OBSESSED WITH #INCEST and a #BOOK TRAILER for #NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER

Watch a Book Trailer for NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER
Recently, someone on Facebook asked a question along the lines of this: "How was it for you after you finally got away from your abuser? How did you manage?" 

I was hesitant to answer this at first because of all the pain and suffering I read of in my own private and other abuse groups, the pain that questions like this can stir up again for so many. After all these years, I'm no longer suffering like they are.  When I read their pain, I almost feel I should apologize for not suffering!

The other thing that held me back from answering is what I'm seeing daily on Facebook: victims & group moderators spending hours and hours posting horrid stories of child sexual abuse, incest, pedophilia etc. I know many post these articles to keep spreading awareness, but the way Facebook works, I'm not sure those posts are being seen by anyone but other victims and I'm not convinced that's a good thing for the victims.  It keeps us all obsessed with incest and child sexual abuse and we are not the ones who need to know about it: we already do!

As I thought through how to answer, fact is, of course I suffered, not just during the 13 years of abuse but for many years after. I just never told anyone about it for 45 years. Yes, I had flashbacks ... daily! And yes, I wanted to scream and sometimes cried uncontrollably over the slightest things. And the nightmares continued for many years.  And yet, I never had therapy, and didn't resort to drugs or booze. So what's with me? Am I some kind of freak?

I never turned to those things because I knew that after the effects wore off, the pain would still be there. The memories would still be there. Booze and drugs would just keep me running from the truth, keep me from facing it. But only by facing it, by acknowledging it happened, telling myself over and over that what happened wasn't my fault and accepting that I could never change the past, could I put the past to rest and get on with my life.

The only answer I had to that Facebook question, was the paragraph above, along with this: by getting away from my abuser at last, while I wasn't free .. yet ... of the memories, I was free of the abuser and his dominance over every decision, every action in my life. I was free to decide and act as I wished, not as he told me to. I just had to decide and act and not be afraid to do both.

Furthermore, my abuser had stolen 13 years of my life, 13 years so important to any girl or boy: their teenage years. He had kept me imprisoned, mentally and physically. Now, away from him at last, I had so much catching up to do, so much world to see, so much life to experience, and something inside me said: "This is your new world. Embrace it!" And embrace it, I did! I was so busy embracing it,  I was like a child let loose in a candy shop after never having had candy. I didn't have time or inclination to dwell on, or obsess over the abuse. And that is how I managed; that is how I healed after incest.

At the request of many who have read my book, NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER, I am now writing a sequel. This is hard to write, much harder than I thought it would be.  On the one hand I find myself wondering if readers are expecting to see me wallowing in despair and pain as I pulled my life together. I worry that if I don't give them that, they might think then it all mustn't have been that bad, and they would be wrong for thinking that. On the other hand, will readers, especially other victims who still can't see a light at the end of the tunnel,  understand that because I found strength in the love of a good man who showed me not all men are like my father and gave me the freedom to be, and become who I am today, that it is possible to "get over it" to a certain degree, if not fully, then at least to the point that I'm no longer obsessed with it and feel the need to talk about it daily. Will they say, "Well it's alright for you! You got lucky. You got a good guy. I don't think I ever will...!"

I certainly hope that won't be the case, but I'm committed now to writing that sequel. I don't know how long it will take but I'm planning to share it with the world in a different way, one that won't cost anyone a penny to read. There will be nothing to buy, not even an eBook! To find out how I plan to do that, you will need to sign up for the RANT, RAVE & REVEL  BLOG on my website. You'll find the place to do that right on my HOME PAGE where you can also purchase a signed, printed copy or an electronic version for all e-readers of NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER. 

And if  you haven't yet seen it, I hope you'll watch the BOOK TRAILER for "No Tears for my Father" at the top of this blog post. It's a bit creepy, as someone said, but then, incest is creepy!

IS JUSTICE FOR VICTIMS OF #INCEST and CHILD #SEXUAL ABUSE POSSIBLE?

Some time ago, I came across an incredibly informative op-ed by Ruth Hull, on Digital Journal. Ruth began her article with these words hit me like a brick in the face:

"The easiest way to gain custody of your kid is to rape the child. If you molest your child, your chances of gaining custody go up to 85 percent."

She expanded on this by adding:

"In the past nine months, 75 kids were murdered by their dads during custody battles — and the family courts [are} doing little to stop it.

Wyatt Garcia was born in April 2009. Nine months later, he was shot and killed by his father, who then turned the gun on himself. It might have turned out differently — if a family-court judge had listened to Wyatt’s mother."

Now I'm not going to copy and paste Ruth's entire article here because I'm hoping you'll go over and read it yourself. If you are a victim of incest contemplating taking your abuser to court, or a parent desperate to get justice for your child who has been sexually abused by your partner or other family member, you MUST read Ruth's well-researched article and watch the videos she has included with her op-ed. I was floored, and I think you will be too.  What I learned about the court system, at least in the US, and I have no reason to think it's different elsewhere, was horrifying.

According to Judge Deann Salcido (support her efforts on Facebook!), as a young judge she was trained, along with other judges, to be suspicious, very suspicious of women claiming abuse of any kind during a divorce.  This attitude was based on the possibility that the woman ... and it was generally always aimed at the female in the divorce case, might just be being vindictive or angry because her husband or partner has moved on with someone else etc. Judge Deann followed this mantra to the letter and then says she made a terrible mistake. In one divorce case where the mother, Joyce Murphy, claimed the father was sexually abusing their daughter, she ruled against the mother and gave custody to the father, Bud Parsons. Parsons was later convicted for sexually molesting two young teenaged girls, friends of his daughter! Judge Deann never forgave herself for the mistake she made and has since, become a "whistle-blower" about what really goes on in the courts. If you don't go over and read Ruth Hull's article, at least watch this video where Judge Deann tells us about this:


Ever since I watched this, I've wanted to share this with my subscribers and all who care about child sexual abuse. It won't make them happy.  It won't make them less bitter about what they have endured or are enduring in the courts. In fact, it'll probably make them twice as angry when they see how the system is working against them.  But it might help them understand why and how this is happening.

I hear time and time again in my private Facebook group for incest survivors how the courts are failing and have failed victims of child sexual abuse and the parents trying to get some justice for them. They share how the abusers are getting away with the abuse, how difficult it is to be believed when they do go to the police, and even if they do manage to take the case to court, the sentences are so light as to be ridiculous and the victims continue to live in fear of the day the abuser is back on the streets and can get to them. And in the meantime, scores of sexually abused children will spend years, decades, trying to cope with the horrific memories, their shame, their insecurities, their feelings of worthlessness, of being dirty, of being the ones to blame! What kind of justice is this?!

When and if you watch this video, and I hope you do, you will learn more that is even more shocking regarding how CPS and probably most child protective services in all countries are failing the abused children when they investigate the cases in the first place because of their own fears of being sued. Other issues involved are the almighty dollar, the costs involved in removing children from abusive homes and placing them in foster care. All of it, is more important than the minds, hearts and souls of the children being abused. It breaks my heart to hear this. I'm sure you'll feel likewise.

I welcome your comments, your thoughts, your indignation, and your own stories of how the courts have failed you or someone you know. Just as I dared in my book, NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER, to speak my own truth about incest because silence is deadly, people like Judge Deann Salcido are speaking out from under. She's taken a risk, as we all do, when we blow the whistle on the real criminals in our society. She's one gutsy lady and I'm sure she's made lots of enemies and perhaps even put herself in danger. But when you believe in doing what's right, you do it. I hope you'll "LIKE" her Facebook page. If you're reading this, it's most likely because YOU need people like her. She's working for YOU.

PLEASE NOTE: if you are wanting a signed, printed copy of my book, NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER, please use the CONTACT PAGE on my website as we are having a temporary problem with the e-commerce processing on the site. This is the only place online to purchase the printed book. e-Book versions are available from the following online distributors:

SMASHWORDS, AMAZON, iTUNES, BARNES & NOBLE , SONY eBook Store, as well as my personal website.

NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER is also available at these Ontario Libraries: HAMILTON, CAMBRIDGE, MISSISSAUGA, GRAND VALLEY and TORONTO.

HOW MUCH GRAPHIC DETAIL SHOULD ONE INCLUDE IN A BOOK ON #CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE?

I came across a very interesting blog post this morning that I want to share with you all. You can read it here:

http://www.thelamplighters.org/llblog01/graphic-details/

I have very strong feelings about this excellent post and the ideas presented. Because of that, I left a long comment on it. Here's what I wrote:

“I really liked your blog post Marjorie. I felt the points you raised were very important and I left a long comment on the post. Hope you don't mind. I'd like to share my comment here too in case others don't read what I wrote: "The points you've raised here are very important. This is something I had to decide when I was writing my book, NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER: how graphic should my book be? In the end, I found I couldn't write it any other way that to tell how it happened, what he said to me, how he coached me, led me to do what he wanted, and what he actually did. I saw no point in even writing the book without these details. Otherwise, what was the purpose of writing it? I wanted to enlighten others to how a predator, in this case my own father, gets his way. I wanted readers to see his thinking, the psychology, the motivation behind his actions and his ability to manipulate a defenseless child, his own child. How else to do that than by actually giving details? But as you suggest, it was necessary to put a 'trigger warning' on the book and that's what I did.

I have been criticized by only one other writer, herself a victim, for providing, what she called "the guts and gore" in my story. She said victims don't need those details, that I should have focused on recovery and healing. Well I'm not a therapist and how I healed was not the focus of my story. Mine was just that: my story ... take it or leave it ... but it was honest and real. If I wanted to write a book on healing, I would have. But I don't feel qualified to do that. And besides, there are many wonderful books out there for that purpose. I even addressed this in one of my book talks where some of my readers, themselves victims, said I'd done the right thing as it helped them relate even better and helped them realize they were not alone when they heard what he actually said and did to me.

Bottom line: 2 sides to this argument and you are so right: write the story as YOU need to and if it's graphic, put in a warning and let the reader decide if they can handle it. As for the others, get your heads out of the sand folks. This is the real world and this is happening in a home near you!”

We actually videoed segments of the book talk I referred to above where other victims gave their views on the graphic detail in my book. If you'd like to hear what they said, watch this video:

So now, I'd love your feedback on my response and on Marjorie's original blogpost on her LAMPLIGHTER MOVEMENT site. Was NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER too graphic?  Should graphic details be spared in books on child sexual abuse? Waiting to hear from you: what do you think? And by the way, you can download a FREE SAMPLE of my book at both SMASHWORDS and GOODREADS. 

Book Review: BEYOND THE TEARS by Lynn C. Tolson: #incest

My first encounter with Lynn C Tolson was actually on Facebook. As I became involved in groups and pages about childhood sexual abuse, Lynn's name kept popping up everywhere. Who was this woman? My research revealed she was an author, herself once a victim of sexual abuse, and currently a social worker and speaker who gives a great deal of her time and self to helping other victims, both on and offline. I got the impression she was well-known and I felt dwarfed by her achievements. But at that point, she was still just a name with a nice Facebook photo. 

Now, having read Lynn's book, if it were possible, the one thing I'd love to do is meet her in person. I want to meet this woman who at the opening of her book was on her way to commit suicide. She'd had it! She couldn't take any more. She hauled into a motel, swallowed all the pills she could find and waited for death to come. But life wasn't done with her yet because she had a mission to fulfill: to heal from her own devastating and lonely past; to conquer her drug-addicted lifestyle; to rid herself of an older husband who was using her low self-esteem to victimize her further, and ultimately to share her path to recovery with the thousands of other victims out there who might also think that taking their own lives is the only solution. Thank heaven Lynn's attempt to end it all failed or Beyond the Tears wouldn't have been written.  

The one thing that stood out for me as I got further and further into Lynn's story of sexual abuse by both her schizophrenic biological father, and later, by her older brother, was her extreme isolation, even as a young child, in a family of several members. Like all victims of sexual abuse, she couldn't  bring herself to tell her own mother of the abuse. Why? Because her mother was too delicate, too fragile. So to save her mother from heartache, she let her own heart ache with her ugly secret. Intimidated by her step-father, confused by her own father, ignored by her mother and scorned and berated by her abusive brother, Lynn wandered through her teens dulling her pain on street drugs. She watched a soul-mate die from an overdose and still couldn't help herself. After compounding the mess of her life by marrying a mentally and verbally abusive husband, suicide seemed the only out till fate stepped in. Lynn met Karen and with love, caring and wise counsel, Karen got Lynn to open up and tell all.

As all abuse victims come to realiize sooner or later, healing begins in finally telling someone, but it is journalling, writing, that ultimately closes the wounds. Karen encouraged Lynn to do that. Lynn took another 20 years before putting pen to paper and further heal, but it is her readers, especially those who are victims of childhood sexual abuse who benefit from her writing.  Lynn not only shares her life with us in an easy to read, semi-fictional style, but she peppers her story with insights and reflections on the personalities of her family and how they contributed to her isolation, an isolation I sense she still feels today but is able to live with.  Every so often, she throws in some touching poetry that is short and poignant. And by sharing Karen's words of counsel and wisdom with us, Lynn offers the reader concepts that truly help one heal. 

If there's one thing I love about the internet and social networking sites like Facebook, it's that it clarifies perceptions we form of people when we only meet them in print, as in their blogs, poems or books. Read their words and you form a picture of them. Look at their photos and we see what the words don't show. Listen to their voices, as I did recently in a blog talk show with Lynn and the image sharpens. Watch a video (Lynn has one on her own blog site at http://beyondthetears.blogspot.ca, and you suddenly know a lot more about this person who till now was just a name on a book.

Getting to know Lynn C Tolson begins with reading BEYOND THE TEARS, but don't stop there! Visit her blog, read her posts, check out her other reviews and videos at Goodreads, and come to know this strong woman who was once a victim of child sexual abuse but is today a survivor and thriver. As Karen told her: "When you lose your identity as a victim, you gain an identity as a survivor". BEYOND THE TEARS is a guide to doing just that. 

HALLOWE'EN: NOT MY FAVOURITE NIGHT OF THE YEAR

I'm not the greatest fan of Hallowe'en. Don't know why. I find nothing particularly wonderful about seeing horrible masks, ghouls, freaks, cobwebs on trees and houses and all the other things that scare children ... and adults too for that matter.

Maybe it's because of my past, of living with someone of whom I was so frightened that I was too scared to go to bed at night. I still hear doors opening when everyone was supposed to be asleep. I see the thin shaft of light coming into my room and the dark, looming figure of a man ... my father ... carefully closing the door behind him and feeling his way in the dark over to my bed...

My monster was alive, real. He put on a different mask when friends were around. He was Mr. Friendly, affable, personable. He cared about his wife and child. But he didn't wait for or need Hallowe'en to terrify me. He just did.

Sorry if I don't get into the spirit. Oh I still give out the candies and smile at the sweet little princesses and angels who come to my door shyly saying "Trick or Treat". And I even write poems for them, and in my heart hope that the only monsters and ugly people they ever see in their lives are the other kids running around the streets in costumes on October 31st.

Viga Boland, NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER: a true story of incest
http://www.vigaboland.com

FLASHBACKS! A UNWANTED NECESSARY EVIL RESULTING FROM #CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE AND #INCEST

One of the most devastating after effects of childhood sexual abuse and incest is the FLASHBACKS. For years, the victim may not have them. Then suddenly, they may smell something and it sets off a panic somewhere inside. Or they may hear a bit of music that triggers a memory of something horrid, unpleasant, but they're not sure what's happening. All they know is the memory hurts. It begins hurtling around their minds and try as they may, they can't get it to stop. It feels like it's consuming their minds. It's overwhelming, like screaming in the brain.  And once the flashbacks start, it seems to take less and less to trigger them and the vicious memories come harder, faster, deeper every time they strike. What is going on? 

According to Beverly Engel, author of "The Right to Innocence", as awful as flashbacks are, they tell you something very important about yourself. You are evolving; you are changing, growing emotionally even if you don't believe it. And as much as you despise how it makes you feel, like you were going insane, it's what I call, a necessary evil to recovery and healing. To repeat what I so often say in my private group at Facebook: "No pain, no gain". The longer you avoid facing the truth about your past and what happened, the longer you are going to suffer. As Beverly says:

“You cannot make yourself have a flashback, nor will you have one unless you are emotionally ready to remember something. Once remembered, the memory can help you to face more of the truth. You can then express your pent-up feelings about the memory and continue on your path to recovery. Think of the flashback as a clue to the next piece of work. No matter how painful, try to view it as a positive indication that you are now ready and willing to remember.” The Right to Innocence by Beverly Engel

So many readers of my book, NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER, have asked me how I got over it. How come I'm so "together" today.  Don't I have flashbacks? Yes, I do. Every day in fact. But the intensity isn't even remotely close to what it was 10,  20, 30, 40 years ago. It's more like the sudden storm that terrified me as a child but instead of running and hiding, I applaud how far I've come: it doesn't frighten me any more. Now it's just a reminder that I am free, no longer a prisoner of my past.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR CHILDREN ARE DOING WITH EACH OTHER? #SIBLING ABUSE and #INCEST

Until now, while incest is the focus of my blog, I have generally spoken most about father/daughter incest, because that's what I know, and that's what I wrote about in my book, NO TEARS FOR MY FATHER. 

But over the past year, I've had the pleasure ... if that's the right word ... of meeting with and speaking privately with the many courageous victims of incest who are members of my private group at Facebook, SPEAK OUT FROM UNDER CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE in FAMILIES. What I have learned and heard from these valiant victim/survivors has moved me to tears, made me bristle with anger and made me what to scream "What's wrong with all you parents, the mothers and fathers, aunts, uncles, grandparents who know this is going on and refuse to acknowledge it or help the victim!"

Don't say you don't know. I don't believe you! I can't believe you! The truth is you don't want the truth to come out because of the embarrassment it might cause the family. Or some of you mothers are so damn dependent on your spouses, you sacrifice your daughter to her father's or stepfather's lust. Shame on you all! You are as disgusting and as despicable as the perpetrators because by your refusal to rectify the situation, you allow this to go on and on and be carried from one generation to the next, because sadly, statistics are showing that indeed many of the abused become abusers. Those subjected to incest as children grow up to sexually molest their own children. The domino effect of incest is real. Worse yet, incest is alive, well and happening, even between brothers and sisters. Don't believe me? With her permission, I share some of T's story of sibling sexual abuse, most of which occurred before she was 9:

"I would like to start by saying some people should not be allowed to have children, and if a child is unlucky enough to be born into that hell then they should be removed immediately. My mother was one such person. I grew up with 5 brothers and one sister. 4 different fathers. We were never stable moving from house to house and husband to husband. I can honestly say not one of my stepfathers ever touched me violently or sexually."

"Her (T's mom) first time away over night was when the abuse started. I pitched a fit at being left alone with R (T's brother), and she said to me 'Why do you have to be so selfish? I get very little time to myself and you are trying to ruin it. God punishes selfish girls'. 

R came into my room that night and told me we were going to play a game and if i got it right he wouldnt have to throw me out the window of my bedroom. I fought and he beat me and choked me (He liked to call me the C word- over and over again until any variantion was just a drone)  until i did what he wanted, vomiting in the process which brought another beating. For years i thought this was my punishment for being selfish.

Then next weekend brought another over night trip for my mom and another opportunity for R. I didnt fight that time, i was good and did everything he wanted even when he started touching me hard and hurting me. After he was finished he beat mr for being a whore and of course every variation of the c word known to man.  Every punch or kick i was told that i had done this, look at what i had done.

It didnt seem to matter what i did: I was sexually abused then beaten weekend after weekend and occasionally if My mother had a dinner date during the week. It was like she didnt see me, the bruises or any of it. She stopped looking at me. She would talk to me but look just above my head.

I went to my mom the next morning and told her what R had been doing to me. She looked at me for a long time, just a blank stare. I had no idea the slap was coming until I was on the floor. She  sounded so sad when she said 'You are from the devil. Why do my girls have to be lying troublemakers?' (I found out later that my sister have been sexually abused by several different men starting just before puberty). She stopped acknowledging my existence, pretended i wasnt there. I went to my room to hide and I heard her go out the front door with my little brothers.

I was completely alone in the house with R. He met me at my bedroom door as I was trying to run out and threw me against the opposite wall. Grabbed me by the hair and held me there while he ripped my clothes away, banging my head against the wall over and over ( i remember things going spotty and dark). I was crying for my mom to save me and he got really close to my face (i remember feeling him spitting when he talked) 'She said you are not worth saving, you little c**t'. He threw me to the ground and put his knee on my chest ( guess to hold me still) and i couldnt breath in, everything became black and i felt like i was floating away. I still think someone was looking out for me and knew i needed to be absent from my body. I still dont know what was done to me that night, I woke up naked and cold. I remember being so embarrassed that i had peed myself like a baby and there was blood on the floor. I couldnt get up, everything hurt so bad, even to scoot toward my bed seemed like it took hours and i was so afraid he would come back. i made it under my bed and against the wall at the back. I must have fell asleep and i dont know how long i had stayed there. I woke up and it was daylight and i could here my mom downstairs. I had peed myself again and needed to go again but i have no idea in actual time. i crawled to the bathroom and i my face and body were all dried blood and bruises. I washed away the blood and then washed my privates with the cleaner under the sink I think it was pine-sol, i contiued to do this until i was 12 and living with my sister. I was still bleeding a little from down there and i was sore but i was able to walk.

I went downstairs and my mom acted like nothing happened. She smiled and said 'Good morning Sunshine' like she did on her happy days but she didnt see me."

Sorry that was so long (the full story is longer) but if you managed to read it all, what are you thinking now? I know what I thought of T's mom and her abusive brother, R. And I ask you: how does this happen? What was with T's mom? How did T's brother turn into such a beast? And why did T's family take her brother's side when she finally lost it and attacked him at age 13? Thank you T for letting me share parts of your story that proves sibling abuse and incest is alive and well and may be happening in a house near you who are reading this blog.

Now, If you're a parent, do you really know what is going on between your children when you're not around?