kind; everyone is fighting a hard battle."? Yeah, it's true and there are many people, not just my mother, in that boat. Thank you for sharing your story.