Book Review: BEYOND THE TEARS by Lynn C. Tolson: #incest

My first encounter with Lynn C Tolson was actually on Facebook. As I became involved in groups and pages about childhood sexual abuse, Lynn's name kept popping up everywhere. Who was this woman? My research revealed she was an author, herself once a victim of sexual abuse, and currently a social worker and speaker who gives a great deal of her time and self to helping other victims, both on and offline. I got the impression she was well-known and I felt dwarfed by her achievements. But at that point, she was still just a name with a nice Facebook photo. 

Now, having read Lynn's book, if it were possible, the one thing I'd love to do is meet her in person. I want to meet this woman who at the opening of her book was on her way to commit suicide. She'd had it! She couldn't take any more. She hauled into a motel, swallowed all the pills she could find and waited for death to come. But life wasn't done with her yet because she had a mission to fulfill: to heal from her own devastating and lonely past; to conquer her drug-addicted lifestyle; to rid herself of an older husband who was using her low self-esteem to victimize her further, and ultimately to share her path to recovery with the thousands of other victims out there who might also think that taking their own lives is the only solution. Thank heaven Lynn's attempt to end it all failed or Beyond the Tears wouldn't have been written.  

The one thing that stood out for me as I got further and further into Lynn's story of sexual abuse by both her schizophrenic biological father, and later, by her older brother, was her extreme isolation, even as a young child, in a family of several members. Like all victims of sexual abuse, she couldn't  bring herself to tell her own mother of the abuse. Why? Because her mother was too delicate, too fragile. So to save her mother from heartache, she let her own heart ache with her ugly secret. Intimidated by her step-father, confused by her own father, ignored by her mother and scorned and berated by her abusive brother, Lynn wandered through her teens dulling her pain on street drugs. She watched a soul-mate die from an overdose and still couldn't help herself. After compounding the mess of her life by marrying a mentally and verbally abusive husband, suicide seemed the only out till fate stepped in. Lynn met Karen and with love, caring and wise counsel, Karen got Lynn to open up and tell all.

As all abuse victims come to realiize sooner or later, healing begins in finally telling someone, but it is journalling, writing, that ultimately closes the wounds. Karen encouraged Lynn to do that. Lynn took another 20 years before putting pen to paper and further heal, but it is her readers, especially those who are victims of childhood sexual abuse who benefit from her writing.  Lynn not only shares her life with us in an easy to read, semi-fictional style, but she peppers her story with insights and reflections on the personalities of her family and how they contributed to her isolation, an isolation I sense she still feels today but is able to live with.  Every so often, she throws in some touching poetry that is short and poignant. And by sharing Karen's words of counsel and wisdom with us, Lynn offers the reader concepts that truly help one heal. 

If there's one thing I love about the internet and social networking sites like Facebook, it's that it clarifies perceptions we form of people when we only meet them in print, as in their blogs, poems or books. Read their words and you form a picture of them. Look at their photos and we see what the words don't show. Listen to their voices, as I did recently in a blog talk show with Lynn and the image sharpens. Watch a video (Lynn has one on her own blog site at http://beyondthetears.blogspot.ca, and you suddenly know a lot more about this person who till now was just a name on a book.

Getting to know Lynn C Tolson begins with reading BEYOND THE TEARS, but don't stop there! Visit her blog, read her posts, check out her other reviews and videos at Goodreads, and come to know this strong woman who was once a victim of child sexual abuse but is today a survivor and thriver. As Karen told her: "When you lose your identity as a victim, you gain an identity as a survivor". BEYOND THE TEARS is a guide to doing just that. 

WHEN YOU FIND THE COURAGE TO SPEAK UP ABOUT ABUSE, IT'S AMAZING WHAT HAPPENS!

To those of you who have kindly subscribed to this blog .. then wondered where I am ... I'm here and feeling awesome! I feel awesome because this is probably the best thing I've ever done for myself: speaking out about my own sexual abuse and in the process, discovering so many wonderful women (and men!) whose stories are similar to mine and who, like me, are trying to turn something so negative into a big positive. And they are succeeding!

Over the past week, I've discovered Patricia Singleton, whose blog posts, like this one about learning to love yourself after abuse, offer comfort and inspiration. Patricia should know: like so many of us, she too has suffered at the hands of a sexual abuser. Then there's Lynn Tolson, whose books are helping so many others as she speaks out about her own abuse. I could go on listing one after another: I had no idea that many people are blogging about their abuse. You'll find links to some of these in my BLOGROLL on the right-hand side. I can't stress enough how important and helpful it is to read the posts by these victim/survivors. You might say you don't want to hear or read more: it brings up too many bad memories. To that, I can only offer the little poem I penned this afternoon while thinking about this very thing. You'll find it at the end of this blog.

It's also gratifying to see the membership on my Facebook page, OUT FROM UNDER, growing daily as I share relevant graphics posted by others or designed by myself. Folks love sharing these. Those who need them are comforted by them. Others are forced to think about them and face their own reality, painful as it might be. This IS necessary if we are to heal.

And best of all for me is that this voyage of self-discovery and disccovery of others has got my writing mind into gear after years of silence. So many times I've wanted to write, but I'm not a fiction writer. I can only write what I truly know ... and my own story is what I know best. Now that I've begun, I don't want to stop. I have other things that must be done but I'm finally making room and time for myself. Do you know how good that feels? I cannot encourage those of you who visit this page, my facebook page or simply lurk trying to get up the courage to tell your story, to just go and do it! It's truly amazing how good it can feel when you finally come out from under!

It's too easy when you're obsessed with a subject like incest, especially your own, to spend too much time on the negatives and to convey too many negative messages to your readers. I don't want to do that with every one of my blog posts, as much as I want to share my story with you. That you can read when I finally finish writing that book. So in the meantime, let me leave you now with that little poem I mentioned. Please share it, and this blog, with others whom you feel need to hear its message. And thanks for reading today's post.

COME OUT FROM UNDER

Yes, you must face the pain

But reliving it again and again

Wallowing in despair gets you nowhere

except further under

You know you want to tell

You've tried to for many years

You start to speak, then shut your mouth

And your face dissolves in tears 

of fear and self-loathing

But this has to stop!

The abuser should feel the shame

The abuser should wear the guilt

The abuser is to blame 

for what you feel

Reach out to those who care

Love yourself that much! 

Let their open arms embrace you 

And heal you with their touch

COME OUT FROM UNDER

                      

                           ©Viga Boland 2012