"EMERGING from BROKEN" to "LEARNING TO LOVE MYSELF" by being My Own Best Friend

Why have you visited this blog? What were you searching for when you came across the link to  "Coming out from under Incest"? Unless you're doing an investigation or research for a project or book, my guess is you came here for one reason only: you are a victim of incest or child sexual abuse and you are looking for answers and/or validation that you aren't the only one who has suffered this way, and above all, you are looking for help in getting over and past what happened to you perhaps 10, 20 even 50 years ago. Right?

Because that's what you want to find, I've decided today to share with you information from one of the best books I've ever come across to help people like you and me: It's "Emerging from Broken", by Darlene Ouimet, a fellow Canadian, a victim of child sexual abuse, and today a certified professional coach specializing in life transitions. She has a private practice and a massive following on her blog of the same name, "Emerging from Broken".

There are many excellent books on the market like, "The Courage to Heal", designed to help abuse victims heal themselves but Darlene's book is the one to which I could most relate. Why? Because everything she writes in it is true for me! It's based on her own journey of emerging from broken, but her truths are truths that apply to all of us who have been sexually abused as youngsters.

And what hit home to me most, early in the book, is what Darlene said about believing the lies that I had grown up with, the lies that had been drummed into my head and into my entire being about myself. Lies like I was the problem; I deserved the abuse; that everything that happened was my fault; that I was a bad daughter unless I did what my father told me to do; that what I was living with wasn't unusual, quite normal in fact; that I had asked for it; that I had brought this on myself ... on and on and on. All of this led to self-doubt, low self-esteem, always trying to live up to someone else's ideas of what I should be or how I should act. Because the real me and what I wanted was being rejected by someone else far more powerful than me, a parent, as I grew, I too rejected myself and was always trying to please others.

But what we have to recognize, in order to heal, according to Darlene, is that our "validation does not come from outside ourselves". It must come from within. And ultimately, to do that, we need to face the trauma of the past, no matter how much it hurts, sift through the lies we've been told about ourselves and see them for what they are: lies! And then, yes, we need to re-program our thinking and what we are telling ourselves daily about ourselves, so that we eventually learn to love ourselves. That idea, by the way, is the theme of my second, just released follow-up memoir, "Learning to Love Myself".

Purchase a signed, printed softcover copy or a kindle or ePub version of
 "LEARNING TO LOVE MYSELF" directly from the author, Viga Boland

"Loving myself has so much to do with being there for myself" says Darlene. That's exactly right! It's finally putting ourselves first, not last, not trying to please everyone else and never pleasing ourselves. It's about having faith in our own judgement and decisions. And of course, that's not easy with all the voices of the past telling us we're stupid, incapable, selfish or whatever garbage was drummed into our heads by parents who more than likely had their own unresolved issues! You see, every time we try to conform to those lies they told us, we are rejecting ourselves! That has to stop if we are to heal. As Darlene writes: 

"It was when I stopped fighting to prove that I was right and just believed that I was right, that the healing really began. It was when I saw the truth through the grid of love that I realized that love doesn’t harm. It was when I stopped trying to get the abusive people in my life and the people who supported them and their practices to HEAR me, and listened to myself instead, that my world began to look brighter."

God that makes so much sense, doesn't it?

Speaking of God, Darlene brings up something else in her book (which is actually a collection of the first 2 years of the posts on her blog) that also thundered through my brain and had me hollering "Yes, yes!" Darlene brought up an answer so often supplied by well-meaning people who believe it's God's will that we suffer because

"You've been put on this earth to help others who went through the same thing"

Really? Really? If that is so, then as Darlene points out you and I would have to believe that "there is some grand plan for my life that included me being mistreated, abused, invalidated and devalued." Just like her, I cannot and will not accept that explanation. It's like she says elsewhere in the book that it's so easy for believers to simply say if you want to heal, read the bible. Well, Darlene takes one of the most famous biblical teachings that is used not just in Christianity but many religions puts a perspective on it, when it comes to abuse victims, that made my head spin with its profound wisdom. It's too long to copy/paste here but you MUST read it. You can find it here on her website:

http://emergingfrombroken.com/love-is-patient-love-is-kind-a-bit-of-a-rant/

If you were raised Christian and believe in and live by the bible, brace yourself. You might not like how she interprets it in reference to herself and other abuse victims, but you cannot deny its logic. 

You came to this blog looking for answers, for help in healing. I am suggesting you will find it in Darlene Ouimet's book, EMERGING from BROKEN. You will find the answers to your suffering there and you will find what you need to start healing. 

But she will tell you as I do: in the end, it's up to you to do the work yourself. All Darlene and other victim/survivors like me who write blogs and books can do is share what we've learned from our own struggles to emerge from broken. I've told my story of child sexual abuse in my gold medal book,  NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER, and now, have also shared my story of self-discovery and recovery from that abuse in NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER, PART 2: LEARNING TO LOVE MYSELF. 

I'd like to leave you with this poem from my most recent book. It summarizes what both Darlene and I are trying to tell you: you need to learn to love yourself by becoming your own best friend: 

My Own Best Friend

Today I resolve to be my own best friend

To stand up for myself rather than bend

To pick myself up when I slide down

To undo the shackles that have kept me bound.

To silence the voices that stole my liberty

To trust my own judgement on what's best for me

To love the person emerging from the shell

And spend my days getting to know her well.

I will take on each day as if it were my last

I will decide my own future, uncontrolled by my past

I will move ever forward using what I've learned 

To discover the world for which I've yearned.

What's right for others, may not be right for me

But I'll do what I must to be the best I can be

Each day's another year to start all over again

And I have all I need when I'm my own best friend.

©Viga Boland, January 1, 2014

http://www.vigaboland.com

SABRINA'S STORY: #INCEST VICTIM STILL IMPRISONED AFTER 40 YEARS

Sabrina is in her 40's now and still lives at home with her mother and step-father. She works in their shop but receives no salary. Her step-father thinks she's insane and wants to have her committed. Her mother is abusive and narcissistic. The rest of her relatives think Sabrina is crackers too. Everyone tells her to stop talking rubbish and tarnishing the family name with her ridiculous allegations of incest by an uncle who is today a very prominent member of society. He also wields lots of power. Sabrina is scared of what he could do to her and her family if she ever goes public. So she stays silent. 

She's told her mother the story time and again. One minute her mother says she's making it all up; the next she tells her to get over it: it happens to lots of girls, so just get over it. But Sabrina can't. 

She was only 7 when 'it' happened. Her parents had left her in her uncle's care. She trusted him when he said she was being taken to have a needed medical procedure. There were 4 "doctors" in the room. She was put under. When she awoke, one of the doctors was on top of her. No, correct that: he was inside her and she hurt. Then the other doctors took turns. And they took photographs too. And they laughed. 

They took turns. 

When they finished with me, I was told the procedure went wonderfully. 
I was sore. 
I was tired. 
I was confused. 
I wanted to throw up. 
I didn't want to be near him anymore. 
I sensed something had changed my relationship with him forever. 
I sensed something had changed me forever. 
I just wanted to go home. 

I was 7-years-old

Sabrina never forgot and never got over it. She did what all incest victims do: she went quiet because she was fearful of what would happen to her if she told. 

Sabrina has been quiet for 40 years now. She's gained weight, on purpose. She doesn't want men to get interested in her. That doesn't mean she wouldn't love to have a good husband and children and all the rest, but she's too scared and she can't trust any man. The same relative abused her again at a later date under different circumstances and not to the same degree. But his abuse just cemented her fear and buried her silence even deeper.  She's written about it in her blog, LIGHT DANCING IN THE SHADOWS. Click the link to read her side of the story. Right now, her only support is readers like you and writers like me. 

Sabrina wants to leave home but has no money to head out on her own. She's a prisoner of her past and her present. She's trying to fight back using the only weapon she has now: words. She is speaking out from under incest. She's committed to writing a book about it and has already started. And every day, her parents keep her chained, convincing themselves and everyone around her that she is nuts. 

We other victims of incest know better. Sabrina is not nuts. She needs support and ears willing to believe her side of the story. I have promised to help her publish her book when it's done. As much as I wish she'd find the courage to get out of the prison she's been in for 40 years, that is ultimately up to her. Only she can change her life. But writing her story is a beginning. Don't back down Sabrina. Fight for your life and your freedom. Fight for your chance to be the beautiful woman you can be and are, away from your persecutors. Others have done it. You can too. Courage and love my friend. 

SEX IS GREAT BETWEEN CONSENTING PARTIES ... BUT CHILDREN ARE NOT CONSENTING PARTIES TO #INCEST

It's been roughly a year since I started this blog. I was trepidacious at first. For one thing, I knew I was about to reveal a very dark and rather ugly side of my life as a teen to the millions who scour the internet looking for words like "sex", "incest" "child sexual abuse".  Many would be victims of child sexual abuse looking for help, looking for some explanation of why family members thought it was okay to molest a little 3 or 4-year-old girl or boy or a prepubescent teen.   Others would be those who get off on these subjects, who find incest "hot", "exciting" "stimulating".

In the  past year, this blog has been visited by over 28,000 people. Folks have subscribed to this blog, left comments, and linked through to my Facebook pages at COMING OUT FROM UNDER INCEST and also requested membership in my private Facebook group, SPEAK OUT FROM UNDER CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE IN FAMILIES.

I am so grateful to each and every one of you who came to this blog for the right reason. My intention has always been to encourage other victims to speak out from under child sexual abuse and incest and NOT to glorify the disgusting and perverted practice of sex between non-consenting parties. Children are a non-consenting party: they  cannot and do not give you consent to use their bodies for your sexual pleasures. You people fill me with revulsion and your participation in this blog or in my Facebook group is NOT WELCOMED!

I will continue to fight you in the only way I now can: with words. That is why I wrote and published my own true story, NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER. And I sincerely thank all who have purchased my book, posted a review at GOODREADS, and told others about my book.

I wrote NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER to encourage other victims of incest to speak up about the abuse they didn't want or deserve as children. Now that my book is done, what can you expect from this blog in the future? More of the same, but what I hope to start bringing you very soon is other victims' stories. Several in my Facebook group have consented to my sharing these with you. They will remain anonymous if they so choose, The important thing now is that folks realize mine is NOT an isolated case. There are thousands, millions like me out there!

I will also be posting excerpts from book on this blog, at MY WEBSITE, and shortly, you will even be able to download FREE e-book sample chapters from GoodReads. So do sign up as a follower or friend on my Goodreads Author page.

I'd like to leave you with my latest video pertaining to my book, NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER, in which I discuss why it's so important that victims of incest and child sexual abuse keep talking about it, and more importantly, why the general public needs to get its collective head out of the sand and wake up to the fact that 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 5 boys are sexually molested by the age of 18, that 90% of these children know their abusers and 30% of the abusers are members of the child's family!

TO BLOG or NOT TO BLOG ABOUT INCEST & CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE: THAT IS THE QUESTION!

Today I came across a post in a closed Facebook group devoted to rape and sexual assault where the poster said she'd like to blog about what happened to her, but is hesitant to do so, especially in a public blogging platform like the one I use.

That is, of course, a very valid concern. Before we open up and come out from under, be it to one person or a group, let alone to what could be a world-wide readership, there are many things to consider:

1) Are you truly ready to speak openly about the abuse you suffered? Doing so can be daunting and re-open many wounds.

2) Who will be affected by what you write, even if you keep the real names out of the blog? Who will recognize themselves and may be upset by that? Are you ready to handle how they react and what they might throw back at you?

3) Is your abuser still alive? Nearby? Will he/she deny your accusations and if so, are you ready to stand up to them?

4) Once you blog in a public forum like this, will you invite comments and be prepared to receive both praise and criticism. (Be sure to select option to approve comments before they are posted!)

5) Is your immediate family aware of the abuse, all the details, and are they ready to support you or will they be horrified that you've let the family skeletons out of the closet?

6) What if the family says this will ruin them, cost them their jobs etc? Will that hold you back yet again from telling?

There's so much to think about before you start telling all, especially in public. But while you are busy worrying about everyone else, holding back as you've always done for everyone else's stake, what about YOU? Most likely, like the rest of us, you've kept your secret hidden for years ... how many ... 10, 20 30 and counting. What is it doing to YOU keeping quiet all this time?

When I started this blog, and decided to even write a book about my own sexual abuse, I waited until I'd told my husband and children all about my "sordid" past. Their response to the idea of my making it all public was universal: "You have to do it mom! He had no right to do that to you. He got off scott free and now he's dead; he won't even pay for it, but you've been paying all these years!"

They were right. Their words encouraged me.  They also reminded me of one other thing: all the others out there like me. They felt if I told my story, maybe one other person out there, one other victim of incest or sexual abuse might say "Wow ... this could be my story!" The family said that reading my words might be just what that one person needs to get out and change their lives. All the more, I felt emboldened, ready to do this.

Since I began this blog a couple of months back, I've been shocked, pleasantly, by the number of men and women who have subscribed to my blog and joined my OUT FROM UNDER page at Facebook. Every day, as more join, I am reassured I did the right thing in blogging about my past.

I have also realized how the subject of INCEST is indeed, most likely, the greatest taboo when it comes to child sexual abuse.  Try as I might with my Facebook page, members were, for the most part, reluctant to talk openly about their own abuse in a public forum like Facebook when so many of their family members are also on Facebook and can see what they're written. Thanks to the suggestion of one of my members, I decided to form a private, CLOSED group for those who are wanting and needing to share their stories but only with others like them and in privacy. That group, SPEAK OUT FROM UNDER, is now growing quickly. All posts are not visible to anyone but members. And most  importantly to me, they are speaking out and up and other members are consoling, advising, comforting and encouraging them with their own similar experiences.  It's truly beautiful and for me, so personally fulfilling.

I'm going to finish this post about whether we should blog or not, with this wonderful note I got from a friend in England when he realized what I was doing. He wrote:


"Your recent revelations of sexual abuse that you experienced when you were young were heart wrenching to read. Yet the spirit in which you presented spoke of a human being who was not going to live by someone else's terms or behaviour. Because you chose to reveal this on the internet you must know that your inspirational words will have immediately affected and comforted hundreds of thousands of other sufferers, probably still enduring that worst crime that anyone can commit against a defenceless child. Child abuse is probably the last 'taboo' subject and it is due to public and international exposure that the victims may now be protected and helped."

In his closing sentence, he also wrote: "If life was the Olympic Games, you would have a Gold Medal for the Courage Event."

Do you know how good that made me feel to read that? But if I were the person handing out medals for courage at the Olympic Games, I know I wouldn't have enough of them to give to all of you who have withstood years of abuse, shame and blame. That, my dear friends, takes even more courage than writing about it. But, in the end, if you have been able to do that, you have it in you to go one step further to come out from under and write about it, even if you only do it in private, closed groups like my new one, SPEAK OUT FROM UNDER. If you'd like to join us, send a request from the Facebook group page.