TAKING ON TOO MUCH? BURNING OUT? WHY?

I'm bracing myself for tomorrow. Tomorrow, my free time comes to a halt as the children return to school and I resume daily, and every 2 weeks, nightly care of my grand-daughter. From tomorrow on, it's get her to school at 8:30am, pick her up at 2:45 pm, give her that afternoon snack, stay on her  to get her to do her homework before taking her back to her mom's at 6pm. And there goes the day.

For me, that means all the additional projects I took on over the summer i.e. writing my book, "Coming Out from Under", this blog (and several others!), my Facebook group at OUT FROM UNDER, and my online jewelry business/hobby are going to be limited to a 51/2 hour block of time daily ... and that's between trying to get in a workout swim 3 times a week, a daily workout walk, preparing meals ... not to mention time for simply resting. What is it with me? Why do I take on so much?

I've always been like this. I truly don't know how not to keep busy. It's almost like I'm afraid to have time on my hands. Why? I've come to realize that it's coupled with my need to feel wanted, my never-ending need for approval.  So many years of trying to please a man who wanted so much more than he had the right to ask, so many years of hoping what I was doing was enough has left me permanently trying to please everybody everywhere. It's a hard road to walk. It's tiring, draining. But ironically, it's also fulfilling when you know someone is benefitting from the help you are giving.

One of my fellow-survivors complained of the same thing this morning on Facebook. She is burning herself out, taking on way too much. I can sense she's angry with herself for doing it, but like me, she has that deep-seated need for acceptance and approval. And when that acceptance or approval comes, oh how good we feel. How we glow! Someone loves us. Someone thinks we're great. Daddy approves. Daddy isn't angry with us. Daddy might not hurt me this time because I was his good little girl ...

I've met others like me. They work round the clock, attend every function going on to show their support of other's endeavours even when they're exhausted, always putting others before themselves. This is what abuse has taught them to do. It's how they've survived. It's how they feel good about themselves.

And so we go on, addicted to being busy, addicted to taking on too much because we fear the times in between being busy, when we're not feeling useful or good for something or somebody. Like I said, it's a tough road to walk and it's exhausting. But somehow, it also fills a huge hole inside us.

I really envy another lady who recently mentioned to me how she copes with being abused. Unlike me trying to please everyone, she doesn't give a damn. She won't let anyone walk over her, tell her what to do or where to go. She's feisty. She also never stops being busy, taking on too much.

What about you, dear reader? Is there a pattern here? Are you like this too ... always putting your fingers in too many pies just to feel appreciated, wanted, loved? Or have you even ever analyzed, as I am doing here, why you are this way? I'd really love to hear your thoughts on this.

It's labour day. Today we are supposed to rest from our labours. Are you resting or are you, like me, trying to get everything done before tomorrow ... and the next tomorrow... and the next tomorrow...

WHEN YOU FIND THE COURAGE TO SPEAK UP ABOUT ABUSE, IT'S AMAZING WHAT HAPPENS!

To those of you who have kindly subscribed to this blog .. then wondered where I am ... I'm here and feeling awesome! I feel awesome because this is probably the best thing I've ever done for myself: speaking out about my own sexual abuse and in the process, discovering so many wonderful women (and men!) whose stories are similar to mine and who, like me, are trying to turn something so negative into a big positive. And they are succeeding!

Over the past week, I've discovered Patricia Singleton, whose blog posts, like this one about learning to love yourself after abuse, offer comfort and inspiration. Patricia should know: like so many of us, she too has suffered at the hands of a sexual abuser. Then there's Lynn Tolson, whose books are helping so many others as she speaks out about her own abuse. I could go on listing one after another: I had no idea that many people are blogging about their abuse. You'll find links to some of these in my BLOGROLL on the right-hand side. I can't stress enough how important and helpful it is to read the posts by these victim/survivors. You might say you don't want to hear or read more: it brings up too many bad memories. To that, I can only offer the little poem I penned this afternoon while thinking about this very thing. You'll find it at the end of this blog.

It's also gratifying to see the membership on my Facebook page, OUT FROM UNDER, growing daily as I share relevant graphics posted by others or designed by myself. Folks love sharing these. Those who need them are comforted by them. Others are forced to think about them and face their own reality, painful as it might be. This IS necessary if we are to heal.

And best of all for me is that this voyage of self-discovery and disccovery of others has got my writing mind into gear after years of silence. So many times I've wanted to write, but I'm not a fiction writer. I can only write what I truly know ... and my own story is what I know best. Now that I've begun, I don't want to stop. I have other things that must be done but I'm finally making room and time for myself. Do you know how good that feels? I cannot encourage those of you who visit this page, my facebook page or simply lurk trying to get up the courage to tell your story, to just go and do it! It's truly amazing how good it can feel when you finally come out from under!

It's too easy when you're obsessed with a subject like incest, especially your own, to spend too much time on the negatives and to convey too many negative messages to your readers. I don't want to do that with every one of my blog posts, as much as I want to share my story with you. That you can read when I finally finish writing that book. So in the meantime, let me leave you now with that little poem I mentioned. Please share it, and this blog, with others whom you feel need to hear its message. And thanks for reading today's post.

COME OUT FROM UNDER

Yes, you must face the pain

But reliving it again and again

Wallowing in despair gets you nowhere

except further under

You know you want to tell

You've tried to for many years

You start to speak, then shut your mouth

And your face dissolves in tears 

of fear and self-loathing

But this has to stop!

The abuser should feel the shame

The abuser should wear the guilt

The abuser is to blame 

for what you feel

Reach out to those who care

Love yourself that much! 

Let their open arms embrace you 

And heal you with their touch

COME OUT FROM UNDER

                      

                           ©Viga Boland 2012