#MeToo brings changes to #VIGALAND Blog

Hard to believe it's been two years since my last post appeared on this #Vigaland blog. I became busy with writing books, mentoring others who wanted to write their memoirs (see my author's page at Amazon for all my books, including my latest and last on how to write your memoir, titled "Don't Write Your MEmoir without ME!")

After too many hours of staring at screens, I decided it was time for a change and just recently deleted my several websites, including my personal site. But I am keeping this blog for all those who have endured sexual abuse in their lives and careers as I know there are just too many of us. The furor that erupted and opened a can of worms with the Harvey Weinstein affair and all those celebrities coming forward, along with the #MeToo movement, reminded me that this blog was important and needed to be kept alive.

Until now, it had been aimed only at victims of incest, but now #Vigaland is evolving into a much more general site on sexual abuse in all its forms. I sincerely hope you will continue to follow this blog and share the URL with others as I have lots to share with you that was previously only posted on my personal website, now deleted.

Future posts on here will include a series of true stories by others who found the courage to share their #MeToo heartaches with me and which I published and podcast early in 2018. I know you will find these interesting and I am hopeful some of you will leave comments or even share your stories with me on this blog.

I also intend to bring you my reviews of MEMOIRS of ABUSE that I've read & reviewed over the past 5 years. If you like to read books by others who have shared similar experiences to yours, I think you'll want this information.

So, that's where I'm at right now. Stay tuned and keep following. Lots to come over 2018. Thanks for staying with me.

Best

Viga Boland, author of NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER, a true memoir of incest.

YOU DON'T "JUST GET OVER" CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE BY A PARENT

​YOU DON'T JUST GET OVER #CHILDHOOD #SEXUAL #ABUSE BY A PARENT (#INCEST)

I haven't touched this blog in months. 

After writing 3 memoirs about the incestuous situation I lived with for 14 years, I thought I was finished, healed. Then this morning, the nightmare.

7:38 am! My eyes fluttered open. My heart was pounding and my mouth was dry. Where is he? He was just here in this room. I was screaming at him. How could he think I wasn't angry at him all those years he was molesting me? What an asinine question he'd just asked me! He'd asked if I was so angry at him, why hadn't I told him? 

But he didn't ask. Not ever. Nor did he ever say he was sorry. I'd just woken from a dream. No, it was a waking nightmare, just like the one I'd lived with every day between the years of 11 - 24. My father never asked over all those years of sexual abuse if I was angry at him. What I felt or thought never mattered. I didn't matter. 

My waking nightmare today really disturbed me. Where had it sprung from? Why now, nearly 50 years after the abuse ended, and after I poured all of it onto the pages of 3 memoirs?

It sprung up because you don't "just get over childhood sexual abuse" by a parent. Call it what is is: INCEST. Horrible, ugly word. 

Doesn't sound quite as ugly when you call it CSA, does it. But it's just as bad for any child sexually abused by someone else, be the abuser an adult or even another older child. i know this for a fact: I've met and spoken with too many adults who are only just now finding explanations for their own sometimes crazy, even dangerous behaviour while they were growing up. They are only just realizing why they suddenly 'lose it' over nothing. 

See, it doesn't matter how old you are. I'm 70 now and I still see and hear him regularly. He visits me, almost daily, just like he used to nearly 50 years ago. He still haunts me, hurts me and enrages me. I want to kill him, just as I wanted to then. But I couldn't do it then and it looks like I still can't do it now.

Writing 3 memoirs helped a lot. I got it off my chest. I no longer feel ashamed. I've gotten on with my life and had a very good and fulfilling one. 

But am I truly healed? 

©Viga Boland, author

NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER: this original ugly true story

LEARNING TO LOVE MYSELF: the continuation into recovery and self-discovery

VOICE FROM AN URN: my mother's side of my story from her point of view

YOU DON'T KNOW HOW IT FEELS UNTIL IT HAPPENS TO YOU

"You don't know how it feels till it happens to you" belted Lady Gaga at the 88th Academy Awards as a throng of sexual assault victim/survivors joined her onstage. When she was done, the cameras panned over the faces of Hollywood celebrities and caught the tears brimming in their eyes.

 As I listened and watched, I asked myself "Will this do it?" Can Lady Gaga reach the millions with the message that I, a non-celebrity, a child victim of incest, who kept quiet about what happened to me for nearly 45 years shared in my book "No Tears for my Father"? Someone, somewhere must get the message across that non-consensual sex is rape! 

Before Lady Gaga sang, Joe Biden took the stage to urge us all to pledge our support for the countless numbers of victims of rape on College campuses. We could do this by visiting the website at IT'S ON US where we pledge to do the following: 

1. To recognize that non-consensual sex is sexual assault

2. To identify situations in which sexual assault may occur

3. To intervene in situations where sexual consent has not or cannot be given

4. To create an environment in which sexual assault is unacceptable and survivors are supported. 

The pledge is a wonderful idea, a step in the right direction for students on college campuses. But is there any hope it might raise awareness of those other victims of sexual abuse, the children, the ones being abused in their own homes. 

There is no question: all rape is horrid for victims of any age. But is there any rape that compares to that of a child by a member of their own family in their own homes? I think not. Taking each point of the pledge above into consideration in relation to child sexual abuse by family members, I ask you:

1. Will that father, grandfather, stepfather, brother or other family member who rapes a daughter, grand-daughter, step-daughter, sister, son or brother not once, but repeatedly, day after day, for years in their own homes accept, or even care that the child didn't consent? My father certainly didn't. 

2. Will the general public ever recognize, admit to the reality that sexual abuse, namely incest, is happening in our homes, maybe right next door. Will the neighbours, teachers, clergy "identify a situation in which sexual assault may occur"? Does anyone want to admit, identify that home can be the ideal situation for sexual assault to occur? We victims know better. 

3. Will people "intervene in home situations where sexual consent has not or cannot be given". Will even the mother whose child has just told her that Daddy is doing something bad to her believe her child? Will she intervene or even have the courage to ask her husband or father (the grandfather) about what her child has claimed? Ask the victims of incest what response they got from mothers, grandmothers, aunts, sisters and other relatives when they dared to speak up. Many of those victims were told to never mention it again! And they didn't.  As a result, the family itself allowed the non-consensual sex to continue. 

4. Is it even possible to "create an environment in the home in which sexual assault is unacceptable and survivors are supported?" Incest exists in so many cultures. It continues through generations because incest is a family affair: what happens in the family, stays in the family. 

How wonderful it would be if all it took was someone like me sharing my true story of incest and getting folks to sign a pledge to bring about change. But I'm not famous. I'm not Lady Gaga or Joe Biden. I can't reach millions with one song. I reach small groups of people here and there, and sure, it all helps raise awareness. But for every one who buys my book, "No Tears for my Father" and reads it, 2-3 times as many tell me there's no way they could read that: the details, the horror, the ugliness is too much to handle. Tell me about it! It's easier not to know than to know. And even if you do read the book, as Gaga sings, "You don't know how it feels till it happens to you." What you hope is it never will happen to you or your son or daughter. 

It's On Us is a wonderful and necessary project and is a great beginning. But it will take a lot more than Lady Gaga singing her song and letting us know she too has been a victim of rape to help the children being raped, not on college campuses but in their own homes by those they should be able to trust most: their immediate family members. These children are doubly raped: by the abuser and by the family that denies the abuse. As Joe Biden said at the Oscars: "We must and we can change the culture so that no abused woman or man like the survivors that you see tonight will have to ask themselves, 'What did I do?' They did nothing wrong."

That is exactly the message in my books, except my focus is the children. While I can never reach the millions that Lady Gaga and Joe Biden did, by sharing this blog post you can help me reach a few more than I have already. Every little bit helps. Thanks for reading and sharing. Your comments are welcomed. 

Viga Boland is a speaker and the author of a Trilogy based on a true story of incest:

No Tears for my Father

Learning to Love Myself

Voice from an Urn

I am ashamed that this woman never held her father accountable for his actions. Her weakness is unbelievable.

"I am ashamed that this woman never held her father accountable for his actions. Her weakness is unbelievable."

So wrote a "reviewer" of my book, "No Tears for my Father" Based on that 2-line review, she gave the book a 2-star rating. If I were this "reviewer", I would be ashamed of being listed as a "reviewer". This is not how one reviews or ranks a book.

But far more important than that aspect is this one: I would be ashamed of being so judgemental. Has this person suffered childhood sexual abuse herself? Was her abuser her father? If not, how can she possibly understand the fear of a child who has been raised with physical, mental and sexual abuse? How can she understand the conflict between being abused all of her young life by a parent. Not a stranger. But a parent. Not a neighbour. A member of the family. How can she understand the long-reaching ramifications of bringing such ugliness into the extended family's life? Of the fear of not getting the justice she seeks, a justice so often denied victims in the courts? Of the fear of the abuser coming back to abuse more and even worse if the attempt to hold him accountable fails and the story has been aired far and wide.

Why did those women allegedly abused by Billy Cosby or those boys victimized by Sir Edward Heath so many years ago wait till now to speak up? Why do so many victims remain silent for so long, sometimes dying with their secret untold? Are we ALL weak? Is the reviewer above ashamed for all of us then? Oh wait. No, she's just ashamed of me because these victims have all spoken up NOW,  while these public figures are alive and can be investigated and possibly made to account for their actions? My abuser is dead. No accountability there. I let him get away with it.

Perhaps. But again, there's one huge difference between all of them and me, and all the other victims of incest who choose to remain silent: the Cosby and Heath victims weren't molested or raped daily by their own fathers. Guess what Miss or Mrs Reviewer: there is a difference here!

Regardless of what a parent does to a child, or even what a child does to a parent, there is that bond, a loyalty, or whatever you want to call it, that holds children back from ratting on a parent, just as so many parents can't hate a child who turns into a murderer. We all know what happened is wrong, but something holds us back. There is also that bond between mother and child that keeps that child from telling mommy about the bad that daddy is doing, especially when daddy has brainwashed you to believe no-one will believe you anyway. I've heard from hundreds of victims whose families have cast them out for telling lies about their father. No wonder victims choose to stay silent.

Just like I did. I elected to put up with the abuse, to die with it if necessary, rather than tell on daddy or hurt mommy. And that makes me "weak" as far as this "reviewer" is concerned.

I also elected to keep it all secret from my new family: my husband and my children, as I couldn't see how telling what happened while my father was still alive could possibly benefit me or my family. Instead, it could have torn us apart. My husband might have killed my father on learning the truth. Would he then deserve to go to jail for killing my abuser? And what of my children and their grandmother had they learned the truth while my father was still alive? How could blowing this all open while my father was alive benefit those I loved more than myself? Their happiness mattered more to me than me. Yep. I'm weak...if that's how one defines weakness.

I chose to tell my story when I was ready and when my family were ready for me to share it. I shared it to help others who needed to know they are not alone. I spoke up for the voiceless who may take as many years, or even more to speak up for themselves or to hold their abusers accountable.

And I stand up for all the other "weak" victims of incest like me.  In your "weakness", in your silence, in your willingness to suffer so others may be happy, you are incredibly strong. I am proud, not ashamed, to stand with you.

©Viga Boland
Author of "No Tears for my Father", a memoir of incest.
Author of "Learning to Love Myself", a memoir of recovery after incest.
Editor of Memoirabilia, a magazine for memoir writers.

BLAME THE #ABUSER...NOT THE VICTIM of INCEST

Today, I received a cheque payment for my book, "No Tears for my Father". It was accompanied by what was, for me, a heart-breaking note, so heart-breaking in fact, that I felt compelled, after a long silence, to write this blog post.

The purchaser was a woman who found out her husband of many years had been having an ongoing sexual relationship with his daughter from a previous marriage. This lady's world fell apart on learning this ugly truth, and who can blame her? She is now desperately trying to heal and get over this ugliness that she says has just about destroyed her 14-year marriage. Somehow, she feels my book will help. I find myself wondering how it can.

You see, she is furious and angry with the daughter and has banished her from their home. By doing so, it's obvious she blames the daughter for what happened between her and her father when the daughter was an adolescent. The sexual abuse started when the girl was 11 and continued into adulthood, just as mine did.

But here's the thing: it was the daughter who told her about it. Why? Why did she tell her? Did she do it because she wanted to hurt her father's wife? According to this lady, the daughter told her because, yes, she wanted to destroy the marriage. This may be so, and if it is, how horribly sad that this daughter is "in love", as it were, with her father and is now resentful of his wife.

A while back, I talked with a hairdresser who confessed to me that she had been in love with her father who began having sexual relations with her after the death of his wife. She hated herself for liking it, and when her father found a new woman and stopped the sex with his daughter, she tried suicide. When she told me about this, she was still single and unable to have a normal relationship with men, despite therapy. Her father had also passed away in the meantime. She was a broken shell of a woman who gravitated between loving and hating her father.

With her in mind, and now the daughter this lady has thrown out of the house and obviously blames for the entire sexual relationship, I ask the same question I answered for myself years ago: who really is to blame in such a situation? Did these daughters encourage their fathers? Did they ask their fathers to have sex with them when they were pre-pubescent teens? And even if they had, again, which I very much doubt, who is to blame? Who had complete control of the situation? Who should have refused to let such a situation occur and develop over the years to the extent it did that now these daughters were "in love" with their fathers? And if I hadn't been fortunate enough to find a man that I fell in love with, and through whom I found the courage to stand up to my father and get myself out of that loathsome situation, would I have ended up like them? If I believed in God, I'd be praying mighty hard right now for a "no" to that question. The thought disgusts and revolts me.

So now, back to the lady who hopes my book will help her heal. I hope it will but I believe it can only do so if she realizes that when I was that sexually abused teen, I despised what happened to me and fought it every day until I finally got away from my father. That is what she will read about in my book. She will read how my father manipulated and brainwashed me; how I was too fearful of him to fight him or tell on him; how he convinced me that no-one would believe me. And if this lady reads all that and gets it, she might, just might put the blame where it belongs: on the father and not the daughter. Perhaps she will re-think the reason the daughter told her about the incest: perhaps doing so was a plea for help. I'm willing to bet that behind the daughter's admission is yet another very mentally ill victim of incest in need of therapy.

No-one will ever convince me the child is to blame when an adult initiates sex with him/her. No-one! I hope when this lady has finished reading "No Tears for my Father", she will blame the right person: her husband.

"Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all" if we are to be happy

One of the saddest, most heartbreaking things about being a victim of child sexual abuse (#incest) is that most of us grow up hating ourselves. Despite every effort, sometimes for years, to find something  we like about ourselves, let alone love about ourselves, we continue to find fault with ourselves. Why? Most likely because our abusers' voices keep screaming at us, reminding us we are worthless, unloveable unless we do what they want us to do. So we did it, even though it felt wrong, bad, but each time we gave in to them, we hated what was happening and hated ourselves for succumbing, being too weak to stand up to them. Then, if no-one knew what was going on and we didn't have therapy as a child or even as young adults to turn our thinking around, we grew into adulthood, middle age and even old age, if not hating ourselves, then at least, not loving ourselves either. 
When that happens, so many of us wonder why we fall in love with the wrong person and get hurt time and again. The reason is simple: we don't value ourselves enough. We don't consider ourselves worthy of love. So we sell out to what seems like the best of the worst choices. 
But you know, we don't have to do that. We can stop that from being our pattern by turning off those voices in our heads and replacing them with kinder, loving voices, the ones long ago buried inside us when we were children. Except, sadly, for those abused as infants, most young children actually really like themselves - a lot! It's narcissistic and it's perfectly natural. As young children, we want what we want and feel we should have it. Of course, parents will ultimately teach us that we can't always have what we want and that it's not acceptable to be narcissistic and think of ourselves before all others. And that's quite okay because as we get older, we understand why what they are saying is right and necessary. But abuse victims haven't had time, in many cases, to follow that more natural route to good self-love. Their journey to healthy self-love has been rudely blocked. They are plunged into self-loathing instead of brought gently from narcissism to healthy self-love. 
So now, how do we get ourselves back on track? We must begin by drinking deeply and often from the cup of self-love. I'm not talking about being selfish or narcissistic. I'm saying if a challenge comes our way, if an opportunity to move forward in our careers or personal life presents itself, we have to tell ourselves "Yes, I can do this" instead of "No, I can't". Every "NO" is disbelief in ourselves. It deepens our insecurity, feeds our negativity about ourselves and moves us further from healthy self-love. And why is self-love so important? Because without loving ourselves, we can't fully love others. We need to deems ourselves worthy of their love. By taking on more and more chances to prove our worth to ourselves, the more we are saying "Yes, I can" and "Yes, I'm okay" and "Yes, I'm loveable". It's that profound truth that Whitney Houston sung to us that "learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all". And that love is vital to happiness. 
That's what I did for the 40 plus years after I finally got away from my abuser, my father. Every time I heard his voice telling me I couldn't do this or have that, I replaced his voice with my own child's voice that said "yes, I can do this and yes, I can have that." And I added one more thing: "And you're not going to stop me!" I became a bit narcissistic again I suppose. But I needed to go there first before I could finally love myself as I had the right to love myself all along. 
I hope you'll watch my video above. It's based on the journey to self-love that I recounted in my second memoir "Learning to Love Myself". Everyone praised me for speaking out from under incest in my first book, "No Tears for my Father" but this second book is just as important, maybe even more so because of the hope it offers victims that we can have a better tomorrow. On this Valentine's Day, 2015, I wish you love. 
SPECIAL OFFER: Visit my website store at http://www.vigaboland.com/store and order your copy, printed or digital format of "LEARNING TO LOVE MYSELF" before February 17, 2015 and save 20% on your purchase when you type "tearsofjoy" into the coupon box on checkout. (no quotation marks!)

IS IT POSSIBLE TO LOVE and HATE YOUR SEXUALLY ABUSIVE FATHER?

Something was said today in one of my Facebook groups that got me really thinking about this question. We were discussing how some victims of incest, or any childhood sexual abuse. do manage to "get over it" enough to move onto productive, fulfilling lives and others never "get over it" at all. They live out their lives, if you can call it "living", in non-stop agony, self-recriminations, and self-hatred.

The topic had come up in relation to the slower-than-hoped-for sales of my second book, "Learning to Love Myself".  I thought victim/survivors would embrace a book that shows a positive outcome after sexual abuse. My first book, "No Tears for my Father" literally flew off the shelves, but this second book, which is actually a much pleasanter read about rebirth and recovery is being passed by. Don't victims want to heal? Don't victims want to believe a happy life is possible after all? Is all they were looking for in that first book was reassurance they weren't alone or validation for their feelings?

This got me thinking about my own father. Why was my memoir of incest titled "No Tears for my Father". Was the word "father" in the title accurate? I hated the man who abused me. He had no right! But he was my father. And because he was my father, despite what he did to me, I couldn't 100% hate him. 

This is one of the greatest ironies and agonies of incest between father/daughter or as it does happen, mother/son. There is that bond, the loyalty to the family, that transcends all the horrid aspects of sexual abuse by a parent. The victim, the child, loathes what is being done to him or her, can't understand it, wishes it would stop, but deep down, they still love the parent who once hugged them, loved them, cared for them, gave them life. Even in my own case, when my father wasn't doing the deed, he would talk with me, care about me, counsel me. At times, he seemed to show me more love than my mother did. In hindsight, looking at it now over the great distance of 46 years, I know that in my case, and I speak here only of my case, my father did love me. It was a bad love for me, but he genuinely loved, and was in love with me. Yes, it sounds yukky and it was wrong. But it's the only excuse or reason I can give for his behaviour. 

So, that brings me back to the title question: is it possible to love and hate your sexually abusive father? Yes, because we don't actually hate the person; we hate the situation, and we transfer the hatred of that situation onto the person. Perhaps that's why people stay in abusive relationships of all kinds: they still love the person; they hate the situation, and until they find the strength, as I ultimately did, to get out of that situation, they also hate themselves. And at the same time, we are so overwhelmed with guilt, not just over what happened to us, but guilt over both loving/hating that person, it makes it all that much harder to heal.

Learning to love ourselves after getting out of a situation like incest or child sexual abuse is probably the hardest part of recovery. It's harder than facing the flashbacks; harder than the horrid nightmares; harder than the feelings of shame and fear of telling others the ugly truth. But if we can find the courage, hopefully through therapy or the love of another person, to face all those things, we can finally reach the state I did in my book, "Learning to Love Myself". 

I hope those of you reading this post will one day decide it's time to read a book about the other side of child sexual abuse that relates the rebirth and self-discovery of the beautiful human beings we all are, children who once endured so much pain, but came out on top to love themselves and others again.

 CLICK THE "FULL SCREEN" LINK BELOW TO READ "LEARNING TO LOVE MYSELF" 

"EMERGING from BROKEN" to "LEARNING TO LOVE MYSELF" by being My Own Best Friend

Why have you visited this blog? What were you searching for when you came across the link to  "Coming out from under Incest"? Unless you're doing an investigation or research for a project or book, my guess is you came here for one reason only: you are a victim of incest or child sexual abuse and you are looking for answers and/or validation that you aren't the only one who has suffered this way, and above all, you are looking for help in getting over and past what happened to you perhaps 10, 20 even 50 years ago. Right?

Because that's what you want to find, I've decided today to share with you information from one of the best books I've ever come across to help people like you and me: It's "Emerging from Broken", by Darlene Ouimet, a fellow Canadian, a victim of child sexual abuse, and today a certified professional coach specializing in life transitions. She has a private practice and a massive following on her blog of the same name, "Emerging from Broken".

There are many excellent books on the market like, "The Courage to Heal", designed to help abuse victims heal themselves but Darlene's book is the one to which I could most relate. Why? Because everything she writes in it is true for me! It's based on her own journey of emerging from broken, but her truths are truths that apply to all of us who have been sexually abused as youngsters.

And what hit home to me most, early in the book, is what Darlene said about believing the lies that I had grown up with, the lies that had been drummed into my head and into my entire being about myself. Lies like I was the problem; I deserved the abuse; that everything that happened was my fault; that I was a bad daughter unless I did what my father told me to do; that what I was living with wasn't unusual, quite normal in fact; that I had asked for it; that I had brought this on myself ... on and on and on. All of this led to self-doubt, low self-esteem, always trying to live up to someone else's ideas of what I should be or how I should act. Because the real me and what I wanted was being rejected by someone else far more powerful than me, a parent, as I grew, I too rejected myself and was always trying to please others.

But what we have to recognize, in order to heal, according to Darlene, is that our "validation does not come from outside ourselves". It must come from within. And ultimately, to do that, we need to face the trauma of the past, no matter how much it hurts, sift through the lies we've been told about ourselves and see them for what they are: lies! And then, yes, we need to re-program our thinking and what we are telling ourselves daily about ourselves, so that we eventually learn to love ourselves. That idea, by the way, is the theme of my second, just released follow-up memoir, "Learning to Love Myself".

Purchase a signed, printed softcover copy or a kindle or ePub version of
 "LEARNING TO LOVE MYSELF" directly from the author, Viga Boland

"Loving myself has so much to do with being there for myself" says Darlene. That's exactly right! It's finally putting ourselves first, not last, not trying to please everyone else and never pleasing ourselves. It's about having faith in our own judgement and decisions. And of course, that's not easy with all the voices of the past telling us we're stupid, incapable, selfish or whatever garbage was drummed into our heads by parents who more than likely had their own unresolved issues! You see, every time we try to conform to those lies they told us, we are rejecting ourselves! That has to stop if we are to heal. As Darlene writes: 

"It was when I stopped fighting to prove that I was right and just believed that I was right, that the healing really began. It was when I saw the truth through the grid of love that I realized that love doesn’t harm. It was when I stopped trying to get the abusive people in my life and the people who supported them and their practices to HEAR me, and listened to myself instead, that my world began to look brighter."

God that makes so much sense, doesn't it?

Speaking of God, Darlene brings up something else in her book (which is actually a collection of the first 2 years of the posts on her blog) that also thundered through my brain and had me hollering "Yes, yes!" Darlene brought up an answer so often supplied by well-meaning people who believe it's God's will that we suffer because

"You've been put on this earth to help others who went through the same thing"

Really? Really? If that is so, then as Darlene points out you and I would have to believe that "there is some grand plan for my life that included me being mistreated, abused, invalidated and devalued." Just like her, I cannot and will not accept that explanation. It's like she says elsewhere in the book that it's so easy for believers to simply say if you want to heal, read the bible. Well, Darlene takes one of the most famous biblical teachings that is used not just in Christianity but many religions puts a perspective on it, when it comes to abuse victims, that made my head spin with its profound wisdom. It's too long to copy/paste here but you MUST read it. You can find it here on her website:

http://emergingfrombroken.com/love-is-patient-love-is-kind-a-bit-of-a-rant/

If you were raised Christian and believe in and live by the bible, brace yourself. You might not like how she interprets it in reference to herself and other abuse victims, but you cannot deny its logic. 

You came to this blog looking for answers, for help in healing. I am suggesting you will find it in Darlene Ouimet's book, EMERGING from BROKEN. You will find the answers to your suffering there and you will find what you need to start healing. 

But she will tell you as I do: in the end, it's up to you to do the work yourself. All Darlene and other victim/survivors like me who write blogs and books can do is share what we've learned from our own struggles to emerge from broken. I've told my story of child sexual abuse in my gold medal book,  NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER, and now, have also shared my story of self-discovery and recovery from that abuse in NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER, PART 2: LEARNING TO LOVE MYSELF. 

I'd like to leave you with this poem from my most recent book. It summarizes what both Darlene and I are trying to tell you: you need to learn to love yourself by becoming your own best friend: 

My Own Best Friend

Today I resolve to be my own best friend

To stand up for myself rather than bend

To pick myself up when I slide down

To undo the shackles that have kept me bound.

To silence the voices that stole my liberty

To trust my own judgement on what's best for me

To love the person emerging from the shell

And spend my days getting to know her well.

I will take on each day as if it were my last

I will decide my own future, uncontrolled by my past

I will move ever forward using what I've learned 

To discover the world for which I've yearned.

What's right for others, may not be right for me

But I'll do what I must to be the best I can be

Each day's another year to start all over again

And I have all I need when I'm my own best friend.

©Viga Boland, January 1, 2014

http://www.vigaboland.com

WHY ARE VICTIMS of #INCEST or CHILD SEXUAL #ABUSE DRAWN TO OTHER #ABUSERS?

You'd think when one's been victimized by an abuser, you'd run a mile before getting involved with another abuser. Yet, time and again victims tell me they left one abuser only to fall for another. It's like victims have indelible signs printed on their foreheads saying "abuse me!" But we all know that's the last thing victims want or need. So why does it happen?

Some reasons come to mind immediately:

Victims don't feel they deserve better
Victims feel whatever happened to them was their fault
Victims are needy, desperate for love. As such, they are easy targets for abusers.
Victims often hate themselves so much they believe they should be punished.

All of those reasons scream of the insecurity the victim feels as a result of abuse. They feel so empty inside, they rush to fill the void. They are looking for confirmation that they are worthy of love.

This thought came to mind after I read the words below posted by a friend, Johnnie Leonard-Yaegel on Facebook. She was reflecting on how it felt to lose someone you love and why one shouldn't rush to find a new love:

"Filling the spot of someone you have lost to a break up, divorce or even death with anything or anyone else is not always healthy. When the body heals, it focuses on that wound till it is completely well again. It doesn't add another human to the body to heal. So many are in a hurry to fill a void. But a void is room to grow. Sometimes we are too quick to put something there that inevitably slows our growth." 

Her words struck me as being applicable to victims of abuse. Now, you might ask "What has that got to do with abuse victims? They aren't mourning the loss of someone they loved." To which I say 

"Really? I beg to differ"

Here's why: Abuse victims are indeed mourning the loss of someone they loved. That someone is themselves! When we are abused, especially as children, we lose ourselves. Some of us spend a lifetime trying to find ourselves again. We are drawn into relationships, some as harmful as the one we escaped, in our desperation to find that person we loved and lost: ourselves.  We hope that somehow the new person in our life will convince us we are worthy of their love and that through him or her, we can once again learn to love ourselves. Some of us find that person who can do that for us. I did. But sadly,  too many of us never do. We drift from one relationship to another, from one abuser to another, ever seeking confirmation that we are worthy of love. 

But as my friend states above: "A void is room to grow." If we immediately seek a new partner to fill that void, without giving ourselves time to heal, we might end up filling that void with more emptiness, more insecurity. So why rush? Slow down; take the time to heal; let the wound close. Slowing down will give us time to clear our heads, to step back and look objectively at that new person who's saying all the right things but possibly for the wrong reasons. 

Welcome the chance to be alone; to think for yourself; to not have to answer to someone else or do what that person tells you to. In that period of alone-ness, not to be confused with loneliness, you might find someone you can trust and love: yourself. Remember, as Whitney Houston sang, "Learning to love yourself is the greatest gift of all."

That, by the way, is the title and theme of my new memoir, a love story of rebirth and recovery after abuse. All being well, it'll be available from my website in late September/early October. 

DOWNLOAD A FREE eBOOK of NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER and you might win a KINDLE too!

If you have subscribed to my personal blog, VIANVISIONS, on my author's website, you probably are aware that I am currently in the last stages of writing the Sequel to my true story of #incest, "NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER".  I wrote and published that book a little less than a year ago, and today, I have been thrilled with the sales and particularly pleased to see my book added to 6 Ontario libraries. 

Nonetheless, I know there are many thousands of victims of incest and their families who have never heard of the book, or even if they have and would like to read it, feel they can't afford to buy even the eBook copy.  I decided to remedy that if I could, at least temporarily. 

So I uploaded NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER to a site called STORY CARTEL. By joining this site (it's free) readers can download tons of ebooks for free for a limited time. My book can still be downloaded for FREE for another 12 days. So if you've been wanting to read it, here's your chance. 

What's the catch? There is none. 

And what's this about winning a KINDLE? 

Well, if you download my Free book, and leave me a review at AMAZON (and anywhere else you like e.g. Goodreads, Barnes & Noble, Apple iBooks, Kobo, GooglePlay) within the next 15 days, you will be entered for a chance to win that KINDLE, or an Amazon or Barnes & Noble Gift or more...just for leaving me a review. 

Why is your leaving a review for me important to me?

Because the more reviews my book receives, especially at Amazon, the higher it goes in the rankings, meaning many readers are likely to find it. And if they want or need this book, to help them heal, to help them realize they are not alone as victims of incest, then that's important to me.  

Won't you help them, or perhaps help yourself, by downloading NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER absolutely FREE, leaving me a review? Even just a few lines would help. 

Thank you in advance for doing this and I hope you'll share this blog post with others who might like to take advantage of this FREE offer. As for my sequel, where I cover the years since I left my abusive father and built a new life for myself with my husband and children, look for it to become available in the next few months. 

Title?

LEARNING TO LOVE MYSELF. 

To understand and enjoy LEARNING TO LOVE MYSELF, it will help to have read NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER. So go grab yourself a FREE copy now from STORY CARTEL. 

SABRINA'S STORY: #INCEST VICTIM STILL IMPRISONED AFTER 40 YEARS

Sabrina is in her 40's now and still lives at home with her mother and step-father. She works in their shop but receives no salary. Her step-father thinks she's insane and wants to have her committed. Her mother is abusive and narcissistic. The rest of her relatives think Sabrina is crackers too. Everyone tells her to stop talking rubbish and tarnishing the family name with her ridiculous allegations of incest by an uncle who is today a very prominent member of society. He also wields lots of power. Sabrina is scared of what he could do to her and her family if she ever goes public. So she stays silent. 

She's told her mother the story time and again. One minute her mother says she's making it all up; the next she tells her to get over it: it happens to lots of girls, so just get over it. But Sabrina can't. 

She was only 7 when 'it' happened. Her parents had left her in her uncle's care. She trusted him when he said she was being taken to have a needed medical procedure. There were 4 "doctors" in the room. She was put under. When she awoke, one of the doctors was on top of her. No, correct that: he was inside her and she hurt. Then the other doctors took turns. And they took photographs too. And they laughed. 

They took turns. 

When they finished with me, I was told the procedure went wonderfully. 
I was sore. 
I was tired. 
I was confused. 
I wanted to throw up. 
I didn't want to be near him anymore. 
I sensed something had changed my relationship with him forever. 
I sensed something had changed me forever. 
I just wanted to go home. 

I was 7-years-old

Sabrina never forgot and never got over it. She did what all incest victims do: she went quiet because she was fearful of what would happen to her if she told. 

Sabrina has been quiet for 40 years now. She's gained weight, on purpose. She doesn't want men to get interested in her. That doesn't mean she wouldn't love to have a good husband and children and all the rest, but she's too scared and she can't trust any man. The same relative abused her again at a later date under different circumstances and not to the same degree. But his abuse just cemented her fear and buried her silence even deeper.  She's written about it in her blog, LIGHT DANCING IN THE SHADOWS. Click the link to read her side of the story. Right now, her only support is readers like you and writers like me. 

Sabrina wants to leave home but has no money to head out on her own. She's a prisoner of her past and her present. She's trying to fight back using the only weapon she has now: words. She is speaking out from under incest. She's committed to writing a book about it and has already started. And every day, her parents keep her chained, convincing themselves and everyone around her that she is nuts. 

We other victims of incest know better. Sabrina is not nuts. She needs support and ears willing to believe her side of the story. I have promised to help her publish her book when it's done. As much as I wish she'd find the courage to get out of the prison she's been in for 40 years, that is ultimately up to her. Only she can change her life. But writing her story is a beginning. Don't back down Sabrina. Fight for your life and your freedom. Fight for your chance to be the beautiful woman you can be and are, away from your persecutors. Others have done it. You can too. Courage and love my friend. 

VICTIMS of #INCEST or #ABUSE of ANY KIND HELP THEMSELVES HEAL THROUGH #WRITING and/or #JOURNALING

After writing and publishing my own true story of #incest, "No Tears for my Father", I began mentoring memoir writing groups for my local library. This most rewarding volunteer position brought me, and the participants, a few surprises, the biggest being what many of the members were experiencing as they completed various writing exercises I assigned: they found what they were doing ... writing ... was therapeutic!

Of course, I'd known writing was therapeutic since I was a teen: in my unhappiness,  I'd begun penning poems and writing songs that captured my angst and heartache, and in doing so, I often found release for my pain and bottled up rage. I had no-one to talk to about the incest. But putting what I was feeling down on paper somehow helped.

And now, the members of my memoir group, even those who hadn't necessary come into the group to write about trauma or personal tragedy, found that as they recalled their past, remembered things about their childhood, even incidences like feeling awkward at puberty, or their first crush, were finding that writing about these things was "freeing". They realized that even now as adults, some of their present insecurities and hangups harked back to those earlier days. Writing about them now brought them face to face with some issues they still have trouble dealing with day to day in their personal lives and careers. And hence came the realization for them all that writing is utterly therapeutic, because, as Adair Lara once stated:

“When you pin your misfortune to a page, you rob it of its power. You begin to get distance from an event the moment you write it down. Even the most intimate and horrendous details of your life become transformed into material”

That misfortune could be something as current as losing a job you've worked years to get, or saving money for a trip only to have to use it to fix a leaking roof. It doesn't have to be something as horrendous as incest or rape, but when it is, then the therapeutic nature of writing becomes incredibly healing.

One of the members of my memoir writing group had always been a writer, but she only wrote fiction. Suddenly, in the memoir class,  with every exercise, her past surfaced so strongly she couldn't stop writing about it.  It was she who first said to us all, "I'm finding these sessions, the writing, the exercises are therapeutic," and everyone agreed. This same discovery was made by the authors of that famous book, which I highly recommend for those wanting and needing to heal, THE COURAGE TO HEAL.  They point out again and again how therapeutic it is to write your pain onto the page. 

Have you tried writing your pain on a page yet? Try it! Try it the next time you have a flashback that knocks the wind out of you. Or the next time you hear your abuser's words mocking you, frightening you, reducing you to a blubbering mass of tears. Wipe away the tears by writing down everything that is on your mind, all the tortuous thoughts. You don't have to share it with anyone. This is just for you.

And as my memoir member recently wrote on our writers group page at Facebook:

"Vomit flows freely from my past, cleansing the depth of my soul at last."

Let this happen to you. Heal yourself through writing and/or journalling.

*****************
Did you know you can read excerpts from "No Tears for my Father" for FREE? Just click on the book title to read some sample chapters now!

Purchase your signed, printed version of NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER directly from the author, Viga Boland.

WHAT GIVES MEN THE RIGHT TO TREAT WOMEN THIS WAY! #Boko Haram

These past two weeks, like many of us, I have been horrified and nauseated by the news of the kidnapping of those young girls in #Nigeria by the #Boko Haram. I am appalled by the rationale, the justification their mad leader, Abubakar Shekau, gives for their actions, i.e. 

"Girls, you should go and get married!" 

Adding further that "There is a market for selling humans. Allah says I should sell. He commands me to sell. I will sell women. I sell women!"

This line of thinking about women ... no ... young girls barely in their teens, is appalling! I want to scream out "What gives men the right to treat women this way?" Why, in this day and age are there cultures that still hold this archaic, barbaric attitude toward women? How many more centuries will it take before women are seen as equal and as deserving as men, not put on this earth to serve men, to be their slaves, good for nothing more than sex and having children? 

And yet, this attitude, as we all know, is not limited to Nigeria and many middle eastern cultures. Here in the great Western world, how much progress have women really made? We are far from equal to men in so many areas of life: work, home, educational opportunities etc. Men continue to rape women; pedophiles from all walks of life, abuse children of both sexes. Fathers, grandfathers and uncles continue to sexually molest their daughters, and families in denial continue to protect the abusers and victimize the victims. 

In my never-ending efforts to understand my own childhood sexual abuse and my mother's role in it, as told in my book, NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER,  I've been reading a book titled "Mothers of Incest Survivors" by Janis Tyler Johnson. This author studied and spoke with six  mothers and daughters about incest, how the moms found out, when they found out, how they handled it etc. Explanations for their failure to do nothing even when they knew the abuse was happening, are generally focussed on either the dependence these mothers had on the fathers for financial support or their own fear of their spouses. Both of those reasons would have applied to my own mother. Here's an excerpt from my book that explains her own fear of my father: 

"She met dad in the camp when she was 16. He fell madly in love with her but she never loved him. It was war-time and she had no-one, so he looked after her. One night in the trenches as the planes still patrolled overhead just after the war ended, I was conceived. So there she was, 17 and pregnant to a man she didn't love. 

Whatever pressures they were under, it didn't take long for Dad's violent nature to surface after they got married. I remember her telling me many years later how he kicked her off the bed and onto the floor, then continued to kick her in her swollen belly because of something she said that upset him. Another time he forced her down on her knees, demanding she kiss his little finger to acknowledge his dominance over her. She refused. 

The beating that followed her "disobedience" convinced her once and for all that opposing him was futile. She turned into a quiet little mouse who went to work, cooked his meals, cleaned the house and had little time for me, who after all, had come along, unwanted, and unfortunately for us both, chained her to him forever. No wonder I felt she had an unspoken resentment of me all my life. "

That was 50 years ago. How different was my father or his attitude toward women from the Boko Haram? And how many men living today in our very modernized western society still perceive women as my father did ie. that it was his right to treat mom this way, that indeed, she should kiss his little finger and if she didn't do as he commanded, then it was his right to kick her in the belly or beat her up or whatever he felt was fitting punishment for this little woman he most obviously saw as beneath him, as something so much lesser than he was. Garrghhh! It just makes me want to spew!

I think about my father and I read news items like this and every day I am so thankful that the man I married doesn't think like these men. How did I get this lucky? How I hope my daughters meet and marry men just like their dad. Did you, dear victim of incest or child sexual abuse have the good fortune to meet a really good man, one who understands that women deserve the same love and respect that men do. I sure hope so. 

Purchase a signed, printed copy or electronic copy for all e-readers directly from the author's website

Have you read "No Tears for my Father", a true story of incest, yet? Click the title to purchase a signed, printed copy today directly from the author herself. You will also find the electronic version for all e-readers, including Kindle, on the author's website, where you can also read chapters from the upcoming SEQUEL to her book which covers the 20 - 25 years of recovery and finding herself through love. 

WHAT DO #INCEST VICTIMS EXPECT TO READ IN A SEQUEL to a TRUE STORY of #INCEST?

At the request of readers and fans of my book, NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER, I am currently writing a SEQUEL to my true story of incest. In a previous post here, I invited subscribers to this blog to subscribe to that sequel as well. It's FREE, and you can read as I write because, at least for a while,  I'm posting the story chapter by chapter.

But as I work my way through it, I have to ask myself what do my readers want to know? If they are simply interested in knowing how I recovered from 12-13 years of incest at the hands of my biological father, "got over it" as it were and moved on to have a productive life after incest, then I am writing what they want to read. It's a memoir of my married life following my exit from a despicable situation.

But if the person who reaches for this sequel is looking for a book on healing, therapy for their own pain, then my Sequel, as yet un-named, may fail to satisfy their need. You see, for some reason I cannot explain even to myself, once I walked away from my father it was like I erected a wall between me and my past. And once on this side of that wall, I stopped letting the past rule my present.  Where I found that strength, I don't know but perhaps it's rooted in the fact that it took so much strength not to buckle, commit suicide, resort to drugs or booze while I was being abused, that once I was away from it, I had a arsenal of strength to carry me through whatever life might throw my way.  You see, as far as I was concerned, I'd been through the worst already ... and I'd survived.

On top of that, I now had a whole new world to discover, a world that had been denied me. I was naive. I'd never dated. I'd been locked in a prison. But my jailor had let me go,  not easily, and not without trauma and drama, but I was out of there and ready to taste a freedom I'd never known. Perhaps by focussing on the good that was to come instead of forever slipping into the very bad of the past, by thinking of the positives instead of the negatives, therapy and healing came quietly, subtly, and I never really knew it was happening.

Now granted, as I've said many times, I got lucky: I found a really good man and slowly but surely started to trust again. As my trust and love for him grew, and I realized he wasn't going to dictate my every thought and action or restrict me in any way from doing whatever I wanted to, bit by bit my confidence in, and respect for myself flourished. I began to like myself again, even love myself again,  and as Whitney Houston once sang: "Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all", and the most important love if one is to heal from childhood sexual abuse.

Coupled with all that is something else I'm realizing as I write this sequel: while I hated myself for not standing up to my father for all those years, unlike so many victims of incest, I never really blamed myself for what happened. Maybe that's because I was 11 and not 2 or 3 when my father started abusing me. At 11, as horrifying as what he was doing to me was, somehow I knew this wasn't my fault. I never saw myself as the reason for the abuse; I didn't invite him in: he forced himself on me. How was I to blame? I fought him for months but there's only so much mental and physical abuse one can take before you finally give in. It's self-preservation. And somewhere inside the recesses of my mind, I made the logical and intelligent decision that regardless of what anyone might think, what happened was NOT MY FAULT!

I truly believe that realization, and the acceptance of it, is tantamount to recovery. Once we stop blaming ourselves for what happened, once we put the blame squarely on the abuser, we can finally begin to heal. So when my Sequel is ready, if you, as a victim of childhood sexual abuse want to read it in the hope that somewhere in there you will find a means, a pathway or guidelines to your own recovery, you most likely won't find it. Instead, if you are still blaming yourself, asking why me, and waiting for an apology from your abuser or for justice be done in the law courts, my SEQUEL will be of little use or interest to you.

If, on your other hand you want and need to believe that you CAN survive the memories and flashbacks of incest (and you will indeed see me battling them in this sequel) you will get that from this second book.  You will also come away knowing it is possible to learn to trust and love yourself and others again, for, if you survived the actual abuse, you can survive the recovery from it too.  Don't think "can't" or "won't".  You survived the war. You can survive the aftermath too by believing you can  do it.

The SEQUEL to #NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER offered #FREE to SUBSCRIBERS to the Author's Blog!

Purchase a signed, printed copy OR the eBook version for all e-readers of NO TEARS FOR MY FATHERdirectly from the author's website. Support indie writers trying to increase awareness of an important subject. 

If you’ve read NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER and wondered what life was like for me, after leaving home and my abuser of 13 years, then subscribe to the RSS for the blog on my personal author's website now!

Why?

Because I have decided to BLOG my SEQUEL, temporarily titled: VIGALAND: LIFE AFTER INCEST!

Why am I doing it this way instead of simply writing and publishing another book? Well, for one thing, self-publishing is expensive, especially if an author doesn’t know how many to have printed for the first run. Now I’d love to think that I’ll sell as many copies of the sequel as I did of the original book, but I’m going to be cautious and test your interest first.

Readers who subscribe to this RSS will be my  “testers”, the ones who hopefully will tell me how I’m doing, by leaving me comments, feedback, chapter by chapter. It’s a novel, as in "new" approach, to writing a book, but the beauty of doing it this way, for you, the reader, is it’s FREE!

And for me, it’s motivation to keep writing this sequel. With subscribers, I have no excuses for not adding a chapter every few days. And the more of you who subscribe, the more motivated I will be! So subscribe today and get your friends to subscribe. Just fill in the form provided below or click on the RSS symbol on the bottom right of the homepage of MY WEBSITE

Okay, that’s it for this post. I’ll be looking for your subscriptions for the next week or so, and  then I’ll start posting the chapters of VIGALAND: LIFE AFTER INCEST bit by bit. 

You don’t want to come back and see half the book has already been archived, do you? Subscribe NOW!

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