HOW MUCH GRAPHIC DETAIL SHOULD ONE INCLUDE IN A BOOK ON #CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE?

I came across a very interesting blog post this morning that I want to share with you all. You can read it here:

http://www.thelamplighters.org/llblog01/graphic-details/

I have very strong feelings about this excellent post and the ideas presented. Because of that, I left a long comment on it. Here's what I wrote:

“I really liked your blog post Marjorie. I felt the points you raised were very important and I left a long comment on the post. Hope you don't mind. I'd like to share my comment here too in case others don't read what I wrote: "The points you've raised here are very important. This is something I had to decide when I was writing my book, NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER: how graphic should my book be? In the end, I found I couldn't write it any other way that to tell how it happened, what he said to me, how he coached me, led me to do what he wanted, and what he actually did. I saw no point in even writing the book without these details. Otherwise, what was the purpose of writing it? I wanted to enlighten others to how a predator, in this case my own father, gets his way. I wanted readers to see his thinking, the psychology, the motivation behind his actions and his ability to manipulate a defenseless child, his own child. How else to do that than by actually giving details? But as you suggest, it was necessary to put a 'trigger warning' on the book and that's what I did.

I have been criticized by only one other writer, herself a victim, for providing, what she called "the guts and gore" in my story. She said victims don't need those details, that I should have focused on recovery and healing. Well I'm not a therapist and how I healed was not the focus of my story. Mine was just that: my story ... take it or leave it ... but it was honest and real. If I wanted to write a book on healing, I would have. But I don't feel qualified to do that. And besides, there are many wonderful books out there for that purpose. I even addressed this in one of my book talks where some of my readers, themselves victims, said I'd done the right thing as it helped them relate even better and helped them realize they were not alone when they heard what he actually said and did to me.

Bottom line: 2 sides to this argument and you are so right: write the story as YOU need to and if it's graphic, put in a warning and let the reader decide if they can handle it. As for the others, get your heads out of the sand folks. This is the real world and this is happening in a home near you!”

We actually videoed segments of the book talk I referred to above where other victims gave their views on the graphic detail in my book. If you'd like to hear what they said, watch this video:

So now, I'd love your feedback on my response and on Marjorie's original blogpost on her LAMPLIGHTER MOVEMENT site. Was NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER too graphic?  Should graphic details be spared in books on child sexual abuse? Waiting to hear from you: what do you think? And by the way, you can download a FREE SAMPLE of my book at both SMASHWORDS and GOODREADS. 

Book Review: BEYOND THE TEARS by Lynn C. Tolson: #incest

My first encounter with Lynn C Tolson was actually on Facebook. As I became involved in groups and pages about childhood sexual abuse, Lynn's name kept popping up everywhere. Who was this woman? My research revealed she was an author, herself once a victim of sexual abuse, and currently a social worker and speaker who gives a great deal of her time and self to helping other victims, both on and offline. I got the impression she was well-known and I felt dwarfed by her achievements. But at that point, she was still just a name with a nice Facebook photo. 

Now, having read Lynn's book, if it were possible, the one thing I'd love to do is meet her in person. I want to meet this woman who at the opening of her book was on her way to commit suicide. She'd had it! She couldn't take any more. She hauled into a motel, swallowed all the pills she could find and waited for death to come. But life wasn't done with her yet because she had a mission to fulfill: to heal from her own devastating and lonely past; to conquer her drug-addicted lifestyle; to rid herself of an older husband who was using her low self-esteem to victimize her further, and ultimately to share her path to recovery with the thousands of other victims out there who might also think that taking their own lives is the only solution. Thank heaven Lynn's attempt to end it all failed or Beyond the Tears wouldn't have been written.  

The one thing that stood out for me as I got further and further into Lynn's story of sexual abuse by both her schizophrenic biological father, and later, by her older brother, was her extreme isolation, even as a young child, in a family of several members. Like all victims of sexual abuse, she couldn't  bring herself to tell her own mother of the abuse. Why? Because her mother was too delicate, too fragile. So to save her mother from heartache, she let her own heart ache with her ugly secret. Intimidated by her step-father, confused by her own father, ignored by her mother and scorned and berated by her abusive brother, Lynn wandered through her teens dulling her pain on street drugs. She watched a soul-mate die from an overdose and still couldn't help herself. After compounding the mess of her life by marrying a mentally and verbally abusive husband, suicide seemed the only out till fate stepped in. Lynn met Karen and with love, caring and wise counsel, Karen got Lynn to open up and tell all.

As all abuse victims come to realiize sooner or later, healing begins in finally telling someone, but it is journalling, writing, that ultimately closes the wounds. Karen encouraged Lynn to do that. Lynn took another 20 years before putting pen to paper and further heal, but it is her readers, especially those who are victims of childhood sexual abuse who benefit from her writing.  Lynn not only shares her life with us in an easy to read, semi-fictional style, but she peppers her story with insights and reflections on the personalities of her family and how they contributed to her isolation, an isolation I sense she still feels today but is able to live with.  Every so often, she throws in some touching poetry that is short and poignant. And by sharing Karen's words of counsel and wisdom with us, Lynn offers the reader concepts that truly help one heal. 

If there's one thing I love about the internet and social networking sites like Facebook, it's that it clarifies perceptions we form of people when we only meet them in print, as in their blogs, poems or books. Read their words and you form a picture of them. Look at their photos and we see what the words don't show. Listen to their voices, as I did recently in a blog talk show with Lynn and the image sharpens. Watch a video (Lynn has one on her own blog site at http://beyondthetears.blogspot.ca, and you suddenly know a lot more about this person who till now was just a name on a book.

Getting to know Lynn C Tolson begins with reading BEYOND THE TEARS, but don't stop there! Visit her blog, read her posts, check out her other reviews and videos at Goodreads, and come to know this strong woman who was once a victim of child sexual abuse but is today a survivor and thriver. As Karen told her: "When you lose your identity as a victim, you gain an identity as a survivor". BEYOND THE TEARS is a guide to doing just that. 

HALLOWE'EN: NOT MY FAVOURITE NIGHT OF THE YEAR

I'm not the greatest fan of Hallowe'en. Don't know why. I find nothing particularly wonderful about seeing horrible masks, ghouls, freaks, cobwebs on trees and houses and all the other things that scare children ... and adults too for that matter.

Maybe it's because of my past, of living with someone of whom I was so frightened that I was too scared to go to bed at night. I still hear doors opening when everyone was supposed to be asleep. I see the thin shaft of light coming into my room and the dark, looming figure of a man ... my father ... carefully closing the door behind him and feeling his way in the dark over to my bed...

My monster was alive, real. He put on a different mask when friends were around. He was Mr. Friendly, affable, personable. He cared about his wife and child. But he didn't wait for or need Hallowe'en to terrify me. He just did.

Sorry if I don't get into the spirit. Oh I still give out the candies and smile at the sweet little princesses and angels who come to my door shyly saying "Trick or Treat". And I even write poems for them, and in my heart hope that the only monsters and ugly people they ever see in their lives are the other kids running around the streets in costumes on October 31st.

Viga Boland, NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER: a true story of incest
http://www.vigaboland.com

FLASHBACKS! A UNWANTED NECESSARY EVIL RESULTING FROM #CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE AND #INCEST

One of the most devastating after effects of childhood sexual abuse and incest is the FLASHBACKS. For years, the victim may not have them. Then suddenly, they may smell something and it sets off a panic somewhere inside. Or they may hear a bit of music that triggers a memory of something horrid, unpleasant, but they're not sure what's happening. All they know is the memory hurts. It begins hurtling around their minds and try as they may, they can't get it to stop. It feels like it's consuming their minds. It's overwhelming, like screaming in the brain.  And once the flashbacks start, it seems to take less and less to trigger them and the vicious memories come harder, faster, deeper every time they strike. What is going on? 

According to Beverly Engel, author of "The Right to Innocence", as awful as flashbacks are, they tell you something very important about yourself. You are evolving; you are changing, growing emotionally even if you don't believe it. And as much as you despise how it makes you feel, like you were going insane, it's what I call, a necessary evil to recovery and healing. To repeat what I so often say in my private group at Facebook: "No pain, no gain". The longer you avoid facing the truth about your past and what happened, the longer you are going to suffer. As Beverly says:

“You cannot make yourself have a flashback, nor will you have one unless you are emotionally ready to remember something. Once remembered, the memory can help you to face more of the truth. You can then express your pent-up feelings about the memory and continue on your path to recovery. Think of the flashback as a clue to the next piece of work. No matter how painful, try to view it as a positive indication that you are now ready and willing to remember.” The Right to Innocence by Beverly Engel

So many readers of my book, NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER, have asked me how I got over it. How come I'm so "together" today.  Don't I have flashbacks? Yes, I do. Every day in fact. But the intensity isn't even remotely close to what it was 10,  20, 30, 40 years ago. It's more like the sudden storm that terrified me as a child but instead of running and hiding, I applaud how far I've come: it doesn't frighten me any more. Now it's just a reminder that I am free, no longer a prisoner of my past.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR CHILDREN ARE DOING WITH EACH OTHER? #SIBLING ABUSE and #INCEST

Until now, while incest is the focus of my blog, I have generally spoken most about father/daughter incest, because that's what I know, and that's what I wrote about in my book, NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER. 

But over the past year, I've had the pleasure ... if that's the right word ... of meeting with and speaking privately with the many courageous victims of incest who are members of my private group at Facebook, SPEAK OUT FROM UNDER CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE in FAMILIES. What I have learned and heard from these valiant victim/survivors has moved me to tears, made me bristle with anger and made me what to scream "What's wrong with all you parents, the mothers and fathers, aunts, uncles, grandparents who know this is going on and refuse to acknowledge it or help the victim!"

Don't say you don't know. I don't believe you! I can't believe you! The truth is you don't want the truth to come out because of the embarrassment it might cause the family. Or some of you mothers are so damn dependent on your spouses, you sacrifice your daughter to her father's or stepfather's lust. Shame on you all! You are as disgusting and as despicable as the perpetrators because by your refusal to rectify the situation, you allow this to go on and on and be carried from one generation to the next, because sadly, statistics are showing that indeed many of the abused become abusers. Those subjected to incest as children grow up to sexually molest their own children. The domino effect of incest is real. Worse yet, incest is alive, well and happening, even between brothers and sisters. Don't believe me? With her permission, I share some of T's story of sibling sexual abuse, most of which occurred before she was 9:

"I would like to start by saying some people should not be allowed to have children, and if a child is unlucky enough to be born into that hell then they should be removed immediately. My mother was one such person. I grew up with 5 brothers and one sister. 4 different fathers. We were never stable moving from house to house and husband to husband. I can honestly say not one of my stepfathers ever touched me violently or sexually."

"Her (T's mom) first time away over night was when the abuse started. I pitched a fit at being left alone with R (T's brother), and she said to me 'Why do you have to be so selfish? I get very little time to myself and you are trying to ruin it. God punishes selfish girls'. 

R came into my room that night and told me we were going to play a game and if i got it right he wouldnt have to throw me out the window of my bedroom. I fought and he beat me and choked me (He liked to call me the C word- over and over again until any variantion was just a drone)  until i did what he wanted, vomiting in the process which brought another beating. For years i thought this was my punishment for being selfish.

Then next weekend brought another over night trip for my mom and another opportunity for R. I didnt fight that time, i was good and did everything he wanted even when he started touching me hard and hurting me. After he was finished he beat mr for being a whore and of course every variation of the c word known to man.  Every punch or kick i was told that i had done this, look at what i had done.

It didnt seem to matter what i did: I was sexually abused then beaten weekend after weekend and occasionally if My mother had a dinner date during the week. It was like she didnt see me, the bruises or any of it. She stopped looking at me. She would talk to me but look just above my head.

I went to my mom the next morning and told her what R had been doing to me. She looked at me for a long time, just a blank stare. I had no idea the slap was coming until I was on the floor. She  sounded so sad when she said 'You are from the devil. Why do my girls have to be lying troublemakers?' (I found out later that my sister have been sexually abused by several different men starting just before puberty). She stopped acknowledging my existence, pretended i wasnt there. I went to my room to hide and I heard her go out the front door with my little brothers.

I was completely alone in the house with R. He met me at my bedroom door as I was trying to run out and threw me against the opposite wall. Grabbed me by the hair and held me there while he ripped my clothes away, banging my head against the wall over and over ( i remember things going spotty and dark). I was crying for my mom to save me and he got really close to my face (i remember feeling him spitting when he talked) 'She said you are not worth saving, you little c**t'. He threw me to the ground and put his knee on my chest ( guess to hold me still) and i couldnt breath in, everything became black and i felt like i was floating away. I still think someone was looking out for me and knew i needed to be absent from my body. I still dont know what was done to me that night, I woke up naked and cold. I remember being so embarrassed that i had peed myself like a baby and there was blood on the floor. I couldnt get up, everything hurt so bad, even to scoot toward my bed seemed like it took hours and i was so afraid he would come back. i made it under my bed and against the wall at the back. I must have fell asleep and i dont know how long i had stayed there. I woke up and it was daylight and i could here my mom downstairs. I had peed myself again and needed to go again but i have no idea in actual time. i crawled to the bathroom and i my face and body were all dried blood and bruises. I washed away the blood and then washed my privates with the cleaner under the sink I think it was pine-sol, i contiued to do this until i was 12 and living with my sister. I was still bleeding a little from down there and i was sore but i was able to walk.

I went downstairs and my mom acted like nothing happened. She smiled and said 'Good morning Sunshine' like she did on her happy days but she didnt see me."

Sorry that was so long (the full story is longer) but if you managed to read it all, what are you thinking now? I know what I thought of T's mom and her abusive brother, R. And I ask you: how does this happen? What was with T's mom? How did T's brother turn into such a beast? And why did T's family take her brother's side when she finally lost it and attacked him at age 13? Thank you T for letting me share parts of your story that proves sibling abuse and incest is alive and well and may be happening in a house near you who are reading this blog.

Now, If you're a parent, do you really know what is going on between your children when you're not around?

WHAT THE BOOK, "NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER", IS NOT!

When you write a book as close to your heart, to your whole essence in fact, on a subject as sensitive and hidden as incest as I have done in "NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER" it's similar to taking off all your clothes and walking naked down the busiest street in town: the internet. You don't know if baring your soul, telling your truth, exposing your sordid past in such graphic detail will bring praise for your courage or condemnation for your failure to act years ago. But you do it anyway, hoping that by doing so you might encourage some other victim to do likewise.

That's how I approached writing this book. And as I say on my website, there are those who should read it and those who shouldn't.

After receiving a review on Goodreads from a reader that left me feeling a little flat, I've decided that I now need to add another category to "who shouldn't read this book". The reader/reviewer gave the book a 4-star rating and left some very positive comments which I appreciated. But she also said she felt let down as I did not go into more detail about how I recovered from years of abuse.

I need to address this: NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER is not a self-help book and was never intended as one.  It's not therapy for the sexually abused. I am not qualified to write such a book. I cannot even begin to explain how I recovered over the 40 or so years after I was finally away from my abuser, my father. All I know is I embraced the chance life had finally given me to enjoy it with my new husband and I couldn't enjoy it by living in and forever remembering my abusive past.

I also knew I had to make up for a lot of lost time: my father had stolen my teen years ... all of them. I'd missed out on so much being isolated by him and not allowed to live a normal life. Once away, I have spent the rest of my life catching up, trying to do everything he never allowed me to do. And again, how could I do that if I was forever remembering, agonizing, flashing back?

Please don't think for a moment that I didn't have down times. Of course I did. I still cried when I was alone, wanted to scream and yell when I got angry at anyone ... my husband, even my lovely children ... and I still had to hold myself back and not want to end my life from time to time. But something, the survivor in me, said NO, my life is worth so much more. There was some reason I had been freed from my hell and I was going to find out what it was.  In time, I did:

Reason #1: To ensure that my husband and girls had a good life and that we grew in love as a family, I had to grow out of hate and anger. I had to focus on the gain, and not the pain.

Reason #2: To eventually write my book, NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER, so I could encourage others to speak out from under their own hellish past of sexual abuse.

You see, I did achieve what I set out to do with this book: it was always, first and foremost, a story ... my story ... my own true story of incest. It was never meant to be a book like "THE COURAGE TO HEAL", which I strongly recommend, by the way. And there are many more such books on the market, written by qualified people.

So, if you want a book geared toward helping you recover from childhood sexual abuse,
NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER, is not what you're looking for. But if you are looking to learn about this hideous, hidden sickness happening in so many homes and want to get into the mind and manipulative skills of an abusive parent and understand what it does to a child for years after, then you will find this book interesting, eye-opening, along with disturbing and infuriating as so many readers have said. And if you are a victim who isn't looking for my book to heal you, but to encourage you to speak out from under, then this book is a must-read.

And it's now available in both printed and e-Book form directly from my website at THIS LINK.

WHO SHOULD READ THIS BOOK?

1) Those who truly care about children’s welfare and wants to know the truth about what can and does go on in thousands of families worldwide. These readers want to understand how incest affects children as they grow into adulthood and what the long-lasting effects of incest can be like.

2) Those who are in denial and refuse to believe this kind of child sexual abuse actually occurs at the hands of fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers, aunts and uncles and other close family relatives

WHO SHOULDN’T READ THIS BOOK?

1) Those who think incest is an acceptable and enjoyable activity between family members

2) Those who think this is another “Fifty Shades of Gray” and are looking for sexual stimulation via books

3) Those who are still very raw in their own healing and recovery from incest and could be easily triggered by the graphic scenes and language

4) Those who are looking for a book on recovery and self-help in healing from abuse

SEX IS GREAT BETWEEN CONSENTING PARTIES ... BUT CHILDREN ARE NOT CONSENTING PARTIES TO #INCEST

It's been roughly a year since I started this blog. I was trepidacious at first. For one thing, I knew I was about to reveal a very dark and rather ugly side of my life as a teen to the millions who scour the internet looking for words like "sex", "incest" "child sexual abuse".  Many would be victims of child sexual abuse looking for help, looking for some explanation of why family members thought it was okay to molest a little 3 or 4-year-old girl or boy or a prepubescent teen.   Others would be those who get off on these subjects, who find incest "hot", "exciting" "stimulating".

In the  past year, this blog has been visited by over 28,000 people. Folks have subscribed to this blog, left comments, and linked through to my Facebook pages at COMING OUT FROM UNDER INCEST and also requested membership in my private Facebook group, SPEAK OUT FROM UNDER CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE IN FAMILIES.

I am so grateful to each and every one of you who came to this blog for the right reason. My intention has always been to encourage other victims to speak out from under child sexual abuse and incest and NOT to glorify the disgusting and perverted practice of sex between non-consenting parties. Children are a non-consenting party: they  cannot and do not give you consent to use their bodies for your sexual pleasures. You people fill me with revulsion and your participation in this blog or in my Facebook group is NOT WELCOMED!

I will continue to fight you in the only way I now can: with words. That is why I wrote and published my own true story, NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER. And I sincerely thank all who have purchased my book, posted a review at GOODREADS, and told others about my book.

I wrote NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER to encourage other victims of incest to speak up about the abuse they didn't want or deserve as children. Now that my book is done, what can you expect from this blog in the future? More of the same, but what I hope to start bringing you very soon is other victims' stories. Several in my Facebook group have consented to my sharing these with you. They will remain anonymous if they so choose, The important thing now is that folks realize mine is NOT an isolated case. There are thousands, millions like me out there!

I will also be posting excerpts from book on this blog, at MY WEBSITE, and shortly, you will even be able to download FREE e-book sample chapters from GoodReads. So do sign up as a follower or friend on my Goodreads Author page.

I'd like to leave you with my latest video pertaining to my book, NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER, in which I discuss why it's so important that victims of incest and child sexual abuse keep talking about it, and more importantly, why the general public needs to get its collective head out of the sand and wake up to the fact that 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 5 boys are sexually molested by the age of 18, that 90% of these children know their abusers and 30% of the abusers are members of the child's family!