IS THERE A POSSIBLE MEDICAL EXPLANATION FOR AN ABUSER'S COMPULSIVE SEXUAL ACTIONS & ERRATIC BEHAVIOUR?

So, one of my readers/reviewers wrote to me the other day with this question:

"I have been thinking about something you said and I can't get it out of my mind...you mentioned that your father began molesting you around the same time he was experiencing migraine headaches....could it be at all possible that your father suffered from a brain tumor?  I read recently that certain tumors can trigger compulsive sexual actions and other erratic behavior....just a thought.....perhaps you can speak to a neurosurgeon who would know whether or not your father displayed any such symptomatic behavior.....if so, it may be some small comfort to you, that he had no control over his actions.....just a thought I felt I needed to share...."

I was very pleased she came out and asked me this question, primarily because it's really good to know your book has left a reader still thinking about the why's and wherefores ... just as I've been doing all my life!

In fact, I'm pretty sure my own reading habits ( I love psychological thrillers) stem from my never satisfied need to know why my father abused me sexually, mentally and physically.  After all these years, even though I'm reasonably well-healed and have achieved further closure by writing my book, NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER, not a day goes by that I don't ask myself, as I did in the closing lines of my story, "WHY?" Why did daddy do that to me?

Was there something, as the questioner asks, medically wrong with him i.e.  a tumour? I told my reader I didn't think that was an explanation as he had begun having the migraines, sporadically, shortly after we moved to Canada. He would have been stressed, looking for work etc. and he had always been a perfectionist, e.g. when as a child I'd proudly showed him I got 98% on a math test and he replied:

"What's good about that? It should be 100%!"

From what I've read, perfectionists are prone to migraines. Furthermore, he would have been in his mid-thirties when we came to Canada ... but he was nearly 80 when he died. So a tumour is an unlikely reason for his "compulsive sexual actions and other erratic behaviour." It would have been nice if indeed, that had been the reason: it might have been easier to forgive him.

But now, thinking about the question in the title of my blog post, if there isn't a medical explanation for why sexual abusers abuse, then what is the explanation? What goes on inside their heads? What makes them think it's okay to have sex with their own children? For that matter, why do rapists rape? Were they themselves perhaps, the victims of sexual or other abuse as children? Rape is an angry act. It's also an act of insecurity. It's a need to feel powerful. Does that spell a loss of power, security way back in the abuser's own childhood? Or is rape, sexual abuse of children, or any kind of abuse all about being narcissistic ... of feeling one's own needs supersede everyone else's? Do these abusers have a sense of entitlement? Were they perhaps spoiled as children to the extent that they believe they can have whatever they want when they want it?

I know from what little my father told me of his early childhood that his own father was a high court judge, and his son could have whatever he wanted. My father was used to having his own way, even as a child. Then suddenly, his mother passed away from TB when he was 10. He lost something he really needed: his mother, and no amount of money could bring her back. So he grabbed onto love, my mother's, mine, and then did everything in his power to hold onto it, including, in my case, forcing sex on me when I was too young and too scared to stop him.

Have you been a victim of incest? Are you, like me, always seeking an explanation for why it happened to you? Are you forever asking yourself 'WHY?" Why did my father molest me? Why did my brother force himself on me? Why did my grandfather touch me sexually? Have you come up with any answers? Do you know enough about their pasts to shed some light on the reasons for their behaviour? I'd be interested in your thoughts and comments. Thanks for reading.

*************

TO PURCHASE YOUR COPY OF NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER, VISIT MY WEBSITE: VIGA BOLAND

NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER: A TRUE STORY OF #INCEST

Well, it's done! My life-long dream of writing a book is finally a reality and it's quite daunting to think that people all over the world could now know all nasty details of my life from ages 11- 23. 

Do I regret baring my soul so publicly? Not for a moment!

Was it the book I always wanted to write? No way! 

In fact, it wasn't the book I wanted to write or ever planned to write ... but it was the book I HAD to write! And I know I'll never regret doing it.  This story had to be told to help increase awareness of the effects of child sexual abuse and to encourage other victims to speak out from under incest. 

But what's really interesting for me now is what is happening in my own mind as comments and reviews start to come in from those who have read it. Those reviews and the 5-star ratings I'm receiving are fantastic and very rewarding ... and you can read what people have said so far at my GOODREADS AUTHOR'S PAGE.  I am so grateful to those who have posted there and hope there will be many more over the months ahead. 

But when I refer to what is going on in my head now, it's more to do with what I am now learning about myself from my readers! They are saying things about me that I either didn't know or have denied  to myself for over 40 years. They speak of my childhood as "horrific"; they say my story is "gut-wrenching", made them want to vomit and more. And I read all this and I'm quite shocked. I ask myself why my story doesn't have that affect on me?  Am I that far along in my healing?  Am I that "strong" that I could just turn off the pain like that? Or am I perhaps, numb? Have I that effectively shut down all the pain valves and buried all that happened so deep I can no longer find it? 

And I'm scared too, in a way. What if suddenly it lurches up and slams me in the face, like that time I went under hypnosis and cried for 3 days and had no idea why I was crying. Or did I cry it all out then and move on?

This is quite amazing to me. Some have asked me if writing the book was therapeutic?  Well of course, but I think I had come to grips with it long ago or I might not have been able to write it yet.  But what writing NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER has done is given me closure. Yes, at last, I have closure on my abusive past.  I feel fully liberated. Now when folks say "Oh, you've written a book. What's it about?" I no longer swallow, gulp, blush with shame as I see their reaction to the word "incest". 

In fact, I feel the opposite: I feel proud, yes proud that I can say I survived incest and now am on a mission to help others get over incest and child sexual abuse. And I am proud that I have found a way to help them through my book.  From the beginning I've pushed the idea of "speaking out from under incest" and by practising what I preach, I now know how good that can feel. And I know NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER was the book I had to write!

I want to thank all those who have purchased my book this past week. It's only been available for 4 days and already, so many of you have bought a copy. I am truly humbled. I never dreamed this could happen for me. And it's what those readers are now saying that has restored my faith in myself, raised my self-esteem and proved to me that what my father drilled into my mind for years wasn't true: I wasn't ugly. He was! I wasn't a whore. He made me one.  I wasn't stupid, clumsy, all the other things he told me I was. And this wasn't my fault: it was all his!  And I wasn't a bad daughter as he said time and again, but he was a bad father. 

Included below are a few more photos of the book and its contents. If you would like to purchase a copy, you can do that HERE or at the highlighted links above. And if you're so inclined, I invite you to 'LIKE' my new AUTHORS PAGE AT FACEBOOK.  Thanks for reading and subscribing to this blog.  More posts coming in the future along with a new Author's Website where the blog will appear once it's fully created. 

And please do share my blog link with others who need and want to SPEAK OUT FROM UNDER INCEST!

NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER is 291 pages, printed on easy to read white paper. 

NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER contains photos of myself and my family, along with my poems.

NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER has a beautiful full-colour glossy cover, front and back. 

Victims' own voices are the best weapons against #child sexual abuse and #incest. But are people listening?

This blog has been quiet for too long now as I have been hell-bent on finishing my book, NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER, but at last, it should be on its way to the printer by the end of this week. I am really looking forward to sharing it with you and hope, in turn, you will talk about and share it with others.

Folks have been asking where they will be able to purchase it. Initially, you will be able to buy the book, an autographed copy, directly from me.  I will have links on this blog, and eventually on my author's website currently being created.  An eBook will eventually also become available.  I'll keep you informed.

In the meantime, I'd like to share with you the content of the last few pages in which I have addressed you, the readers of my book.  I feel the message there is one for all of us who have suffered incest and child sexual abuse. As always, your comments on this post are appreciated and please do share the url to this post with anyone whom you may feel it will benefit. Thanks for reading.

DEAR READER (excerpt from NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER)

Oprah Winfrey once said:

“What I know for sure is this:  You are built not to shrink down to less, but to blossom into more.  To be more splendid.  To be more extraordinary.  To use every moment to fill yourself up.” 

It is nearly impossible to fulfill that vision as long as we believe and live with what our abusers told us about ourselves.  The words with which they manipulated us for their own pleasure influence everything we are, think and do, even years after their abuse has stopped.  

From my perspective, the abuse inflicted on my body by my father is nothing compared to the damage he did to my mind, my self-esteem and my self-love, and it’s taken years of love and support from my family and a heck of a lot of self-talk to make me feel good about myself again.  I now know I was put on this earth for something bigger and better than to satisfy my father’s demands ... that I was meant to “blossom into more” become “more splendid” and “more extraordinary”.

I also know and believe with all my heart that none of us can become more extraordinary or more splendid as long as we tell ourselves that what happened was our fault!  

What happened was not our fault!  

We didn’t ask for it. We wore the shame; we took the blame.  But it was not our fault!  Those words are the only ones to tell yourself now, every day, if you are in the process of trying to heal, and that healing may take most of your life.  But we are worth whatever amount of time it takes!

And above all, we must start talking about incest!  We must COME OUT FROM UNDER and SPEAK OUT FROM UNDER Child Sexual Abuse.  I have bared all in this book to show you one way to come out from under.  There are others and many victim/survivors are using them.  They are writing books, blogs, poems and songs.  They are painting pictures.  Wonderful art is being born of their pain.  With every creation they are becoming “more splendid”, “more extraordinary”, because that’s what we are: we victims are extraordinary in what we have suffered and survived.  Yes, many of us have been silent because we lacked the courage to speak up.  We feared reprisal.  But many of us have been silent because we cared more for someone else than for ourselves.  I’d like to think that in being silent, we showed strength, not weakness.  Unlike our abusers, we didn’t put ourselves first!  And in that respect, we are extraordinary in a world where it’s always “me first!”

I would like to invite those of you who need a private place to talk with others and “bare all” to apply for membership in my closed Facebook group at this link:

SPEAK OUT FROM UNDER CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE IN FAMILIES: 

and I hope you will “like” my Facebook page, COMING OUT FROM UNDER INCEST: 

I also invite you to become a follower or subscribe to this blog, VIGALAND: COMING OUT FROM UNDER INCEST

According to the website, VOICE FOUND,  in Canada alone:

• 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 5 boys experience an unwanted sexual act before their 18th birthday.
• 95 % of child sexual abuse victims know their perpetrator.
• 30-40% of sexual assault victims are abused by a family member.
  Non-parental relatives – 35%
  Friends and Peers – 15%
  Stepfathers – 13%
  Biological Fathers – 9%
  Other Acquaintances – 9%
  Boyfriend/Girlfriend of Biological Parent – 5%
  Biological Mother – 5%
  Very few cases (2%) of substantiated sexual abuse involve a stranger.

• Child and youth victims who were sexually assaulted by family members were on average 9 years old compared to 12 years old for victims of non-family members.
• 64% of sexual offences reported to police took place in a residence
  26% took place in public and open areas, and
  11% took place in commercial places
• 54% of girls and 31% of boys under 21 have experienced sexual abuse; (22% of female victims reported two or more sexual offences and 7% of male victims reported two or more sexual offences)
• In 2005, the rate of sexual assault against children and youth was over five times higher than for adults (206 children and youth victims compared to 39 adult victims for every 100,000 people.)
• Boys 4-7 years of age were 3 times more often the victims of sexual abuse than boys of other ages.
• Girls aged 4-7 and 12-17 were twice as likely to be victims of sexual abuse as girls aged 0-3 and 8-11.

So just how big and widespread is child sexual abuse and incest? The statistics for Canada alone speak volumes.  Visit that link to see what the effect of this abuse is on the boys and girls who will be tomorrow's adults. It's frightening. And it's why I state in the beginning of my book that 

"Victims' own voices are the best weapons against child sexual abuse."

But is anyone listening? And if we do listen, do we really hear and believe what they tell us or do we sit silently in denial?  Wake up people!  This is happening in your city, your town, your neighbourhood.  And victims, come out from under however you can. Start talking to heal yourself. Speak out from under incest and child sexual abuse for the sake of today’s child and tomorrow’s adult. 

FACELESS CHILDREN, SILENT VOICES: THE CHILDREN OF #INCEST

A funny thing happened to me this past week. A friend in England wrote to say he was telling others  about my upcoming book, NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER. He commented what a hard job I, and others like me who decide to blog, write poems or books about incest have ahead of us, because when he tells folks what my book is about, 

"I sometimes notice a glazed, or uncomfortable expression appear on their faces..."

Why did I think this was funny? Because that very same day, when I told a neighbour I was writing a book and she smiled and brightly asked "on what?" and I came out without blinking an eye and said "incest", her eyes glazed over, and she didn't know where to look or what to say next. She was so obviously uncomfortable I felt bad for telling her about what to me, is now becoming the most important thing I've done with my life. I'm willing to bet that all victims of incest or child sexual abuse who have found the courage to speak out publicly about.

It shouldn't be so. Why is it so? We talk about rape, the sex trade, sex trafficking of young children, murder ... all of it, without our eyes glazing over. We feel sad, angered, helpless do do anything about it, but we're not uncomfortable and our eyes don't glaze over hoping the speaker will change the subject because we don't know what to say about fathers, brothers, mothers, sisters, grandfathers, uncles, aunts who use their own children for sexual release! Does this very discomfort we feel not indicate how important it is that victims speak up when they can, and as often as they can? Somehow, we have to get our families, our teachers, our neighbours, our communities to acknowledge incest might be happening right in the homes of those with whom we're sharing beer over the barby or chatting with at swim club. 

Incestuous abusers are so often pillars of the community, high profile people, the nicest guy or gal in the neighbourhood. No wonder we go into shock when we read some guy shot his sweet mother to death or some gal took a knife to her dear old grand-dad in the house down the street. We don't want to consider that maybe, just maybe that guy or gal had a really good reason to do so ... that they simply lost it after years of sexual abuse at the hands of someone they trusted. I see and feel the rage, the hurt, the anger that comes out of the victim/survivors in my private Facebook group. They are mentally writhing in agony, even years after the abuse has stopped. They try to get on with their lives, pick up the pieces of what's left of them after their abuser is gone or finished with them, but the pieces are so scattered, buried so deeply in horrible flashbacks, they break down time and again. The sexual abuse may be long over but the mental, verbal, and spiritual abuse they have endured lives on in them, forever a part of their everyday activities and reactions to everyone else around them. There is no such thing as "just get over it" because "it" never goes away. 

But the eyes of those who hear that it happened to you or a friend glaze over. They shift uncomfortably, look anywhere but at you, you who deserve and need understanding and love above all else. Maybe their eyes glaze over because they too, or someone in their own families, have been victims of incest and they, together with their families, have covered it up and now you're threatening to tear down that wall of silence that has kept them and their dirty family secret protected all these years. And you know what I say to that? 

Tear down the walls! Shake them up! Get them talking about it. Take off the blinkers! Incest exists and it's real and it's happening all around us in numbers that are downright frightening. According to the article AT THIS LINK:

"One in three-to-four girls, and one in five-to-seven boys are sexually abused before they turn 18, an overwhelming incidence of which happens within the family. These statistics are well known among industry professionals, who are often quick to add, "and this is a notoriously underreported crime."

I call on all victims of incest to do what you can to change those statistics. You might say, "What can I do? I only know my own case and no-one in my family believes me or helps me." Well remember one thing: a single drop of rain will not fill a barrel but a downpour will not only fill it but cause it to overflow. Let's make ourselves heard. Blog, write, talk, do whatever it takes to open those glazed eyes to the truth. Together, we are strong. Let's not forever be what my poem states above:

"Faceless children with silent voices".

 SPEAK OUT FROM UNDER INCEST!

THE DOMINO EFFECT of #INCEST and #CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE

"My mom's first cousins were all abused by their father, and apparently the oldest daughter had sex with by him till into her 20s. She's so messed up now. Denies it all, can't talk about it, but is a mental mess. 

Her two sons (who were brought up in the home of their paedo grandfather) go with anyone - male, female, black, white, whatever age, just anyone they can get their hands on. The oldest is a suicidal alcoholic. 

Their mother and the two of them all still live together and have no money. They live in this ramshackle place and eek out a living. It breaks my heart that they can't break the cycle of shame and face the facts. 

And that eldest daughter's brother? He is an abuser too of young girls and his daughter VIGOROUSLY defends her father and lies to cover up for him. 

So sad."

Sad? It's more than sad. It's downright horrible, this domino effect that childhood sexual abuse and incest has on families, and not just immediately, but for generations!  It undermines and tears at the very concept of what a family is supposed to be: a place of comfort, support and above all, love for, and trust in every member of that family. How can children grow into a normal, functioning, productive human beings when memories of abuse by a parent colour all their perceptions, interactions, and relationships with other people,  and eventually their own children, for years to come. How can they ever be "normal"? How?!

And why does it happen? It happens because somewhere along the line an adult told his son or daughter that what daddy was doing was okay. He told them everyone was doing it. Or he warned them not to tell others and used threats of pain, beatings or even death to enforce that secrecy. Or he manipulated their young, impressionable and naive minds with clever words, telling them no-one would believe them anyway. Or he sucked them in so cleverly saying this was love and daddy loves you, and thereby molded that child into his unspeaking, obedient, frightened and insecure puppet who believed this love was better than no love. Because LOVE is what all children want and need above all else and they will do what is necessary, put up with whatever they have to, to get it. It's human nature.

When members of my group share information like what's in that opening quote, when personal friends, who are not victims, write to me and say, as one did this past week after seeing the planned cover for my book, NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER: 

"I went to your blog out of curiosity and got a severe, and lasting lesson in reality in human depravity. Apart from your own story, I found one of the stories there totally shocking. All stories of incest are all shocking, of course, but  'Nikki's Story' just broke my heart. Maybe it is typical of the horrendous experiences that some boys and girl are forced to go through. I don't know. I haven't really read any detailed incest stories because it is not a subject matter that attracts me for a read. Whatever the degree of the molestation that all victims have had to deal with in their young lives, 'Nikki's Story' must surely be one of most heart rending. I am amazed that children so young can somehow deal with what is happening to them."

then all the more I am encouraged in my resolve to finish my book, my true story of incest, written and published. We MUST talk about incest! We must refuse to stay silent any longer. Our own silence is aiding and abetting the abusers, many of whom, like the member above stated in that opening quote, go on to abuse others: the domino effect of incest and child sexual abuse. 

This domino effect can only be stopped or at least curtailed, by coming out from under incest and speaking out from under the child sexual abuse in families, and the earlier the better. And yet, as I say that, I'm reminded of another comment made by a member this past week who lamented

"Children are told to tell an adult, a teacher or the other parent if someone touches them in a way that makes them uncomfortable. But how can they do that when they no longer trust adults, or worse yet, when one of the parents is the abuser?"

How indeed!

As my friend who wrote to me said, and I agree with him 100%: 

" ...  this subject, your book, and the strong incestuous character that seems so prevalent in the human race, demands a high profile exposure. It is the last taboo subject, and it is now time for the stone of indifference to be turned over and the sordid truth about some human adults revealed for all to see. The human race will never evolve, or even mature, if this awful aspect of mankind is not addressed."

The only way I can see for us to overturn that stone of indifference is SPEAK UP ABOUT OUR OWN CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE!  And it's up to us, the victims, to do that. We are our own best resource for fighting this depravity. It is we, the victims, who have the best weapons: our voices! Speak out from under. Tell your stories. NOW!  

"1 in 4 Girls will be Sexually Abused by age 18. 1 in 6 Boys will be Sexually Abused by age 18. 90,000 cases are reported each year. 90% of the time the Child knows the perpetrator. 117 Victims will be Assaulted before the Child Molester is caught..."

"VICTIM'S VOICES ARE THE BEST WEAPONS AGAINST CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE"

©Viga Boland 2013, NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER

THE INFINITE CURSE OF #INCEST and #CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE

While my husband and I were discussing titles for my upcoming book about incest the other  day, I shared with him some of the heartaches I hear coming from members of my private Facebook Group, SPEAK OUT FROM UNDER CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE IN FAMILIES. 

Honestly, it is sometimes so painful to hear what victims of incest have suffered at the hands of fathers, brothers, mothers, uncles and others. What's even more painful is hearing how hard it is for them to now speak up, to name their abusers, primarily for fear of what friends, family and even loved ones say when they listen to their stories. They get everything from "I'm so sorry for you but you must move on and just forget about it" to "Don't! Don't dare disgrace our family by talking about this!" or even "I don't believe you. You're making it all up. Why would your father or brother do that! How could you let it happen?"

And so, victims of childhood sexual abuse are re-victimized over and over again by their friends and loved ones who care more about keeping everything hidden and quiet than about the victim or about  exposing someone who most likely has gone on to abuse others, or in some cases, is so high profile, no-one dares say anything for fear of reprisal. How fair is that? Worse yet, how can such victims heal when, even if they share their stories, they can't name their abusers? They know by not doing so, they are, as it were, assisting a criminal in continuing to hurt others. Their burden of guilt and shame for their past and now their present silence is doubled. Healing cannot ever really take place under such constraints.

So while I write and edit my book in the hopes it will help to encourage others to come and speak out from under childhood sexual abuse and incest, I realize how much easier it must seem for me to do this NOW. My abuser is long dead. So is his wife, my mom. I have no sisters or brothers or other living relatives on my side who can make me keep my mouth shut. There is, of course, my husband and my children, and my husband's extended family which is large. They could be uncomfortable by my revelation, but again, I'm lucky: they have encouraged me to do this and the extended family doesn't even live in the same country as we do. So one could say, "sure, it's easy for YOU to do now."

Well you know what? Not really. It's not easy at all because there's nothing easy about your friends and your children's friends knowing that you had sex with your father, your children's grandfather!  Even more, how do you explain that this wasn't a one-time thing? Rape is horrid, but it's usually a one-time thing and no-one can or should blame the victim. But incest that goes on for years and years? That's repeated rape but what's an outsider to think? Most will say, if it was that bad, how could you let him rape you year in and year out? Even my husband, who I know loves and believes me when I say this was not my idea or desire, said to me when we had that chat:

"Yes, how do you explain incest that goes for years, or, as in your case, incest that started when you were almost 12?"

When he said that, I couldn't help but wonder if there was doubt of my innocence even in his mind? Though he's never said it, I'm sure he's puzzled as to why I let it go on for so long, why I didn't up and run away, why I didn't turn my father in, etc etc. And those are very understandable questions to which, sadly, there are no easy or quick answers but which I hope will come clear in my book. Yes, it does look like somehow I might have condoned it, even possibly liked it to have let it go on for 12 years, and, yes, after all, I was old enough to understand what he was doing and how wrong it was when he began. No, I wasn't an infant, or even a 5 or 7-year-old who couldn't have invited the sexual abuse. I was nearly a woman myself! So then, now, I too must prepare myself for the non-believers, those who will accuse me of being as guilty as my father was, of enjoying it, of aiding and abetting him in his crime against me.

Perhaps I will live to regret that I told my story, but I'm willing to take that risk because my story must be told: only by doing so, can the non-believers, the accusers come just a little closer to understanding how something like this could go on for years, and how, I was, and still am, blameless.

To do that, my story must begin, as it does, at the beginning, with my childhood, so one can see and sense the growing fear a child develops of a controlling father who can cleverly manipulate your thoughts with his words and actions, a fear so strong that in the end you do whatever you are told to do for fear of your sanity and your life. That is the curse of incest and child sexual abuse, regardless of when it starts.

And that curse never fully goes away.

THE DOUBT & FEARS THAT MAKE US QUESTION LEAVING AN INCESTUOUS SITUATION? #incest #child sexual abuse

It's been a long time since my last post. Illness has plagued me for the last few months. Even writing my book has been difficult. But at last, I am on the final chapters, and as I wrote the following this morning, I recalled how difficult it was those first few weeks after finally extricating myself from my father's control and sexual abuse. When you're contemplating breaking away, you find a million reasons to go and double that to stay put. Your need for freedom, to be yourself, to have a normal life (if normal is ever possible again) propels you to do something. But your fear of the abuser, of being alone, of where to go and what to do next, holds you back time and again. 

All decisions come with similar quandaries, but some are much easier to make than walking from the only life you've known into an unknown, unsure future. You forever wonder if you are doing the right thing. When you have been made to feel blame, guilt for all the bad things in your life, it's hard to think that what you are doing isn't just another bad thing. Depending on the abuser's reaction to your decision, he/she can make you feel guilty and horrible all over again, reminding you of how selfish you are by breaking away and thinking only of yourself, when that is what he/she has been doing all along!

It may take years, not days or even months, to know if the decision to get out of your old life was the right one, but then again, ask yourself, what is right about staying in a life where you are the constant victim of sexual, mental and physical abuse? 

So, on that note, I now share with you my latest, unedited section of my as yet, un-named book, a true story of incest. Your feedback is most welcomed. Thanks for taking the time to read the following which describes my immediate reactions to making the decision to walk away from incest:

"The next 4  - 6 weeks were traumatic. For the first time in my life I was on my own, though not alone. It all felt so strange. I felt empowered but insecure, experienced but naive, liberated but lost.

This was 1971 and living together, even if engaged, wasn't what nice girls did. John had been raised in a very Catholic family: he still attended Sunday Mass and for me to move in with him, though tempting, was somehow sinful. And besides, the two of us could never fit in the tiny single bed in his basement apartment!

So I rented a pokey room in a rooming house with a single set of rickety drawers and the lumpiest bed ever. The other tenants, by my father's standards, were the low-life's of this world: waitresses, factory floor-sweepers, divorcees ... folks who lived from paycheck to paycheck when they could get a job or keep one long enough to buy the next bottle of plonk or pack of cigarettes. It was eye-opening for me to mix with people like this, so different from my family's circle of friends or even my fellow staff-mates. 

It was simultaneously scary and exciting for me to live temporarily with this group, scary because I kept envisioning one of the drunken men coming into my room to try and have their way with me, but exciting because of finally having the freedom to come and go as I pleased. That was such a new experience and with every day, I liked it more and more: no longer having to ask a man for  permission to go here or go there, to do this or do that! I could wear what clothes I wanted, experiment with makeup and leave it on, choose what to do with my time when I wasn't teaching or with John planning the wedding ... the freedom was exhilarating! The teenager I was never allowed to be resurfaced. I was almost as giddy as the Grade 9 and 10's I was teaching, even feeling like one of them at times, understanding instead of disapproving their silliness and youthful exuberance. For the first time since that day my father decided to educate me about men, I felt almost normal.

And yet, as I tossed about on that lumpy mattress at night, I battled guilt: I felt guilty about the chaos I had caused my parents; I felt guilty about leaving mom alone to clean up the debris of the storm I had rained down on their lives; and I felt guilty about the misgivings I was having about marrying a man I truly barely knew! 

John and I had had anything but a normal courtship. We'd never really dated. Our times together had been stolen moments in his car or the school janitor's closet, a quick grabbed lunch at a local hot food place, a movie with mom tagging along, a short but lovely trip to Niagara Falls on icy roads that nearly landed us in a ditch, or furtive cuddles on an old mattress in our basement while mom kept nervous watch at the window upstairs. What did I know about this man I was about to marry? I'd never met his family. He talked non-stop about returning to his beloved Australia, a thought that terrified me. His greatest passions were cars,  aircraft and photography, all of which meant little to me, and he had no interest in live theatre, musicals, writing poetry or the pursuits I enjoyed. How could we possibly build a life together when we didn't really have that much in common?

I truly began to question what I had done. Would I end up wrecking John's life too? And what of myself? I'd spent 23 years dominated by a control freak of a father. Now, I finally had a taste of what it was like to be on my own, answering to no-one but myself. Was I now so quickly about to give away that expensively acquired freedom to walk up the wedding aisle and once again have to answer to a male for the rest of my life? I tossed and turned on that lumpy mattress suddenly wishing I could just disappear to explore my freedom more fully, more deeply and most importantly, to find that teenager who was buried beneath the dirt in those nightmares that had plagued me through so many  years of abuse.