IS JUSTICE FOR VICTIMS OF #INCEST and CHILD #SEXUAL ABUSE POSSIBLE?

Some time ago, I came across an incredibly informative op-ed by Ruth Hull, on Digital Journal. Ruth began her article with these words hit me like a brick in the face:

"The easiest way to gain custody of your kid is to rape the child. If you molest your child, your chances of gaining custody go up to 85 percent."

She expanded on this by adding:

"In the past nine months, 75 kids were murdered by their dads during custody battles — and the family courts [are} doing little to stop it.

Wyatt Garcia was born in April 2009. Nine months later, he was shot and killed by his father, who then turned the gun on himself. It might have turned out differently — if a family-court judge had listened to Wyatt’s mother."

Now I'm not going to copy and paste Ruth's entire article here because I'm hoping you'll go over and read it yourself. If you are a victim of incest contemplating taking your abuser to court, or a parent desperate to get justice for your child who has been sexually abused by your partner or other family member, you MUST read Ruth's well-researched article and watch the videos she has included with her op-ed. I was floored, and I think you will be too.  What I learned about the court system, at least in the US, and I have no reason to think it's different elsewhere, was horrifying.

According to Judge Deann Salcido (support her efforts on Facebook!), as a young judge she was trained, along with other judges, to be suspicious, very suspicious of women claiming abuse of any kind during a divorce.  This attitude was based on the possibility that the woman ... and it was generally always aimed at the female in the divorce case, might just be being vindictive or angry because her husband or partner has moved on with someone else etc. Judge Deann followed this mantra to the letter and then says she made a terrible mistake. In one divorce case where the mother, Joyce Murphy, claimed the father was sexually abusing their daughter, she ruled against the mother and gave custody to the father, Bud Parsons. Parsons was later convicted for sexually molesting two young teenaged girls, friends of his daughter! Judge Deann never forgave herself for the mistake she made and has since, become a "whistle-blower" about what really goes on in the courts. If you don't go over and read Ruth Hull's article, at least watch this video where Judge Deann tells us about this:


Ever since I watched this, I've wanted to share this with my subscribers and all who care about child sexual abuse. It won't make them happy.  It won't make them less bitter about what they have endured or are enduring in the courts. In fact, it'll probably make them twice as angry when they see how the system is working against them.  But it might help them understand why and how this is happening.

I hear time and time again in my private Facebook group for incest survivors how the courts are failing and have failed victims of child sexual abuse and the parents trying to get some justice for them. They share how the abusers are getting away with the abuse, how difficult it is to be believed when they do go to the police, and even if they do manage to take the case to court, the sentences are so light as to be ridiculous and the victims continue to live in fear of the day the abuser is back on the streets and can get to them. And in the meantime, scores of sexually abused children will spend years, decades, trying to cope with the horrific memories, their shame, their insecurities, their feelings of worthlessness, of being dirty, of being the ones to blame! What kind of justice is this?!

When and if you watch this video, and I hope you do, you will learn more that is even more shocking regarding how CPS and probably most child protective services in all countries are failing the abused children when they investigate the cases in the first place because of their own fears of being sued. Other issues involved are the almighty dollar, the costs involved in removing children from abusive homes and placing them in foster care. All of it, is more important than the minds, hearts and souls of the children being abused. It breaks my heart to hear this. I'm sure you'll feel likewise.

I welcome your comments, your thoughts, your indignation, and your own stories of how the courts have failed you or someone you know. Just as I dared in my book, NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER, to speak my own truth about incest because silence is deadly, people like Judge Deann Salcido are speaking out from under. She's taken a risk, as we all do, when we blow the whistle on the real criminals in our society. She's one gutsy lady and I'm sure she's made lots of enemies and perhaps even put herself in danger. But when you believe in doing what's right, you do it. I hope you'll "LIKE" her Facebook page. If you're reading this, it's most likely because YOU need people like her. She's working for YOU.

PLEASE NOTE: if you are wanting a signed, printed copy of my book, NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER, please use the CONTACT PAGE on my website as we are having a temporary problem with the e-commerce processing on the site. This is the only place online to purchase the printed book. e-Book versions are available from the following online distributors:

SMASHWORDS, AMAZON, iTUNES, BARNES & NOBLE , SONY eBook Store, as well as my personal website.

NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER is also available at these Ontario Libraries: HAMILTON, CAMBRIDGE, MISSISSAUGA, GRAND VALLEY and TORONTO.

TAKING ON TOO MUCH? BURNING OUT? WHY?

I'm bracing myself for tomorrow. Tomorrow, my free time comes to a halt as the children return to school and I resume daily, and every 2 weeks, nightly care of my grand-daughter. From tomorrow on, it's get her to school at 8:30am, pick her up at 2:45 pm, give her that afternoon snack, stay on her  to get her to do her homework before taking her back to her mom's at 6pm. And there goes the day.

For me, that means all the additional projects I took on over the summer i.e. writing my book, "Coming Out from Under", this blog (and several others!), my Facebook group at OUT FROM UNDER, and my online jewelry business/hobby are going to be limited to a 51/2 hour block of time daily ... and that's between trying to get in a workout swim 3 times a week, a daily workout walk, preparing meals ... not to mention time for simply resting. What is it with me? Why do I take on so much?

I've always been like this. I truly don't know how not to keep busy. It's almost like I'm afraid to have time on my hands. Why? I've come to realize that it's coupled with my need to feel wanted, my never-ending need for approval.  So many years of trying to please a man who wanted so much more than he had the right to ask, so many years of hoping what I was doing was enough has left me permanently trying to please everybody everywhere. It's a hard road to walk. It's tiring, draining. But ironically, it's also fulfilling when you know someone is benefitting from the help you are giving.

One of my fellow-survivors complained of the same thing this morning on Facebook. She is burning herself out, taking on way too much. I can sense she's angry with herself for doing it, but like me, she has that deep-seated need for acceptance and approval. And when that acceptance or approval comes, oh how good we feel. How we glow! Someone loves us. Someone thinks we're great. Daddy approves. Daddy isn't angry with us. Daddy might not hurt me this time because I was his good little girl ...

I've met others like me. They work round the clock, attend every function going on to show their support of other's endeavours even when they're exhausted, always putting others before themselves. This is what abuse has taught them to do. It's how they've survived. It's how they feel good about themselves.

And so we go on, addicted to being busy, addicted to taking on too much because we fear the times in between being busy, when we're not feeling useful or good for something or somebody. Like I said, it's a tough road to walk and it's exhausting. But somehow, it also fills a huge hole inside us.

I really envy another lady who recently mentioned to me how she copes with being abused. Unlike me trying to please everyone, she doesn't give a damn. She won't let anyone walk over her, tell her what to do or where to go. She's feisty. She also never stops being busy, taking on too much.

What about you, dear reader? Is there a pattern here? Are you like this too ... always putting your fingers in too many pies just to feel appreciated, wanted, loved? Or have you even ever analyzed, as I am doing here, why you are this way? I'd really love to hear your thoughts on this.

It's labour day. Today we are supposed to rest from our labours. Are you resting or are you, like me, trying to get everything done before tomorrow ... and the next tomorrow... and the next tomorrow...

YOUNG MALE VICTIMS OF SEXUAL ABUSE SUFFER TOO ... AND HOW!

Yesterday marked a milestone for me. It was simultaneously disturbing but very fulfilling. As a result of my previous day's blog post at http://vigaland.blogspot.ca/2012/08/incest-that-could-never-happen-in-my.html , I was contacted by not one, but two men who were sexually abused as youngsters. This brings to 3 the number of men who have shared their story of abuse with me. I feel so honored to have their trust and support for what I am trying to do. Thank you gentlemen. You know who you are.

One of these men was incredibly brave. He wrote his story on my personal Facebook page in full detail. I cried as I read it. His sordid tale came straight from his heart. What had I unleashed? But it was good. He is now one of the members of my FACEBOOK community group, OUT FROM UNDER, and has kindly given me permission to copy/paste his story here. I have copied and pasted it just as he wrote it, full of emotion and heartache. I can sense his desperate need to be heard, to tell others what happened to him and his relatives too. It may be a little hard to follow, but you will get the gist of it ... and it's not pretty. But it is all real.

This gentleman is the first of the members of either sex of OUT FROM UNDER at FACEBOOK  to speak publicly. I applaud his courage and thank him so much for sharing his story. Here's what David wrote:

 "Viga,,please as I share,,forgive me,,thanks,where I was sent,,as a child,,it was later called " The Doherty Farm of Horrors,,"outside of Portage la Prairie Manitoba,,he was I guess a step father,,he never adopted me,,thank God,,he abused all of us,,me,,his daughters,,and 4 boys,,he beat mother,,into I guess getting his way,,she closed her eyes as he did it to us,,we did sex acts for him,,yes even us boys,,ok,,in the mouth,,etc,,he made older girl pregnant,she ,had daughter of incest,,Helen,,he did sex abuse,,he did beatings,,verbally he was bad,,for example as I was not his kid,,his name for me,,was,,The BASTARD,,ok,,,he did emmotional abuse,,to all,,mentally he had us,,we were wrecks,,his like puppets,,,,,,Viga,,later when many of us went to Child family Services for help,,we were told we made it up,,as some of us left,,I ran away 29 times,,what I and other kids told he did,,we were told kids should listen to the parents,,and not lie,,make stuff up,,in 1995 Aug there was a murder on that farm,,I testified against the bad man,,Earl Doherty.and Earls son,,Clarence Doherty,,a 8 year old boy was hiton head and killed on that farm,,.can you believe it ,,he got off,,,anyways,,many of us,,esp me,,charged him,Earl Doherty,,,RCMP said he was too old,,only get house arrest,,so no justice,,I am post traumatic stress dis orders leading to severe bouts of anxiety and depressions,,I am called,,Multiple personality dis orders,,I am called also by Doctors,,Bi polar,I am dis assocaiative,,??,,I drank,,drugged to forget all my life,,I gave up booze,,Drugs Jan 10 ,1996,after I cut my both arms to the bone,,close to the elbows,,deeps,,and I stabbed my leg,,I was sick an tired of the flash backs,,memmories,,and booze ,,drugs were no longer killing it in my head,,I was sick an tired,,wanted it to end,,as the murder had just happened,,more talk,,more publicity,,so,,,,Viga,,I read really fast,,I have many children in me,,little ones,,ok,,,I love your post,,I loved the videio that girl spoke on and did,,folks want to write about me,,I get scared,,the devil,,bad man,,Earl Doherty died,,my so called mother died,,we,,the brothers,,if thats what you call us,,Clarence,,charged with murder,aug,,1995,Gary,,on skid ,gary is lost,,hopeless,,i find him once a yr,,in Vancouver,,,alvin,,a loner,,divorced,,Brian,,he is totaly goofed up,,he did time in juvenile place,,one girl,,Faye,,went to a woman,,fell in love,,got married,Faye and I visit,,we do not much talk about it,,,Daughter of incest Helen,,hiding out sort of on a rez in Manitoba,,we all rarely communicate,,scared,,embarrased I guess,,???We,,yes all of us divorced ,,some a couple of times,,where was God,,where was my Mohter,,why did no one help us,,no one cared,,every one took us back there,,I am alright,,today,,got lots,,lots of help,,head shrinks,,doctors,,counsellors,,many peoples helped me,,mentally,,but,,,some times it just grabs me,,a living hell,,even today,,Thanks for listening,,I send you a jentle respectful hug,,Viga,,just because I am supposed to" 

 After reading David's story, I did some research on male victims of sexual abuse and found THIS ARTICLE  which I have added to my information site at VIGALAND. It is so in line with some of what David has shared above. Do have a read, and while you're over at VIGALAND'S INFORMATION ARTICLE SITE, check out some of the other articles I've posted there. All worthwhile reading for anyone interested in or affected by abuse of any kind.

Have a great weekend everyone. May the sun shine in on your day and chase the heartaches away ...

RUNNING AWAY, BURYING THE MEMORIES, PRETENDING SEXUAL ABUSE NEVER HAPPENED ...

is tantamount to living out our lives wondering, feeling soiled, dirty, unworthy ... unworthy of that very necessary love of self and unworthy of the love of others ... and so much of the time, if we haven't addressed the memories for what they are, not knowing why we  even feel that way.

Even before the major sexual abuse by my father started, I felt a bit like that about myself, but didn't really know why. Then today, I happened across THIS POST in another blog. The writer states that we CAN and MUST stop the sexual abuse of our children and believes it can be done, if we are forever on the alert for the signs and encourage children to talk about it. Perhaps if someone had cared enough about me when I was still prepubescent and got me to open up, I might have told them about the older girl, still in elementary school, who lured me to her flat with the promise of milk and cookies, and then pinned me in the washroom and using the inner tube of a toilet roll, simulated sex with me. I had no idea what she was doing, but I remember fleeing, crying, scared and being utterly confused. No-one, not my guardian at the time, nor my parents knew anything of this incident. Later in the week, a nun at the Catholic primary school I attended approached me. She asked me about the girl. Had she ever done anything to me, asked me to go home with her etc etc. Obviously the nun knew something about her, but I remember my shame as I answered her questions. And yet, I had no idea why I felt ashamed.

Of course, in retrospect, it's entirely possible, and even probable, that this girl too was being sexually abused by a parent or relative. But again, the post I mentioned above triggered my memory of this incident and others. There was a Catholic "brother" who liked me to visit his room at the local church. He would give me candies and soft drinks AFTER he sat me on his lap and ran his fingers up and down  my little legs. And he always sent me home reminding me not to tell anyone if I wanted more candies.

Then there was my playmate's father. He was all smiles and had 3 little girls I loved to play with. One day, I arrived to play but the 3 girls were out with their mom. He invited me to stay and wait for them, saying they wouldn't be long. He gave me some cake and suggested I sit beside him on the couch to read a book. Then he coaxed me onto his lap so we could cuddle while he read the book. Next thing I knew he'd stopped reading and his hand had wandered into that most private spot. Instinctively, I knew this wasn't right but I didn't want to offend him as he was my playmates' dad. When he was done, he too told me to not tell anyone and gave me a dime ... hush money I guess ... and promised there'd be more dimes if I visited again. I never went back there. My playmates never asked why. But I wonder if eventually they too found out daddy wasn't as nice as we all thought.

How did the POST ABOVE unleash all these memories? Here's what that writer said:

"the statistics of child sexual abuse (CSA) are beyond the pale – 1 in 6 boys and 1 in 3 girls are sexually assaulted by the age of 18. As I have also written, "stranger danger is a myth". It's not the unknown that our children have to be leery, it's the ones we know best; our clergy, teachers, caregivers and yes, even family members – they are the ones that are ALMOST ALWAYS guilty of stealing the innocence of our children. The statistics vary, but not by much, somewhere in the neighborhood of 90-95% of all CSA transgressions are by those we KNOW and TRUST. That's right, the ones that molest, rape, sodomize and abuse our children are NOT strangers…they are our pastors, our 5th grade teachers, our fathers and aunts, and even sometimes they are the child down the street that plays with our kids. I recently read an article about an 8 yr. old molesting a 7 yr. old that lived just two doors down – a trusted neighborhood child.

As a survivor of sexual abuse by a member of the clergy, I know all too well how this trust is built up and then destroyed. It's called "grooming" but the bottom line, it's how these trusted ones get inside the psyche of a child and use their authority over them to sexually and psychologically control them, as my youth minister did me."

How true is that! Isn't that what happened to me ... or maybe to you who are reading this? The molesters are indeed all around us and sadly, around our own children. We can help them and ourselves, but first of all, we need to face our own memories, our own demons. If we haven't yet shared our troubled past with someone who cares, if we haven't fully accepted that yes, this did indeed happen to us and was most likely not our fault, then how can we help others who may be going through the same thing? We might recognize it but close our eyes and our minds to it, telling ourselves it couldn't be what we suspect. None of us wants to believe that someone close to us, someone we trust, could molest or abuse a child, especially their own child. Well, if it happened to you then you know it can, and does happen. Just check those stats again:

1 in 6 boys and 1 in 3 girls are sexually assaulted by the age of 18.

Stop running away. Stop burying the memories. Stop pretending it didn't happen. Spit out your horror, your disgust. Tell it like it is or was. Just let it all out so you can come out from under.

Please share the link to this blog with others who might need encouragement to do the same. And please  LIKE our page at Facebook: COMING OUT FROM UNDER

NOW I GET IT! I HAVE SS - STOCKHOLM SYNDROME

Those who know the more intricate and ugly parts of the incestuous relationship between my father and me have often asked how come I didn't kill him. They don't understand how I can even talk about him now without going off the rails etc etc. Or sometimes, they just look at me funny and you know they are thinking "well it mustn't have been as bad as you say ... "

What little they know. And yet, I have asked myself the same questions over and over again and come up with no answers. Part of me always loved him even when I hated him. When he died of cancer in 1980, already a skeleton before he took his last breath, while I could not bring myself to cry, not then, not later, nonetheless I took his cold, already dead bony hand in mine and asked him sadly, almost lovingly, why he could never have been just a father to me. I had loved the father. I loathed the lover.

Today, as I read through another incest survivor's pain--filled blog, she several times mentioned "Stockholm Syndrome".  She wondered if she had it. Where she had shared some last letters she had exchanged with her father, she signed off with

Love you always,
me”

He had signed off similarly. And yet, he had molested her for years, physically abused his wife and the writer's brother most of their lives together, and all up, was one horrid person. Yet she said "Love you always". Does she have Stockholm Syndrome? You bet! Do I? Well now I know I do.

What is Stockholm Syndrome? Dr. Joseph M Carver who has written the 4-page article I found, does a far better and more comprehensive job of explaining it than I can ... and I also cannot condense 4 pages into a few sentences in a blog. Perhaps the shortest explanation is what he says in this paragraph:

In clinical practice, some of the most surprised and shocked individuals are those who have been involved in controlling and abusive relationships. When the relationship ends, they offer comments such as “I know what he’s done to me, but I still love him” 


 and 

While the situation doesn’t make sense from a social standpoint, does it make sense from a psychological viewpoint? The answer is — Yes!

That's the situation I found myself in, before, during and after the incestuous abuse ended when I was around 23. The abuse had started somewhere around the age of 11 - 12, slowly at first, then intensifying  over the period of about a year. Because my father was so physically violent, I was terrified of him, as was my mother. Even as an infant, I was afraid of him. His big leather strap had left welts on my bare backside many times by the age of 10. My face had been smashed into the hard kitchen table when I couldn't get my math questions right. My ears had been boxed till I could barely hear. I had been called "stupid" too many times to count. All my life with him, even at 23, I walked on eggshells around him all the time ever fearful of inciting his rage. And yet, part of me loved him. What's up with that? It made no sense. But now I see it was, without question, Stockholm Syndrome.

So how can this be? How can someone who brutalizes you mentally, physically, and sexually still have your love? Well there are many reasons and scenarios cited in that article above. You'll have to read it to see which applies to your situation. For me it was that he wasn't always horrible. In fact, many times he was downright nice, even nicer to me than my mom was. While he was doing the dirty, so to speak, he was also working hard to provide me with all my basic needs: food, clothing etc. If I got hurt, it was he who took care of the cuts and scrapes. If I was ill, he nursed me back to health. If I needed protection, he provided it. I knew I could count on him if I were in danger. All of this made it difficult to fully hate him. When he did these things for me, he was acting as my father. I loved the father in him.

Also, somewhere along the way, he confided in me about his own past: the heartbreak he felt losing his mother to TB when he was only 10; the beatings he suffered from his own abusive father; the agonies of  living in war camps during WW2 when you didn't know if you'd be alive tomorrow and you were starving while doing hard labour. And then there was his disappointment and anguish when he had gone to Australia, ahead of my mother and me, to set up a home for us after the war and word came to him that my mom was having an affair back in Germany. For the second time, a woman had broken his heart.

All this obviously created an empathy within me for the person I knew he was or could be when he wasn't being a predator and child molester. According to Dr. Carver, this is what is known as the "Small Kindness" shown to the victim by the abuser. When the abuser shows the victim small kindnesses, it gives the victim hope that things might improve and makes the victim feel the abuser is not "all bad".  When the abuser shares details of his/her own difficult past, revealing their own "soft side", the victim feels sorry for them and even wants to help them, believing that things might just change for the better over time. Of course, all the while the abuser is sharing these things, he/she is also, consciously or unconsciously manipulating the victim,  exxonerating himself or herself of all the blame for the situation. After all, he/she has been a victim too, right?

But all that said, now, years after his death, as I finally drum up the courage to share my story, I cannot and do not forgive him for what he did to me. I see no reason to excuse his actions. I have been horribly abused but that doesn't give me the right to abuse my own children. And he had no right to do what he did, regardless of his own story. Sadly, all I ever wanted from him was a father. He became more than that and I hated it. I realize that to this day I still suffer from Stockholm Syndrome. Do you? I'd love to hear your story and hope that by telling you mine bit by bit in this blog, you'll find the courage to tell me yours. The freedom that comes with sharing your story is worth the pain of telling it.