Sunday, August 18, 2013


So, one of my readers/reviewers wrote to me the other day with this question:

"I have been thinking about something you said and I can't get it out of my mentioned that your father began molesting you around the same time he was experiencing migraine headaches....could it be at all possible that your father suffered from a brain tumor?  I read recently that certain tumors can trigger compulsive sexual actions and other erratic behavior....just a thought.....perhaps you can speak to a neurosurgeon who would know whether or not your father displayed any such symptomatic behavior.....if so, it may be some small comfort to you, that he had no control over his actions.....just a thought I felt I needed to share...."

I was very pleased she came out and asked me this question, primarily because it's really good to know your book has left a reader still thinking about the why's and wherefores ... just as I've been doing all my life!

In fact, I'm pretty sure my own reading habits ( I love psychological thrillers) stem from my never satisfied need to know why my father abused me sexually, mentally and physically.  After all these years, even though I'm reasonably well-healed and have achieved further closure by writing my book, NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER, not a day goes by that I don't ask myself, as I did in the closing lines of my story, "WHY?" Why did daddy do that to me?

Was there something, as the questioner asks, medically wrong with him i.e.  a tumour? I told my reader I didn't think that was an explanation as he had begun having the migraines, sporadically, shortly after we moved to Canada. He would have been stressed, looking for work etc. and he had always been a perfectionist, e.g. when as a child I'd proudly showed him I got 98% on a math test and he replied:

"What's good about that? It should be 100%!"

From what I've read, perfectionists are prone to migraines. Furthermore, he would have been in his mid-thirties when we came to Canada ... but he was nearly 80 when he died. So a tumour is an unlikely reason for his "compulsive sexual actions and other erratic behaviour." It would have been nice if indeed, that had been the reason: it might have been easier to forgive him.

But now, thinking about the question in the title of my blog post, if there isn't a medical explanation for why sexual abusers abuse, then what is the explanation? What goes on inside their heads? What makes them think it's okay to have sex with their own children? For that matter, why do rapists rape? Were they themselves perhaps, the victims of sexual or other abuse as children? Rape is an angry act. It's also an act of insecurity. It's a need to feel powerful. Does that spell a loss of power, security way back in the abuser's own childhood? Or is rape, sexual abuse of children, or any kind of abuse all about being narcissistic ... of feeling one's own needs supersede everyone else's? Do these abusers have a sense of entitlement? Were they perhaps spoiled as children to the extent that they believe they can have whatever they want when they want it?

I know from what little my father told me of his early childhood that his own father was a high court judge, and his son could have whatever he wanted. My father was used to having his own way, even as a child. Then suddenly, his mother passed away from TB when he was 10. He lost something he really needed: his mother, and no amount of money could bring her back. So he grabbed onto love, my mother's, mine, and then did everything in his power to hold onto it, including, in my case, forcing sex on me when I was too young and too scared to stop him.

Have you been a victim of incest? Are you, like me, always seeking an explanation for why it happened to you? Are you forever asking yourself 'WHY?" Why did my father molest me? Why did my brother force himself on me? Why did my grandfather touch me sexually? Have you come up with any answers? Do you know enough about their pasts to shed some light on the reasons for their behaviour? I'd be interested in your thoughts and comments. Thanks for reading.




  1. Thank you for asking this question. I know with my brother he, himself was abused sexually by his father's side of the family. (Half brother) As for my other abusers, I have no clue. Honestly, I don't care. I am in the place in my recovery where I just don't care to try and justify (which I understand is NOT what this post is about.) or look for healing in explaining away "WHY" they abused me. Guess I still have much anger to work through. I still very much appreciated this post and am interested in others response.

    1. Oh I hear you loud and clear on that Joy ... and I agree. I too no longer really care WHY but when someone asks, you start thinking again. For me, it's just like some victims saying they wish they could remember and I find myself wondering WHY they want to? Opening up those memories can only lead to more pain. I'd rather not remember and stay where I am now: happy with my life.

  2. Hello Viga,
    I recently heard you on a radio program & also viewed your videos. I thank the Lord for your survival & your thriving now & your sharing your story w/ us. In answer to the inquiry about why someone does what he does to little children, even his own daughter, I just wanted to make a comment. First of all, I remembered that my father also had headaches, probably for all his years. I would like to know more about these monsters but not in anyway to excuse them! I found a few books & I'd like to read on this topic. One is called Predators: Pedophiles, Rapists and other Sex's by Dr. Anna Salter who is an expert on this subject. Here's a youtube video which will anger anyone to the core & cause one to churl big time inside as Anna Salter is interviewing a man who tells how he grooms children from AGE ONE!!! EEEEEK!!!!
    Donna (survivor & overcomer)

  3. Thanks for commenting here Donna and I'm so glad you contacted me via my website at

    I appreciate you giving me and my visitors the link to Dr. Anna Salter's book, Predators: Pedophiles, Rapists and other Sex Offenders and I intend to watch that video first chance I get. Welcome to my blog (have you subscribed) and to our private Facebook group. Good to have you on board.

  4. Donna
    I have to tell you that I just watched that video at
    and my head is reeling. I have worried for years, especially since writing NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER, that something will suddenly come up and hit me in the face, so to speak. This video came close. I felt my blood pressure rising, my face flushing, and tears starting at the back of my eyes. For the first time in my life I saw my father in this predator ... and it sickened me. I think all these years, because he was my father, I still somehow excused him and could never equate him to some psychopath who groomed me to be his sex toy. After watching this, I sadly acknowledge the predator, pedophile my father was and I've been hit in the face with my past.

  5. I'm so glad you saw the connection! YES!!! After I watched that video all of a sudden I gasped for my breath a couple of times, it was quite unexpected! Yes, I agree w/ you...this video helped me to see more deeply & clearly than I did before that I was his object & that he was either a psychopath or a sociopath. It bore deep into my soul & in a way gave me more release! My understanding is that those who have been victims of incest definitely suffer from complex PTSD! The one who did that interview is Dr. Anna Salter who is an expert in this field. I ordered her book, Predators: Pedophiles & Sex Offenders. I also ordered It Happens Every Day & Predators & Molesters by Robin Sax & I see that Lynn Tolson did a review for one of these books. Awhile back I read Seducers Among Us by a criminal investigator named Patrick Crough. It was the most riveting book I ever read from the point of view of his investigations, how he got them to confess (over lunches) & his compassion for the children & their families. That video sparked more of an interest in me to take a CLEAR THRU look into the minds of these SOUL MURDERERS!!!

  6. If you want your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend to come crawling back to you on their knees (even if they're dating somebody else now) you need to watch this video
    right away...

    (VIDEO) Get your ex CRAWLING back to you...?