THE DOMINO EFFECT of #INCEST and #CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE

"My mom's first cousins were all abused by their father, and apparently the oldest daughter had sex with by him till into her 20s. She's so messed up now. Denies it all, can't talk about it, but is a mental mess. 

Her two sons (who were brought up in the home of their paedo grandfather) go with anyone - male, female, black, white, whatever age, just anyone they can get their hands on. The oldest is a suicidal alcoholic. 

Their mother and the two of them all still live together and have no money. They live in this ramshackle place and eek out a living. It breaks my heart that they can't break the cycle of shame and face the facts. 

And that eldest daughter's brother? He is an abuser too of young girls and his daughter VIGOROUSLY defends her father and lies to cover up for him. 

So sad."

Sad? It's more than sad. It's downright horrible, this domino effect that childhood sexual abuse and incest has on families, and not just immediately, but for generations!  It undermines and tears at the very concept of what a family is supposed to be: a place of comfort, support and above all, love for, and trust in every member of that family. How can children grow into a normal, functioning, productive human beings when memories of abuse by a parent colour all their perceptions, interactions, and relationships with other people,  and eventually their own children, for years to come. How can they ever be "normal"? How?!

And why does it happen? It happens because somewhere along the line an adult told his son or daughter that what daddy was doing was okay. He told them everyone was doing it. Or he warned them not to tell others and used threats of pain, beatings or even death to enforce that secrecy. Or he manipulated their young, impressionable and naive minds with clever words, telling them no-one would believe them anyway. Or he sucked them in so cleverly saying this was love and daddy loves you, and thereby molded that child into his unspeaking, obedient, frightened and insecure puppet who believed this love was better than no love. Because LOVE is what all children want and need above all else and they will do what is necessary, put up with whatever they have to, to get it. It's human nature.

When members of my group share information like what's in that opening quote, when personal friends, who are not victims, write to me and say, as one did this past week after seeing the planned cover for my book, NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER: 

"I went to your blog out of curiosity and got a severe, and lasting lesson in reality in human depravity. Apart from your own story, I found one of the stories there totally shocking. All stories of incest are all shocking, of course, but  'Nikki's Story' just broke my heart. Maybe it is typical of the horrendous experiences that some boys and girl are forced to go through. I don't know. I haven't really read any detailed incest stories because it is not a subject matter that attracts me for a read. Whatever the degree of the molestation that all victims have had to deal with in their young lives, 'Nikki's Story' must surely be one of most heart rending. I am amazed that children so young can somehow deal with what is happening to them."

then all the more I am encouraged in my resolve to finish my book, my true story of incest, written and published. We MUST talk about incest! We must refuse to stay silent any longer. Our own silence is aiding and abetting the abusers, many of whom, like the member above stated in that opening quote, go on to abuse others: the domino effect of incest and child sexual abuse. 

This domino effect can only be stopped or at least curtailed, by coming out from under incest and speaking out from under the child sexual abuse in families, and the earlier the better. And yet, as I say that, I'm reminded of another comment made by a member this past week who lamented

"Children are told to tell an adult, a teacher or the other parent if someone touches them in a way that makes them uncomfortable. But how can they do that when they no longer trust adults, or worse yet, when one of the parents is the abuser?"

How indeed!

As my friend who wrote to me said, and I agree with him 100%: 

" ...  this subject, your book, and the strong incestuous character that seems so prevalent in the human race, demands a high profile exposure. It is the last taboo subject, and it is now time for the stone of indifference to be turned over and the sordid truth about some human adults revealed for all to see. The human race will never evolve, or even mature, if this awful aspect of mankind is not addressed."

The only way I can see for us to overturn that stone of indifference is SPEAK UP ABOUT OUR OWN CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE!  And it's up to us, the victims, to do that. We are our own best resource for fighting this depravity. It is we, the victims, who have the best weapons: our voices! Speak out from under. Tell your stories. NOW!  

"1 in 4 Girls will be Sexually Abused by age 18. 1 in 6 Boys will be Sexually Abused by age 18. 90,000 cases are reported each year. 90% of the time the Child knows the perpetrator. 117 Victims will be Assaulted before the Child Molester is caught..."

"VICTIM'S VOICES ARE THE BEST WEAPONS AGAINST CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE"

©Viga Boland 2013, NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER

THE INFINITE CURSE OF #INCEST and #CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE

While my husband and I were discussing titles for my upcoming book about incest the other  day, I shared with him some of the heartaches I hear coming from members of my private Facebook Group, SPEAK OUT FROM UNDER CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE IN FAMILIES. 

Honestly, it is sometimes so painful to hear what victims of incest have suffered at the hands of fathers, brothers, mothers, uncles and others. What's even more painful is hearing how hard it is for them to now speak up, to name their abusers, primarily for fear of what friends, family and even loved ones say when they listen to their stories. They get everything from "I'm so sorry for you but you must move on and just forget about it" to "Don't! Don't dare disgrace our family by talking about this!" or even "I don't believe you. You're making it all up. Why would your father or brother do that! How could you let it happen?"

And so, victims of childhood sexual abuse are re-victimized over and over again by their friends and loved ones who care more about keeping everything hidden and quiet than about the victim or about  exposing someone who most likely has gone on to abuse others, or in some cases, is so high profile, no-one dares say anything for fear of reprisal. How fair is that? Worse yet, how can such victims heal when, even if they share their stories, they can't name their abusers? They know by not doing so, they are, as it were, assisting a criminal in continuing to hurt others. Their burden of guilt and shame for their past and now their present silence is doubled. Healing cannot ever really take place under such constraints.

So while I write and edit my book in the hopes it will help to encourage others to come and speak out from under childhood sexual abuse and incest, I realize how much easier it must seem for me to do this NOW. My abuser is long dead. So is his wife, my mom. I have no sisters or brothers or other living relatives on my side who can make me keep my mouth shut. There is, of course, my husband and my children, and my husband's extended family which is large. They could be uncomfortable by my revelation, but again, I'm lucky: they have encouraged me to do this and the extended family doesn't even live in the same country as we do. So one could say, "sure, it's easy for YOU to do now."

Well you know what? Not really. It's not easy at all because there's nothing easy about your friends and your children's friends knowing that you had sex with your father, your children's grandfather!  Even more, how do you explain that this wasn't a one-time thing? Rape is horrid, but it's usually a one-time thing and no-one can or should blame the victim. But incest that goes on for years and years? That's repeated rape but what's an outsider to think? Most will say, if it was that bad, how could you let him rape you year in and year out? Even my husband, who I know loves and believes me when I say this was not my idea or desire, said to me when we had that chat:

"Yes, how do you explain incest that goes for years, or, as in your case, incest that started when you were almost 12?"

When he said that, I couldn't help but wonder if there was doubt of my innocence even in his mind? Though he's never said it, I'm sure he's puzzled as to why I let it go on for so long, why I didn't up and run away, why I didn't turn my father in, etc etc. And those are very understandable questions to which, sadly, there are no easy or quick answers but which I hope will come clear in my book. Yes, it does look like somehow I might have condoned it, even possibly liked it to have let it go on for 12 years, and, yes, after all, I was old enough to understand what he was doing and how wrong it was when he began. No, I wasn't an infant, or even a 5 or 7-year-old who couldn't have invited the sexual abuse. I was nearly a woman myself! So then, now, I too must prepare myself for the non-believers, those who will accuse me of being as guilty as my father was, of enjoying it, of aiding and abetting him in his crime against me.

Perhaps I will live to regret that I told my story, but I'm willing to take that risk because my story must be told: only by doing so, can the non-believers, the accusers come just a little closer to understanding how something like this could go on for years, and how, I was, and still am, blameless.

To do that, my story must begin, as it does, at the beginning, with my childhood, so one can see and sense the growing fear a child develops of a controlling father who can cleverly manipulate your thoughts with his words and actions, a fear so strong that in the end you do whatever you are told to do for fear of your sanity and your life. That is the curse of incest and child sexual abuse, regardless of when it starts.

And that curse never fully goes away.