THE DOMINO EFFECT of #INCEST and #CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE

"My mom's first cousins were all abused by their father, and apparently the oldest daughter had sex with by him till into her 20s. She's so messed up now. Denies it all, can't talk about it, but is a mental mess. 

Her two sons (who were brought up in the home of their paedo grandfather) go with anyone - male, female, black, white, whatever age, just anyone they can get their hands on. The oldest is a suicidal alcoholic. 

Their mother and the two of them all still live together and have no money. They live in this ramshackle place and eek out a living. It breaks my heart that they can't break the cycle of shame and face the facts. 

And that eldest daughter's brother? He is an abuser too of young girls and his daughter VIGOROUSLY defends her father and lies to cover up for him. 

So sad."

Sad? It's more than sad. It's downright horrible, this domino effect that childhood sexual abuse and incest has on families, and not just immediately, but for generations!  It undermines and tears at the very concept of what a family is supposed to be: a place of comfort, support and above all, love for, and trust in every member of that family. How can children grow into a normal, functioning, productive human beings when memories of abuse by a parent colour all their perceptions, interactions, and relationships with other people,  and eventually their own children, for years to come. How can they ever be "normal"? How?!

And why does it happen? It happens because somewhere along the line an adult told his son or daughter that what daddy was doing was okay. He told them everyone was doing it. Or he warned them not to tell others and used threats of pain, beatings or even death to enforce that secrecy. Or he manipulated their young, impressionable and naive minds with clever words, telling them no-one would believe them anyway. Or he sucked them in so cleverly saying this was love and daddy loves you, and thereby molded that child into his unspeaking, obedient, frightened and insecure puppet who believed this love was better than no love. Because LOVE is what all children want and need above all else and they will do what is necessary, put up with whatever they have to, to get it. It's human nature.

When members of my group share information like what's in that opening quote, when personal friends, who are not victims, write to me and say, as one did this past week after seeing the planned cover for my book, NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER: 

"I went to your blog out of curiosity and got a severe, and lasting lesson in reality in human depravity. Apart from your own story, I found one of the stories there totally shocking. All stories of incest are all shocking, of course, but  'Nikki's Story' just broke my heart. Maybe it is typical of the horrendous experiences that some boys and girl are forced to go through. I don't know. I haven't really read any detailed incest stories because it is not a subject matter that attracts me for a read. Whatever the degree of the molestation that all victims have had to deal with in their young lives, 'Nikki's Story' must surely be one of most heart rending. I am amazed that children so young can somehow deal with what is happening to them."

then all the more I am encouraged in my resolve to finish my book, my true story of incest, written and published. We MUST talk about incest! We must refuse to stay silent any longer. Our own silence is aiding and abetting the abusers, many of whom, like the member above stated in that opening quote, go on to abuse others: the domino effect of incest and child sexual abuse. 

This domino effect can only be stopped or at least curtailed, by coming out from under incest and speaking out from under the child sexual abuse in families, and the earlier the better. And yet, as I say that, I'm reminded of another comment made by a member this past week who lamented

"Children are told to tell an adult, a teacher or the other parent if someone touches them in a way that makes them uncomfortable. But how can they do that when they no longer trust adults, or worse yet, when one of the parents is the abuser?"

How indeed!

As my friend who wrote to me said, and I agree with him 100%: 

" ...  this subject, your book, and the strong incestuous character that seems so prevalent in the human race, demands a high profile exposure. It is the last taboo subject, and it is now time for the stone of indifference to be turned over and the sordid truth about some human adults revealed for all to see. The human race will never evolve, or even mature, if this awful aspect of mankind is not addressed."

The only way I can see for us to overturn that stone of indifference is SPEAK UP ABOUT OUR OWN CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE!  And it's up to us, the victims, to do that. We are our own best resource for fighting this depravity. It is we, the victims, who have the best weapons: our voices! Speak out from under. Tell your stories. NOW!  

"1 in 4 Girls will be Sexually Abused by age 18. 1 in 6 Boys will be Sexually Abused by age 18. 90,000 cases are reported each year. 90% of the time the Child knows the perpetrator. 117 Victims will be Assaulted before the Child Molester is caught..."

"VICTIM'S VOICES ARE THE BEST WEAPONS AGAINST CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE"

©Viga Boland 2013, NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER

KEEPING INCEST A SECRET EATS AT YOU & TEARS YOU APART

“I believe when you are attacked, either as a child or as an adult, that you are put in a position of choice. You can either allow it to consume you and watch it destroy you or you can fight against it. Only you can make yourself develop the courage to overcome it and talk about it openly. When you carry it as a secret it will eat at you and continue to tear you apart.” 

(Patricia A. McKnight, My Justice, 2011)

With these words, Patricia, one of the bravest women I know, brings the last few pages of her real life story of abuse and incest to a close. I have never met Patricia in person. We are friends on Facebook now, but my first encounter with her came when I was researching incest on YouTube and found her video that I shared in this earlier blog post here. As she gave a few details of the sexual abuse she suffered at the hands of her step-father for 12 years, I was shocked, but compelled to read her book, My Justice, available as an eBook at LULU.COM, or as a soft cover at Amazon and other online sites. 

As someone who is now writing her own story of incest, I had to know how she wrote her story and how much detail she provided. As a fellow survivor, I had to know about the reactions of her family, friends and others had to her terrible disclosures and most importantly, what have been the long-term effects of the dreadful abuse she suffered, not just at the hands of her father but several other abusers who took over where her step-father left off. 

My Justice wasn't an easy read, for me, not so much for the violence Patricia suffered (which was often-times horrific) but for what it said about her own mother's denial, ignorance, and lack of love and support for this poor child with the brilliant blue eyes. Throughout her 40 + years of abuse, Patricia tried time and again to win and hold onto her mother's love. She desperately wanted a good relationship with her mother, some acknowledgement that "Trecia" was indeed a good person to whom bad things had happened at the hands of her own husband. And her mother never, to this day, gave her that vital pleasure. This mother, for me, is as loathsome as the step-father. In the criminal justice system, people are charged, tried and convicted for aiding and abetting a crime. I can think of Patricia's mom in no other terms: she aided and abetted this ugly, abusive step-father who took her virginity by ramming a rifle up his step-daughter's vagina! Patricia's mother stood beside this monster till his death, but she never once stood up for or protected her daughter. For me, this is the saddest part of My Justice. 

The last few pages also drove home another ugly fact about incest when the family doesn't know the details, or when it does, turns a blind eye toward the truth. The accuser becomes the accused: the abuser is believed over the abused. What's wrong with this picture! In my Facebook group, SPEAK OUT FROM UNDER, it's heartbreaking to learn from other victims that this is the reaction in their families too. We rail against the honour killings in other cultures, but by insisting incest and child sexual abuse be covered up, hushed up, not talked about, how different are we? These children die too ... just more slowly. It may not be a physical death, but unless they can open up and someone believes them, they die mentally and spiritually. Death by the long term incarceration of silence as opposed to hanging. Which is worse?

And then there's the effects on the children of an abused parent. It's heart-breaking to read how Patricia's past has negatively affected her relationships with her daughters. Her past made Patricia ill-equipped to handle the ups and downs of motherhood, though it's obvious she loved her children more than herself. Sadly, they don't see it that way. They saw her constant searching for a kind, non-abusive male companion as whoring.  At one point, her own children were now calling her what her abuser had called her: a dirty, ugly whore. 

How Patricia has survived all this mental, physical, spiritual and sexual abuse is something only she knows. It's something each of us who have gone through similar, easier or worse, knows. We all have different levels of strength and resolve. Some of us can take more, some less. Some of us can come out from under enough to talk about it privately, or as Patricia and I am now doing, publicly.  But it's never easy and even after it's done, it's still fraught with anxiety, worry and insecurity that we are doing the right thing by talking about it at all. But silence is deadly. 

I thank Patricia for showing me the way with her book. While I had decided to write my own book before I'd ever heard of her, MY JUSTICE has given me the courage to continue writing. My conversations with Patricia via Facebook and private emails have shown me the beautiful, caring person she is and has always been. She is a classic example of what it's like when bad things happen to good people but she has come out on top and is now devoting her life to helping others who are suffering as she did. I urge you to not just read Patricia's book, but to join her newest site at PATRICIA MCKIGHT'S JUSTICE and to follow her blog at SURVIVOR'S JUSTICE.

Don't let YOUR secret "eat at you and continue to tear you apart." As Patricia says in the final line of her book:

“If your world is not what you want, then I hope that you can find the strength to survive and move forward away from the pain.”

COME OUT FROM UNDER!

WHEN THE ABUSE IS SO BAD YOU HIT ROCK BOTTOM #INCEST #SEXUAL ABUSE #BULLYING

I hadn't planned to write on this subject today. In fact, I had a whole different blog, already half-written.

But this morning, my heart broke as I  looked at the photo of that beautiful 15-year-old girl, Amanda Todd,  who committed suicide when the bullying and her subsequent pain became too much to bear.

From what I gather from newspaper items and her sad YouTube video that was a cry for help and understanding, when she posted the video, she was  staying strong, struggling to hold onto her self-esteem, fighting as it were, for her life. And in the end, she gave up. How incredibly sad!

How much bullying and abuse can a person take before he/she breaks? How do some survive the taunts, the name-calling, the kicks, the punches, the beatings, the bruises and eventually emerge battered but alive, while others succumb. They just can't take it anymore.

As you know, I've been reading Patricia A. McKnight's "My Justice". While the details of the sexual abuse by her step-father are truly revolting, even more so than my own in a way, it's actually the physical, mental and verbal abuse she suffered that has bothered me even more. Her step-father was an ogre. But to then see her move on to her first real "love",  so happy to be finally away from her abuser, only to find that her first love is even more abusive than the step-father, made my jaw drop. By the time she got away from him, she'd suffered 2 concussions and sustained so much other physical damage that it just boggles my mind to think she's still alive ie. that one of them didn't kill her or she didn't kill herself! How much abuse can a person take? I don't know that I could have withstood what she did.

And as I read the posts made by members of my Facebook group, SPEAK OUT FROM UNDER, and indeed the many posts I'm finding on other group pages, I am simultaneously shocked and saddened by what I read, but at the same time, I'm in absolute awe of these brave victims who are now survivors and didn't end their lives despite the horrific abuse so many have experienced. Some of them are "coming out from under" bit by bit. Some are impatient with themselves for not healing faster, but the point is, they ARE healing, however slowly, each time they face the demons, talk about it and don't give in to ending it all. 

If only poor Amanda were older, maybe she would have found the strength to hang on. If only someone had recognized her pain, had truly listened to her and went out of their way to help her, maybe we wouldn't now be reading about her suicide. And yet, like Amanda,   like me and like you who are reading this, so many victims have cried out for help, turned to their parents or a relative, told them the story, only to be disbelieved or ignored. Patricia's mother refused to do anything though she knew all along what was going on.

And when some do finally tell all, like KYLIE DEVI, there is so often more abuse to face: those who ask "How could you tell all that!" "How could you shame our family with your lies!" "Just who are you talking about ... who did this to you?" That last one, in Kylie's case was asked by one of her abusers for heaven's sake!

It's too late for Amanda. Maybe if her parents and others had "filled her bucket of self-esteem" high enough, these bullies wouldn't have worn her down to where she hit rock bottom. If there is any goodness to come from such a sad story, it's that once again the rest of us are reminded of how devastating bullying is, especially to fragile young psyches. But now, what will be done about it? I hope Amanda's story isn't wasted like her life was. R.I.P. Amanda Todd.

GIVING THANKS at THANKSGIVING

This weekend, we celebrate THANKSGIVING DAY in Canada on Monday, Oct. 8th. Because this day is about being thankful, my post today is short, its message positive. Yes, bad things happened to me over the younger years, but since I left home, life hasn't just been good: it's been great! Getting away, meeting my wonderful husband of over 40 years now, enjoying my beautiful daughters and grand-daughter ... well I have so much to be positive about and thankful for.  I may be aging and my health is failing, but I'm still here, alive and well enough to tell my story and hopefully inspire and encourage others to do the same.

And this past month or so, since starting my book, this blog, my Facebook page OUT FROM UNDER, and more recently, my Facebook group, SPEAK OUT FROM UNDER, my life has just become even more fulfilling and fulfilled as I meet other brave men and women like myself, eager to share their stories, to help and comfort each other, and encouraging each other get out from under the hell they've been living in. To them, the members of my page and my group, my subscribers and the followers of this blog, and the writers whose books about abuse that I am reading, I say THANK YOU. Thank you for coming with me on this journey. We come from all walks of life and different parts of the world, but we share similar stories and understand each other best because our experiences though different, are in so many ways, the same. Thank you all for helping me continue to COME OUT FROM UNDER. My little poem comes from my heart and is dedicated to you all.

We live in different worlds 

Our paths are not the same

But together we  have trudged along 

Roads we've paved with shame

We see each other in words

Each face is like our own

Bright smiles that hide the tears

That each of us has known

Like freshly fallen snow

Hides potholes hidden below 

We trip and sometimes fall but

Then pick ourselves up and go

Our battle has been tough

The journey has been long

But when we hold each other's hands

We make each other strong

The more we share our stories

The easier it is to tell

Come out from under with us

And let's close the gates on hell

©  Viga Boland 2012

TO BLOG or NOT TO BLOG ABOUT INCEST & CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE: THAT IS THE QUESTION!

Today I came across a post in a closed Facebook group devoted to rape and sexual assault where the poster said she'd like to blog about what happened to her, but is hesitant to do so, especially in a public blogging platform like the one I use.

That is, of course, a very valid concern. Before we open up and come out from under, be it to one person or a group, let alone to what could be a world-wide readership, there are many things to consider:

1) Are you truly ready to speak openly about the abuse you suffered? Doing so can be daunting and re-open many wounds.

2) Who will be affected by what you write, even if you keep the real names out of the blog? Who will recognize themselves and may be upset by that? Are you ready to handle how they react and what they might throw back at you?

3) Is your abuser still alive? Nearby? Will he/she deny your accusations and if so, are you ready to stand up to them?

4) Once you blog in a public forum like this, will you invite comments and be prepared to receive both praise and criticism. (Be sure to select option to approve comments before they are posted!)

5) Is your immediate family aware of the abuse, all the details, and are they ready to support you or will they be horrified that you've let the family skeletons out of the closet?

6) What if the family says this will ruin them, cost them their jobs etc? Will that hold you back yet again from telling?

There's so much to think about before you start telling all, especially in public. But while you are busy worrying about everyone else, holding back as you've always done for everyone else's stake, what about YOU? Most likely, like the rest of us, you've kept your secret hidden for years ... how many ... 10, 20 30 and counting. What is it doing to YOU keeping quiet all this time?

When I started this blog, and decided to even write a book about my own sexual abuse, I waited until I'd told my husband and children all about my "sordid" past. Their response to the idea of my making it all public was universal: "You have to do it mom! He had no right to do that to you. He got off scott free and now he's dead; he won't even pay for it, but you've been paying all these years!"

They were right. Their words encouraged me.  They also reminded me of one other thing: all the others out there like me. They felt if I told my story, maybe one other person out there, one other victim of incest or sexual abuse might say "Wow ... this could be my story!" The family said that reading my words might be just what that one person needs to get out and change their lives. All the more, I felt emboldened, ready to do this.

Since I began this blog a couple of months back, I've been shocked, pleasantly, by the number of men and women who have subscribed to my blog and joined my OUT FROM UNDER page at Facebook. Every day, as more join, I am reassured I did the right thing in blogging about my past.

I have also realized how the subject of INCEST is indeed, most likely, the greatest taboo when it comes to child sexual abuse.  Try as I might with my Facebook page, members were, for the most part, reluctant to talk openly about their own abuse in a public forum like Facebook when so many of their family members are also on Facebook and can see what they're written. Thanks to the suggestion of one of my members, I decided to form a private, CLOSED group for those who are wanting and needing to share their stories but only with others like them and in privacy. That group, SPEAK OUT FROM UNDER, is now growing quickly. All posts are not visible to anyone but members. And most  importantly to me, they are speaking out and up and other members are consoling, advising, comforting and encouraging them with their own similar experiences.  It's truly beautiful and for me, so personally fulfilling.

I'm going to finish this post about whether we should blog or not, with this wonderful note I got from a friend in England when he realized what I was doing. He wrote:


"Your recent revelations of sexual abuse that you experienced when you were young were heart wrenching to read. Yet the spirit in which you presented spoke of a human being who was not going to live by someone else's terms or behaviour. Because you chose to reveal this on the internet you must know that your inspirational words will have immediately affected and comforted hundreds of thousands of other sufferers, probably still enduring that worst crime that anyone can commit against a defenceless child. Child abuse is probably the last 'taboo' subject and it is due to public and international exposure that the victims may now be protected and helped."

In his closing sentence, he also wrote: "If life was the Olympic Games, you would have a Gold Medal for the Courage Event."

Do you know how good that made me feel to read that? But if I were the person handing out medals for courage at the Olympic Games, I know I wouldn't have enough of them to give to all of you who have withstood years of abuse, shame and blame. That, my dear friends, takes even more courage than writing about it. But, in the end, if you have been able to do that, you have it in you to go one step further to come out from under and write about it, even if you only do it in private, closed groups like my new one, SPEAK OUT FROM UNDER. If you'd like to join us, send a request from the Facebook group page.

YOUNG MALE VICTIMS OF SEXUAL ABUSE SUFFER TOO ... AND HOW!

Yesterday marked a milestone for me. It was simultaneously disturbing but very fulfilling. As a result of my previous day's blog post at http://vigaland.blogspot.ca/2012/08/incest-that-could-never-happen-in-my.html , I was contacted by not one, but two men who were sexually abused as youngsters. This brings to 3 the number of men who have shared their story of abuse with me. I feel so honored to have their trust and support for what I am trying to do. Thank you gentlemen. You know who you are.

One of these men was incredibly brave. He wrote his story on my personal Facebook page in full detail. I cried as I read it. His sordid tale came straight from his heart. What had I unleashed? But it was good. He is now one of the members of my FACEBOOK community group, OUT FROM UNDER, and has kindly given me permission to copy/paste his story here. I have copied and pasted it just as he wrote it, full of emotion and heartache. I can sense his desperate need to be heard, to tell others what happened to him and his relatives too. It may be a little hard to follow, but you will get the gist of it ... and it's not pretty. But it is all real.

This gentleman is the first of the members of either sex of OUT FROM UNDER at FACEBOOK  to speak publicly. I applaud his courage and thank him so much for sharing his story. Here's what David wrote:

 "Viga,,please as I share,,forgive me,,thanks,where I was sent,,as a child,,it was later called " The Doherty Farm of Horrors,,"outside of Portage la Prairie Manitoba,,he was I guess a step father,,he never adopted me,,thank God,,he abused all of us,,me,,his daughters,,and 4 boys,,he beat mother,,into I guess getting his way,,she closed her eyes as he did it to us,,we did sex acts for him,,yes even us boys,,ok,,in the mouth,,etc,,he made older girl pregnant,she ,had daughter of incest,,Helen,,he did sex abuse,,he did beatings,,verbally he was bad,,for example as I was not his kid,,his name for me,,was,,The BASTARD,,ok,,,he did emmotional abuse,,to all,,mentally he had us,,we were wrecks,,his like puppets,,,,,,Viga,,later when many of us went to Child family Services for help,,we were told we made it up,,as some of us left,,I ran away 29 times,,what I and other kids told he did,,we were told kids should listen to the parents,,and not lie,,make stuff up,,in 1995 Aug there was a murder on that farm,,I testified against the bad man,,Earl Doherty.and Earls son,,Clarence Doherty,,a 8 year old boy was hiton head and killed on that farm,,.can you believe it ,,he got off,,,anyways,,many of us,,esp me,,charged him,Earl Doherty,,,RCMP said he was too old,,only get house arrest,,so no justice,,I am post traumatic stress dis orders leading to severe bouts of anxiety and depressions,,I am called,,Multiple personality dis orders,,I am called also by Doctors,,Bi polar,I am dis assocaiative,,??,,I drank,,drugged to forget all my life,,I gave up booze,,Drugs Jan 10 ,1996,after I cut my both arms to the bone,,close to the elbows,,deeps,,and I stabbed my leg,,I was sick an tired of the flash backs,,memmories,,and booze ,,drugs were no longer killing it in my head,,I was sick an tired,,wanted it to end,,as the murder had just happened,,more talk,,more publicity,,so,,,,Viga,,I read really fast,,I have many children in me,,little ones,,ok,,,I love your post,,I loved the videio that girl spoke on and did,,folks want to write about me,,I get scared,,the devil,,bad man,,Earl Doherty died,,my so called mother died,,we,,the brothers,,if thats what you call us,,Clarence,,charged with murder,aug,,1995,Gary,,on skid ,gary is lost,,hopeless,,i find him once a yr,,in Vancouver,,,alvin,,a loner,,divorced,,Brian,,he is totaly goofed up,,he did time in juvenile place,,one girl,,Faye,,went to a woman,,fell in love,,got married,Faye and I visit,,we do not much talk about it,,,Daughter of incest Helen,,hiding out sort of on a rez in Manitoba,,we all rarely communicate,,scared,,embarrased I guess,,???We,,yes all of us divorced ,,some a couple of times,,where was God,,where was my Mohter,,why did no one help us,,no one cared,,every one took us back there,,I am alright,,today,,got lots,,lots of help,,head shrinks,,doctors,,counsellors,,many peoples helped me,,mentally,,but,,,some times it just grabs me,,a living hell,,even today,,Thanks for listening,,I send you a jentle respectful hug,,Viga,,just because I am supposed to" 

 After reading David's story, I did some research on male victims of sexual abuse and found THIS ARTICLE  which I have added to my information site at VIGALAND. It is so in line with some of what David has shared above. Do have a read, and while you're over at VIGALAND'S INFORMATION ARTICLE SITE, check out some of the other articles I've posted there. All worthwhile reading for anyone interested in or affected by abuse of any kind.

Have a great weekend everyone. May the sun shine in on your day and chase the heartaches away ...

WHAT COMING OUT FROM UNDER SEXUAL ABUSE OR INCEST CAN DO FOR YOU

This morning's post is short as I'm off for the day to enjoy some wonderful music by my daughter and her partner along with a good friend at an important fundraiser to help build homes for the homeless in Nicaragua. But before I go, I want to leave you with this little poem I wrote that captures what I believe can come to those who finally find the courage to face their fears, their shame, and all the other reasons they have held off sharing their stories of incest and sexual abuse with others. You MUST believe that when you finally come out from under, you will find a love of self that you've never known and so deserve, and with that will come the freedom you've been looking for all these years.

The video also shown below is about spousal abuse and its other victims, the children. The song was written by AndrewVictoria, mentioned above. Please share it too, along with this poem and this blog. And we'd love you to join our Facebook group too. If you're reading this, you've been given another day to come out from under. DO IT!

WHY ARE WE SO AFRAID TO COME OUT FROM UNDER YEARS OF SEXUAL ABUSE?

Look over to the top right of this blog and you'll see a poll I'm conducting asking what's holding you back from opening up about your own incest story. I should have made that more general ie. "sexual abuse", because as much as this blog is based on my own history of father-daughter incest, it's really aimed toward all who have suffered or are still suffering from sexual abuse. While the specific details of the sexual abuse will differ, the long-term ramifications and affects on our lives are most likely very similar. So, if you're reading this now, have been or are a victim, please take the poll. It's anonymous and time-limited.

And so back to the topic of today: why are we so afraid to come out and share our stories? This post has been prompted by the reaction I'm getting from friends on Facebook as the word spreads about what I am trying to do here. I'm very grateful to all those friends who are sharing this blog and my FB page, COMING OUT FROM UNDER. But as they do so, it's becoming obvious that some of them, like me, have been silent about their own sexual abuse for most of their lives. It's also obvious they want to talk about it, but are still holding back. So they will lurk anonymously around this blog and read the posts on Facebook all the while still fighting the urge ... and the need ...  to tell their own stories. Why?!

I can only answer from my own experience. What things made me keep my mouth shut all through adolescence, marriage, motherhood even menopause (LOL)? The first answer that comes to mind is SHAME.  I know I wasn't to blame for what happened to me, but the shame grew year after year, even when I'd long left my maternal home. I would think people looking at me could see what was being done to me and conclude I was allowing it! Imagine what it was like heading off to primary school knowing that an hour earlier I had left my father's bed! (My book will supply the actual details). I was sure that as I greeted my playmates, they knew. I felt like I was covered in excrement and they could see it. I felt dirty, ashamed and I hated myself and him.

When my dear husband came into my life, to my horror, he was a photographer. His greatest pleasure was taking photos of me, very close up on my face at times. He didn't know, but I was cringing. All I could think was what was he really seeing through that macro lens he was so busy focussing on my eyes? Couldn't he see that under the smart teacher's clothes I was wearing and behind the professional smile I had for all my associates and students was someone so despicable and ugly? Shame!

And then, of course, there was the FEAR so deeply instilled in me by my father. Fear that he'd kill me if I told anyone; fear that my mother would be infinitely hurt; fear that no-one would believe me anyway. Dad had made sure of that last one: he reminded me of it constantly. Yes, he probably felt pretty safe knowing that even if I did tell, most people would think I'd just lost it. Who could believe that smiling, proud papa who everyone else liked was messing with his adolescent daughter that way? FEAR!

And as I moved into marriage and eventually motherhood, fear continued to hold me back. What would my handsome groom think if he knew the ugly truth about his bride? Would he ever want to touch such  horribly soiled goods again? Best to keep my mouth shut. So I did. Then there was the children, my two lovely girls. How could I let such a secret out? How would they take it? What would be the effect on their lives? One was aspiring to a career on the world stage as a singer. If she made it, would the dirt hunters come looking for something sensational to gossip about. An incestuous mother makes for juicy reading. No, keep it to myself. Tell no-one. What others don't know doesn't hurt them, right?

And then there was the RESIGNATION: he had won. If I told, what would it achieve? I didn't know at the time that there are things like Children's Aid Societies who could step in. But even if I had and they showed up at our door, dad would have thrown them out saying I was talking nonsense. With his temper, he would have sent them packing. Mom didn't know anything about any of it, so she would have backed him up. And when the door had closed, I would have been beaten to a pulp. Who needed that? I became resigned to my life. I was in my early 20's when I met my husband and by that time I was resigned to being daddy's concubine for the rest of my life. Thankfully, falling in love saved me.

Of course, one of the strongest reasons for not coming out from under that I'm sure most of us share is that fear of what everyone will think of us. Our society is so geared to "how would it look?" "what would people think?" "what would people say about me?" etc. etc. that we are held back daily from doing the many things we know we want and should do, let alone exposing our darkest secrets. Our need for approval supersedes our own need to even be honest with ourselves. We let it stifle us, strangle us, keep us from being who we really are and saying what we really feel. And no wonder after years of being unable to say "NO!" to my abuser that I still have the hardest time saying "NO!" to anyone. So great is the need for approval and above all, love.

Can you relate to all this? Even if you've not been victimized by sexual abuse, I bet you can from other aspects of your life. But it's just so much harder to speak up and come out when you've spent 20, 30, 40 or more years holding it back because of shame, fear, resignation and the need for approval.

Well I've got news for you: now that I am finally talking about it, what I'm getting the most is support and approval! How wonderful is that? With that support, love and approval, years of fear, shame and resignation are melting away with every word I write here and in my book. And it feels SO GOOD!

Join me. Subscribe to my blog here. Take the poll on the top right. Face your fears. Face yourself. Join my Facebook group, OUT FROM UNDER. The more I research and read online, the more I realize I am not alone. You will too. It helps to read about people like us and there are so many like us. Why should we be ashamed? Why should we be silent? Come out from under with me.  I need your courage to help me finish what I've started here.

Thanks for reading. Please share this blog and my Facebook group page link.

Graphic from Peggy Loretta Hornbake

SO IF IT'S PART OF A CULTURE, SEXUAL ABUSE IS OKAY, RIGHT?

 

This morning, the photo above was posted on Facebook by a contact of mine. I blinked twice, enlarged the picture, and my stomach turned. What the heck is this? Where was it taking place? And most of all, why were all the people, including children, standing around and ... smiling? Yes, smiling! What is pleasant about looking at a young boy being goaded on to do what this child is doing? And just who is that woman and that man? His parents? I couldn't believe my eyes. 

The poster's purpose was not, thank heaven, to titillate but to suggest that  the only thing children who are exposed to this kind of thing will learn is sexual misconduct, along with developing a very poor appreciation of a woman's role in society (what else is new!) and a confusing concept of their own purpose in life. I couldn't agree more. But then, after a barrage of responses from others as shocked as I was, came a response that suggested this was part of that culture and that they did not see it as something wrong. That commentator suggested this is not so much "sexual abuse" as "sexual misconduct". Be that as it may, is it okay? I think not!

Sadly, that same commentator, who incidentally did not condone what was happening in the photo but was trying to explain why it happens, indicated there was nothing anyone could do about it. This was a "culture thing". She said it's just like girls being stoned for bringing dishonour to the family in the middle east: it's a culture thing. Therefore, we can do nothing about it. Really?!

Saying we can do nothing about abuse of any kind is, for me,  condoning the abuse. Despite there being "nothing we can do", how gratifying it is to those of us outside those cultures to read that that Shafilea's parents were convicted for her death. (She had brought dishonour to the family... groan!) Would they have gotten their just desserts if her sister hadn't finally found the courage to speak up and tell the court what really happened? No, they would have gotten away with murder, just as those of us who suffered incest and sexual abuse for years allowed our violators, many of whom were parents and relatives, to get away with what they were doing. Remember, silence is consent.

As long as we adhere to the view that "there's nothing we can do about it" or are too afraid to face the horrid memories or too ashamed to tell others about it, we live under a rock of silence that buries us deeper year after year. We cannot and must not do that to ourselves. We must come OUT FROM UNDER and speak up, share our stories with the world. There are so many like us! Perhaps all they need is a nudge ... a nudge that comes from blogs like this one, or El's blog HERE to begin to open up and get that 10-ton rock off their chests. 

I'm doing it. You can too. Help others do for themselves what must be done if they are to move on and become whole again. On the upper right hand side of this blog I have posted a poll that asks the question: "What is holding you back from talking about your own incest story?" Multiple answers are allowed. This is not a contest. It's merely a poll. Your identity remains a secret. Tell us why you aren't COMING OUT FROM UNDER. Thanks for participating.

I'd also love to hear your comments on the photo above. Do you think "culture" justifies what you see there?