Book Review: BEYOND THE TEARS by Lynn C. Tolson: #incest

My first encounter with Lynn C Tolson was actually on Facebook. As I became involved in groups and pages about childhood sexual abuse, Lynn's name kept popping up everywhere. Who was this woman? My research revealed she was an author, herself once a victim of sexual abuse, and currently a social worker and speaker who gives a great deal of her time and self to helping other victims, both on and offline. I got the impression she was well-known and I felt dwarfed by her achievements. But at that point, she was still just a name with a nice Facebook photo. 

Now, having read Lynn's book, if it were possible, the one thing I'd love to do is meet her in person. I want to meet this woman who at the opening of her book was on her way to commit suicide. She'd had it! She couldn't take any more. She hauled into a motel, swallowed all the pills she could find and waited for death to come. But life wasn't done with her yet because she had a mission to fulfill: to heal from her own devastating and lonely past; to conquer her drug-addicted lifestyle; to rid herself of an older husband who was using her low self-esteem to victimize her further, and ultimately to share her path to recovery with the thousands of other victims out there who might also think that taking their own lives is the only solution. Thank heaven Lynn's attempt to end it all failed or Beyond the Tears wouldn't have been written.  

The one thing that stood out for me as I got further and further into Lynn's story of sexual abuse by both her schizophrenic biological father, and later, by her older brother, was her extreme isolation, even as a young child, in a family of several members. Like all victims of sexual abuse, she couldn't  bring herself to tell her own mother of the abuse. Why? Because her mother was too delicate, too fragile. So to save her mother from heartache, she let her own heart ache with her ugly secret. Intimidated by her step-father, confused by her own father, ignored by her mother and scorned and berated by her abusive brother, Lynn wandered through her teens dulling her pain on street drugs. She watched a soul-mate die from an overdose and still couldn't help herself. After compounding the mess of her life by marrying a mentally and verbally abusive husband, suicide seemed the only out till fate stepped in. Lynn met Karen and with love, caring and wise counsel, Karen got Lynn to open up and tell all.

As all abuse victims come to realiize sooner or later, healing begins in finally telling someone, but it is journalling, writing, that ultimately closes the wounds. Karen encouraged Lynn to do that. Lynn took another 20 years before putting pen to paper and further heal, but it is her readers, especially those who are victims of childhood sexual abuse who benefit from her writing.  Lynn not only shares her life with us in an easy to read, semi-fictional style, but she peppers her story with insights and reflections on the personalities of her family and how they contributed to her isolation, an isolation I sense she still feels today but is able to live with.  Every so often, she throws in some touching poetry that is short and poignant. And by sharing Karen's words of counsel and wisdom with us, Lynn offers the reader concepts that truly help one heal. 

If there's one thing I love about the internet and social networking sites like Facebook, it's that it clarifies perceptions we form of people when we only meet them in print, as in their blogs, poems or books. Read their words and you form a picture of them. Look at their photos and we see what the words don't show. Listen to their voices, as I did recently in a blog talk show with Lynn and the image sharpens. Watch a video (Lynn has one on her own blog site at http://beyondthetears.blogspot.ca, and you suddenly know a lot more about this person who till now was just a name on a book.

Getting to know Lynn C Tolson begins with reading BEYOND THE TEARS, but don't stop there! Visit her blog, read her posts, check out her other reviews and videos at Goodreads, and come to know this strong woman who was once a victim of child sexual abuse but is today a survivor and thriver. As Karen told her: "When you lose your identity as a victim, you gain an identity as a survivor". BEYOND THE TEARS is a guide to doing just that. 

WHAT THE BOOK, "NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER", IS NOT!

When you write a book as close to your heart, to your whole essence in fact, on a subject as sensitive and hidden as incest as I have done in "NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER" it's similar to taking off all your clothes and walking naked down the busiest street in town: the internet. You don't know if baring your soul, telling your truth, exposing your sordid past in such graphic detail will bring praise for your courage or condemnation for your failure to act years ago. But you do it anyway, hoping that by doing so you might encourage some other victim to do likewise.

That's how I approached writing this book. And as I say on my website, there are those who should read it and those who shouldn't.

After receiving a review on Goodreads from a reader that left me feeling a little flat, I've decided that I now need to add another category to "who shouldn't read this book". The reader/reviewer gave the book a 4-star rating and left some very positive comments which I appreciated. But she also said she felt let down as I did not go into more detail about how I recovered from years of abuse.

I need to address this: NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER is not a self-help book and was never intended as one.  It's not therapy for the sexually abused. I am not qualified to write such a book. I cannot even begin to explain how I recovered over the 40 or so years after I was finally away from my abuser, my father. All I know is I embraced the chance life had finally given me to enjoy it with my new husband and I couldn't enjoy it by living in and forever remembering my abusive past.

I also knew I had to make up for a lot of lost time: my father had stolen my teen years ... all of them. I'd missed out on so much being isolated by him and not allowed to live a normal life. Once away, I have spent the rest of my life catching up, trying to do everything he never allowed me to do. And again, how could I do that if I was forever remembering, agonizing, flashing back?

Please don't think for a moment that I didn't have down times. Of course I did. I still cried when I was alone, wanted to scream and yell when I got angry at anyone ... my husband, even my lovely children ... and I still had to hold myself back and not want to end my life from time to time. But something, the survivor in me, said NO, my life is worth so much more. There was some reason I had been freed from my hell and I was going to find out what it was.  In time, I did:

Reason #1: To ensure that my husband and girls had a good life and that we grew in love as a family, I had to grow out of hate and anger. I had to focus on the gain, and not the pain.

Reason #2: To eventually write my book, NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER, so I could encourage others to speak out from under their own hellish past of sexual abuse.

You see, I did achieve what I set out to do with this book: it was always, first and foremost, a story ... my story ... my own true story of incest. It was never meant to be a book like "THE COURAGE TO HEAL", which I strongly recommend, by the way. And there are many more such books on the market, written by qualified people.

So, if you want a book geared toward helping you recover from childhood sexual abuse,
NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER, is not what you're looking for. But if you are looking to learn about this hideous, hidden sickness happening in so many homes and want to get into the mind and manipulative skills of an abusive parent and understand what it does to a child for years after, then you will find this book interesting, eye-opening, along with disturbing and infuriating as so many readers have said. And if you are a victim who isn't looking for my book to heal you, but to encourage you to speak out from under, then this book is a must-read.

And it's now available in both printed and e-Book form directly from my website at THIS LINK.

WHO SHOULD READ THIS BOOK?

1) Those who truly care about children’s welfare and wants to know the truth about what can and does go on in thousands of families worldwide. These readers want to understand how incest affects children as they grow into adulthood and what the long-lasting effects of incest can be like.

2) Those who are in denial and refuse to believe this kind of child sexual abuse actually occurs at the hands of fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers, aunts and uncles and other close family relatives

WHO SHOULDN’T READ THIS BOOK?

1) Those who think incest is an acceptable and enjoyable activity between family members

2) Those who think this is another “Fifty Shades of Gray” and are looking for sexual stimulation via books

3) Those who are still very raw in their own healing and recovery from incest and could be easily triggered by the graphic scenes and language

4) Those who are looking for a book on recovery and self-help in healing from abuse

THE DOMINO EFFECT of #INCEST and #CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE

"My mom's first cousins were all abused by their father, and apparently the oldest daughter had sex with by him till into her 20s. She's so messed up now. Denies it all, can't talk about it, but is a mental mess. 

Her two sons (who were brought up in the home of their paedo grandfather) go with anyone - male, female, black, white, whatever age, just anyone they can get their hands on. The oldest is a suicidal alcoholic. 

Their mother and the two of them all still live together and have no money. They live in this ramshackle place and eek out a living. It breaks my heart that they can't break the cycle of shame and face the facts. 

And that eldest daughter's brother? He is an abuser too of young girls and his daughter VIGOROUSLY defends her father and lies to cover up for him. 

So sad."

Sad? It's more than sad. It's downright horrible, this domino effect that childhood sexual abuse and incest has on families, and not just immediately, but for generations!  It undermines and tears at the very concept of what a family is supposed to be: a place of comfort, support and above all, love for, and trust in every member of that family. How can children grow into a normal, functioning, productive human beings when memories of abuse by a parent colour all their perceptions, interactions, and relationships with other people,  and eventually their own children, for years to come. How can they ever be "normal"? How?!

And why does it happen? It happens because somewhere along the line an adult told his son or daughter that what daddy was doing was okay. He told them everyone was doing it. Or he warned them not to tell others and used threats of pain, beatings or even death to enforce that secrecy. Or he manipulated their young, impressionable and naive minds with clever words, telling them no-one would believe them anyway. Or he sucked them in so cleverly saying this was love and daddy loves you, and thereby molded that child into his unspeaking, obedient, frightened and insecure puppet who believed this love was better than no love. Because LOVE is what all children want and need above all else and they will do what is necessary, put up with whatever they have to, to get it. It's human nature.

When members of my group share information like what's in that opening quote, when personal friends, who are not victims, write to me and say, as one did this past week after seeing the planned cover for my book, NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER: 

"I went to your blog out of curiosity and got a severe, and lasting lesson in reality in human depravity. Apart from your own story, I found one of the stories there totally shocking. All stories of incest are all shocking, of course, but  'Nikki's Story' just broke my heart. Maybe it is typical of the horrendous experiences that some boys and girl are forced to go through. I don't know. I haven't really read any detailed incest stories because it is not a subject matter that attracts me for a read. Whatever the degree of the molestation that all victims have had to deal with in their young lives, 'Nikki's Story' must surely be one of most heart rending. I am amazed that children so young can somehow deal with what is happening to them."

then all the more I am encouraged in my resolve to finish my book, my true story of incest, written and published. We MUST talk about incest! We must refuse to stay silent any longer. Our own silence is aiding and abetting the abusers, many of whom, like the member above stated in that opening quote, go on to abuse others: the domino effect of incest and child sexual abuse. 

This domino effect can only be stopped or at least curtailed, by coming out from under incest and speaking out from under the child sexual abuse in families, and the earlier the better. And yet, as I say that, I'm reminded of another comment made by a member this past week who lamented

"Children are told to tell an adult, a teacher or the other parent if someone touches them in a way that makes them uncomfortable. But how can they do that when they no longer trust adults, or worse yet, when one of the parents is the abuser?"

How indeed!

As my friend who wrote to me said, and I agree with him 100%: 

" ...  this subject, your book, and the strong incestuous character that seems so prevalent in the human race, demands a high profile exposure. It is the last taboo subject, and it is now time for the stone of indifference to be turned over and the sordid truth about some human adults revealed for all to see. The human race will never evolve, or even mature, if this awful aspect of mankind is not addressed."

The only way I can see for us to overturn that stone of indifference is SPEAK UP ABOUT OUR OWN CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE!  And it's up to us, the victims, to do that. We are our own best resource for fighting this depravity. It is we, the victims, who have the best weapons: our voices! Speak out from under. Tell your stories. NOW!  

"1 in 4 Girls will be Sexually Abused by age 18. 1 in 6 Boys will be Sexually Abused by age 18. 90,000 cases are reported each year. 90% of the time the Child knows the perpetrator. 117 Victims will be Assaulted before the Child Molester is caught..."

"VICTIM'S VOICES ARE THE BEST WEAPONS AGAINST CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE"

©Viga Boland 2013, NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER